The Joke’s on Mister Ed in Handicapping Battle

The nice folks at the Los Alamitos Race Course said they would donate money to the Mattel Children’s Hospital at UCLA if I stopped by and visited Mister Ed.

Some of you might be too young to remember Mister Ed, but the folks in Hollywood discovered a horse who could talk and gave him his own TV show.

A big mouth still gets Hollywood’s attention today, but it’s a little different now with the emphasis on hiring such humans as Donald Trump, Jack Haley and Max Kellerman who insist on making donkeys out of themselves.

Mister Ed was different. He was a horse who wanted to act like a smart-acre human, so I wasn’t surprised when Los Al suggested I take on Mister Ed in a handicapping contest -- agreeing to donate $1,000 to the Children’s Hospital no matter who won, but throwing in another $1,500 if for some reason Mister Ed was off his oats.

Orlando Gutierrez, the track’s public relations guy, e-mailed the newspaper boasting that Mister Ed had selected 20 winners in 37 weekend races. A day later, I noticed on the track’s website that Mister Ed was now getting credit for selecting 22 winners in 37 weekend races. I’ve played golf with sports editor Bill Dwyre, so I know what it’s like when an old war horse gets a little mixed up and can’t keep track of the score.

I agreed to donate $1,000 to the Children’s Hospital if Mister Ed beat me, so I did my homework for the contest -- avoiding the selections of Misery, the Times’ handicapper, and reviewing the videotape of my Breeders’ Cup and Kentucky Derby victories over Lyons the Loser, the horse-racing expert for TVG who doesn’t know anything about horses.

The two wins over The Loser, combined with a $1,000 donation from jockey Alex Solis because he was so thankful The Loser didn’t pick him to win anything, and the $1,000 I donated after losing a bet that the UCLA women couldn’t draw 5,000 fans to a basketball game -- not knowing they were going to bus in thousands of kids -- has given the cancer ward $6,900 to date.

And the nice thing about Los Al, it has lots of money to give away. It’s already scheduled three mega races -- each with a $1-million purse -- and when I mentioned the Los Al purses to the wife, she said she wanted one too, if she could get the shoes to match.

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WHEN I arrived for the handicapping contest, they took me to the Vessels Club and introduced me to a man whom I immediately mistook for Wilbur. If you watched “Mister Ed” on TV, you know whom I’m talking about, but instead of Wilbur, I got Ed Burgart, a.k.a. Mister Ed, the Los Al handicapping expert.

What a letdown. I couldn’t even get Mr. Serious to horse around he was so intent on winning. The contest began, and I took the No. 4 horse and the Los Al handicapping expert took No. 7. “He’s the speed of the speed,” Burgart said.

Well, let me tell you, if there had been seven horses in the race, I believe the Los Al handicapping expert’s choice would’ve had a chance to win.

But the program listed only six horses. I told Burgart his horse didn’t have a ghost’s chance of winning, and he said he had inside information on No. 7, which goes to show you what happens when you get hot tips from Lyons the Loser.

For some reason, No. 7 failed to finish in the money.

“The seven horse didn’t run like I thought he would,” Burgart said, and everyone at our table agreed the Los Al handicapping expert was off to a shaky start, but it probably was a bigger concern to the good folks who frequent the Los Alamitos Race Course on Thursday through Sunday.

You see, Mister Ed is not only the track’s handicapping expert, but he’s also the track announcer, apparently sometimes seeing seven horses in a race when you might only count six, and then you wonder why you just can’t win.

This was what I was up against. The contest was to handicap 22 races -- four from Saratoga, eight from Del Mar, 10 from Los Al -- picking one winner in each race and putting $20 in funny money on it with Mister Ed obviously holding the decisive edge because of his 23 years at Los Al, and an eye so keen when it comes to horse flesh that he can see great horses in a race when no one else can.

I won one race at Saratoga to start the contest, and Mister Ed won none. He excused himself for a little while, returned with “Bobs Card,” a tip sheet with a picture of Bob and this note: “Over 100 years of experience & tradition,” which was a little odd, because Bob didn’t look a day over 80.

I won four more races at Del Mar, while Mister Ed got one right. We began the night at Los Al with Burgart down $134 and Page 2 showing an $87 profit.

Let me just say you’re not going to meet a nicer man than Mister Ed, which tells you where he finished. He picked one winner in 10 races at Los Al -- a 1-to-5 choice who earned a $6 profit for anyone betting $20.

At night’s end, the guy was $308 in the hole, losing to Page 2, handing over a check for $2,500 on behalf of Los Al to the kids in the cancer ward, and increasing the total donations to the Children’s Hospital to $9,400.

It would be nice if someone donated $600 to make it an even $10,000, and if Paul Lo Duca was still a Dodger -- knowing his love for horses -- he’d have done it. Unfortunately the Dodgers now have two guys who don’t like horses, and can’t hit.

As for Burgart, he did such a good job of playing the role of old war horse down on his luck, I’m hoping this December he’ll agree to play Santa Claus for the kids.

We already know he’s mighty generous when it comes to giving away Los Alamitos’ money.

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T.J. Simers can be reached at t.j.simers@latimes.com. To read previous columns by Simers, go to latimes.com/simers.