The Wide, Wide World of Olympic Weirdness

Second thoughts and random shots on the weekend in sports, starting with the Olympic Games in Athens (plenty of good seats still available)....

* I would feel more comfortable saying the United States’ men’s basketball team still has an outside shot at a gold medal if anyone on the U.S. team actually had an outside shot.

* Look for Carly Patterson’s gold-medal victory in the gymnastics all-around to land her on a Wheaties box.

Also, it is believed Russia’s sore-loser silver medalist Svetlana Khorkina is weighing cereal box endorsement offers from “Ice Krispies” and “Sour Grape Nuts.”

* New rule (apologies to Bill Maher): No more Bob Costas interviews with Olympic champions unless they: A) no longer sleep with a cuddly bear; or B) can name the American president before Richard Nixon.

Costas’ interview with cute-as-a-button Patterson was weakened by the fact that Patterson is 16, has spent most of her life in the cocoon of Olympic preparation and really had nothing to say.

Other than that, it was “Face the Nation.”

* I’m OK with Paul Hamm’s sharing his tainted all-around gold medal in men’s gymnastics -- earned as a result of a scoring error -- so long as the Oakland Raiders get a technical share of the Lombardi Trophy as a result of New England quarterback Tom Brady’s bogus “tuck rule” fumble in that 2002 AFC divisional playoff game.

* After watching Michael Phelps earn a gold medal in swimming while rooting for his team from the stands, Jack Nicholson reportedly has informed the Lakers they owe him nine NBA championship rings.

* It’s a hard habit to break, for sure, but it’s probably time we stop referring to any loss by the U.S. men’s basketball team as a “stunning upset.”

* The cool thing about team handball is that players get to run up to three steps without dribbling the ball -- just like in the NBA.

* The Chinese fear that star center Yao Ming has become Americanized during his two NBA seasons after he recently chided teammates during a loss to Spain.

For what it’s worth, Bob Knight is privately telling Yao to “hang the [bleep] in there,” Gary Payton suggests not reporting for his next physical and Nick Van Exel e-mails Yao things he used to do to tick off Del Harris, China’s coach.

* Adrian Beltre makes his case for National League most valuable player.

Dodger Manager Jim Tracy credits Beltre’s “maturity” for his breakout season.

It’s amazing how quickly a player matures when he’s about to become a free agent, and his agent is Scott Boras.

* This year’s Texas football media guide has been trimmed to 397 pages, down from last year’s NCAA record-setting 591.

Texas made the painful cuts by removing all references to Oklahoma, cutting a section titled “What Bevo Did on His Summer Vacation” and trimming Mack Brown’s riveting narrative about life as a third-grader.

* Someone with influence needs to get into Deion Sanders’ ear and tell him he’s much closer to “Nap Time” than “Prime Time.”

* Philadelphia Eagle receiver Terrell Owens says, “I don’t think I’m a jerk.”

Think again.

Terrell Owens says, “For whatever reason, I guess I got the rep being in San Fran that I was a cancer to the team, probably doing more harm than good there.”

For whatever reason?

Owens says, “If they boo Kobe and Santa Claus, how bad can it be for me?”

Here’s how bad:

Dateline, Philadelphia: Phillie Manager Larry Bowa jokingly said he had installed a rubber room in his house to release the frustrations of a recent 10-game losing streak.

Bowa says he drinks a Scotch (or two) at night to make him think the team has won 10 consecutive games.

The Philadelphia Inquirer is polling fans to determine when, not if, Bowa gets fired.

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A sampling of motivational quotes hanging in NFL locker rooms (with addendums from Second Thoughts in parentheses).

* Cleveland Browns: “If you want to win you’ll find a way. If you don’t, you’ll find an excuse.” (And if you’re really smart, you’ll find a way out of Cleveland.)

* Houston Texans: “Individuals play the game, teams win championships.” (And boy, is it hot here in August).

* Kansas City Chiefs: “Share the commitment.” (But not the shower soap).

* Miami Dolphins: “If you want something you’ve never had, you’ve got to do something you’ve never done.” (And do it, now, without Ricky Williams.)

* Minnesota Vikings: “If you are not the lead dog, the view never changes.” (Great advice for winning the Iditarod, but we’re still 0 for 4 in Super Bowls.)

* New York Jets: “Check your ego at the door.” (And your helmets with the bell captain.)

* San Diego Chargers: “No one can predict to what heights you can soar.” (Or how many drafts one organization can screw up.)

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Here’s some numbers to consider:

* There’s a new biography on former NFL quarterback Joe Namath, and I’m not sure any book on Namath is worth 512 pages, but one thing I can tell you about Broadway Joe: He ended his career with 173 touchdown passes and 220 interceptions.

While not suggesting Namath isn’t worthy of his Hall of Fame induction -- his guaranteed victory over the Baltimore Colts before Super Bowl III is enough for me -- here are some other career touchdown versus interception numbers to consider:

Rich Gannon: 177 to 102.

Dave Krieg: 261 to 199.

Jim Everett: 203 to 175.

* John McEnroe’s show on CNBC recently draws rating of 0.0.

To put it in tennis terms, that’s Love. Love.