Who Said the Dodgers Never Had a Prayer?

It’s 4:06 p.m., Saturday, Aug. 21, 2004, and while the magic number to officially claim the National League West title and begin filing papers with the Vatican to certify this as a miracle is 34 -- it’s over.

“I don’t want to hear that,” the Micro Manager said. “I don’t want to know what our magic number is.”

34! 34! 34! 34! 34!

There is no justice in sports, the trade still stinks, the general manager is still in over his head, they’re still the Choking Dogs, the Micro Manager remains a dunce at times and probably will be fired, and the guy who owns the team is the luckiest mope with no money you’ll probably ever get to know, but how do you fight this: Shawn Green hitting two home runs in the same game for the second time in three days?

“Have you begun swinging the bat with your eyes closed?” I asked Green.

How do you explain Giovanni Carrara recording a save Saturday, his first of the year, and posting a longer current save streak than Eric Gagne?

Half the Dodger bullpen spent time in Las Vegas this year, and now they just traded for a guy Arizona didn’t want, a team so bad it probably couldn’t beat the 51s.

The Dodgers had the best bullpen in baseball, and on purpose, destroyed it.

The Dodgers, home to Koufax/Drysdale/Hershiser/Valenzuela and Sutton, now rely on castoffs such as Jose Lima, Wilson Alvarez and Jeff Weaver and they still romp. The Dodgers have sent Kaz Ishii and Hideo Nomo to the mound a combined 38 times, and I’d like the folks at the Vatican to take note, the Dodgers are still seven games up in the loss column on the Giants.

The facts no longer matter. The Dodgers have two catchers who hit like F.P. Santangelo mired in a slump, and Paul Lo Duca’s loss has clearly put Gagne out of sorts, and so what? They don’t even need Brad Penny.

Darren Dreifort threatens to sabotage everything, and what happens? He hurts his knee, and tell me there isn’t something out of this world at work here.

These guys aren’t that good, but then of course no one else in their division is good enough to mount a challenge, so the Boston Parking Lot Attendant is a genius. Or, as a Boston friend of his, Merrill Diamond, e-mailed to gush: “Whatever the team may have lacked on paper at the beginning of the season has undoubtedly been amply supplemented by Frank and Jamie’s leadership, passion for the game and, in no small measure, their infectious enthusiasm.”

They still don’t pass the smell test, as far as I’m concerned, but we’ll probably see their smiling pictures in The Times, standing in the Dodger clubhouse when the team clinches a playoff berth, pouring champagne over each other’s heads.

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GREEN WANTED to know if I will be joining the champagne celebration, his way, I guess, of wanting to know if the Dodgers have finally driven me to drink.

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GAGNE TOOK off the cap that had made him seemingly invincible, the ratty, smelly Dodger cap with the Nos. 30 and 16 added recently to honor former teammates, and auctioned it off for charity following Saturday’s win.

The cap he wore for his 84-game streak of consecutive saves, as well as this week’s screw-ups, raised $3,600 for the Dodgers’ Dream Foundation.

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THE LOSSES just keep piling up for Gagne.

The team also took the shirts off the backs of their players and put them up for bid. Gagne entered the bidding with the public for Adrian Beltre’s jersey, taking it from $4,000 to $5,000, only to lose it a few minutes later to a fan willing to pay more.

Gagne said his own jersey went for “around $2,600,” and he thought that was funny -- his own popularity plunging overnight, while Beltre takes center stage. “Belly’s home run Friday night was huge -- huge for both me and the team.”

As for Gagne’s confidence taking a hit this week, forget it, he said, “I love failure. Failure is good; it’s not a negative word. I learned more in two years failing as a starter than the entire time I’ve been a closer.

“In this game you just have to be a good liar and stupid. You have to be a good liar to tell yourself everything is going to be all right, and then stupid enough to believe your own lies.”

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DODGER SUCCESS is probably also going to reinforce the organization’s idiotic attempt to make everyone in Los Angeles go deaf. The Dodger experience is now more ordeal than comfortable, family outing.

The fans are now asked at every game to vote for one of three songs. Saturday it was, “If I Ain’t Got You,” “All Downhill From Here” or “Duality.” The winner is based on applause, and I heard none, but the Dodgers announced that “Duality” by Slipknot had won.

The song begins: “Push my fingers into my eyes. It’s the only thing that slowly stops the ache, but it’s made of all the things I am today. Jesus, it never ends ...”

I looked around, but I couldn’t find any of the moms or dads humming along with their kids. And he might have been distracted, but from the look on Vin Scully’s face, I don’t think he knew the words either.

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TODAY’S LAST word comes from the e-mail address of Ron Jonson:

“You couldn’t possibly be as bored with the Olympics as the Times’ readers are of you. It must feel good to wake up every morning knowing you contribute absolutely nothing useful to society.... I don’t know who raised you, but any woman with a shred of dignity or integrity would be ashamed of you. Please die soon or find another job.

And leave you, a faithful reader who can’t turn the page? Never.

T.J. Simers can be reached at t.j.simers@latimes.com. To read previous columns by Simers, go to latimes.com/simers.