Clippers Have on Hand Different Brand of Player

I’m not sure I’m going to be able to do this, but I’m going to make an attempt here to write a nice article about an athlete, a NBA player at that, who hasn’t been up on charges, thrown a punch at a fan or tried to hit on Vanessa Bryant.

Just to make sure, of course, I asked Clipper forward Elton Brand, “You haven’t hit on Vanessa, now have you?”

Brand paused for a few seconds -- for comic effect, as he would explain a heart-stopping moment later -- and said, “Never.”

Two years ago, we thought Bryant was too good to be true, and he was, so I continued to grill Brand to determine if there really is something wrong with him. I knew it’d make a better story.

“Did you ever steal anything?”

Brand looked down and shuffled his feet. “Yes,” he admitted. “I was a leader of this group of kids and we all stole candy bars.”

Just as I thought -- another criminal dressed in an NBA uniform.

“I stole them, all right,” Brand said. “But I noticed one of the other kids had taken a whole bunch of candy bars, so I had everyone take them back. I guess you could say, we just borrowed them for a while.”

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BRAND SAID he has been stopped by the cops twice, but both times got away without anyone giving him a ticket. Milton Bradley did that too, and eventually the cops caught up with him, and now he’s got to do some jail time.

“I talked my way out of speeding tickets,” Brand explained.

How about parking tickets? “I’ve never gotten one,” he said with a grin. “My car has. But I’ve never gotten one.”

Laugh it up, funny guy, I told him -- you’re still a Clipper.

Two years ago, he tried to escape. Miami signed him to a six-year offer sheet, “and I thought I was gone,” Brand said. “The Clippers never gave any players that kind of contract.”

Brand was sitting in a Miami hotel when the Clippers called and told him they had matched the Heat’s deal. “I definitely wanted to play for Miami,” he said. And how did he deal with the disappointment?

He averaged 20 points and 10 rebounds last season, and gave the team everything he had, including a Pollyanna belief that one day the Clippers would be good. I’m guessing Mr. Dream On also buys lottery tickets every week.

He has his own charity foundation, and without fanfare, recently bought $10,000 in toys for underprivileged kids.

I’m telling you, there has to be a flaw somewhere. I know he got suspended last week for shoving a player, but to hear his supporters explain it, he was just patting some guy on the back for a job well done against him.

I found one witness, though, who said he once saw Brand throw his headband at the crowd. “Wristband,” Brand said. “I threw a wristband to the bench,” apparently missed, and so at least I’ve confirmed his aim is bad.

He was the first player to leave Duke early, though, and probably just for the money. “And with no qualms,” Brand said. “I did it to take care of my family.

“I planned to work on Wall Street. I went to Duke to get that good education so I could get a good job and make money. I left early because I got a good job and the chance to make a lot of money.”

I don’t know how Plaschke does it. These feel-good stories are exhausting, especially when you work so hard to find something wrong with a guy, and you already know he’s an NBA player, so there must be something wrong.

“It’s an honor and a blessing to be in the NBA and do what I do for a living,” Brand said, and now I know who came up with that expression: “Gag me with a spoon.” It had to be somebody who was talking to Brand at the time.

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I TOLD Brand he better have a good game if I was going to write a sappy column about an NBA player who isn’t a disgusting thug. He played well, and the Clippers went into double overtime, but I left because I didn’t want to ruin my first attempt at writing a nice story by reporting on a Clipper loss -- again.

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MY FIRST reaction seeing the headline last week: “McCourt Seeks Loan,” wasn’t much of a surprise. His wife recently bought a $6.5-million home next to the $25-million home Frank McCourt bought near the Playboy Mansion, which might explain why his wife bought a second home. McCourt’s kid, Travis, spent a little more than $100,000 bidding on baseball memorabilia.

I’m familiar with family members spending money we don’t have, but McCourt’s got other problems. He failed to make monthly payments of $232,120 on property in Boston, defaulting on a $22-million loan.

“We are in the process of finalizing an agreement that will bring this matter to a mutually beneficial conclusion,” Jeff Ingram of the McCourt Co. said in a statement, which has to be good news for any lending institution that is dealing with McCourt’s request for another loan.

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SEASON TICKET holders have been told the Boston Parking Lot Attendant is raising preferred parking fees by amounts ranging from $1.25 to $3.70 per game. Ticket holder Jeff Carroll said he paid $800 for a spot last year, and this season will pay $1,000.

“The handling charge has gone up $5 to $20, too,” Carroll wrote in his e-mail. “[The Parking Lot Attendant] must be giving out Christmas bonuses this year.”

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TODAY’S LAST word comes in e-mail from Ted Bloom:

“Once again T.J. Simers proves he’s the lowest form of life [writing about Kobe]. ... At least Jack Haley said it right, if it was up to T.J. Simers to sell newspapers for The Times, it would go broke.”

You think I’ve got problems? You’re quoting Jack Haley.

T.J. Simers can be reached at t.j.simers@latimes.com. To read previous columns by Simers, go to latimes.com/simers.