Shaq’s Got a Brand New Bag

Something ticked off this way comes.

He’s big, he’s bald and he’s in a bad mood on his way to Los Angeles and the biggest or, at least, the most-hyped, game in NBA history.

Yes, it’s our very own Sha-quille O’Neal, even if he belongs to someone else.

Of course, before his historic (?) meeting with Kobe Bryant and the Lakers, he’ll put on his Santa suit and give out Christmas gifts to poor kids.

“Good toys, not just little bags,” he said in October, when he was already obliged to talk about this game. “I’m talking Sega, bikes, scooters, computers, clothes, sneakers.”

With O’Neal, only the uniforms change. He’s still Our Shaq, the little kid in the giant’s body.

The game, itself, has little significance. The teams are in different conferences and don’t compete directly unless they make the Finals, which at least one of them won’t do.

Nevertheless, some things are important just because everybody thinks they’re important, so here’s how it shapes up:

* Chances of Shaq and Kobe getting into a fight: 1,000-1.

* Chances of Shaq and Kobe having a memorable collision: 10-1.

* Chances of Shaq and Kobe exchanging greetings and ruining everyone’s day: 2-1.

* Chance to watch everyone run around in circles beforehand: Priceless.

The Countdown to Christmas Tour went through here Thursday night. O’Neal’s old friends, the Queens, er, Kings, were happy to see him, especially in a Miami uniform, even if the Heat beat them, 109-107, for its 10th win in a row.

The Kings know all about O’Neal too. They once made up Queens T-shirts and sold them in their gift shop. Best of all, those are now collectors’ items! As personnel director Jerry Reynolds told the Sacramento Bee, “I think Shaq needed a change and it’s been good for him and the league. It’s definitely been good for the Kings.”

To see how good it’s been for Shaq, check out his waist. He didn’t have one of those the last time he was in Staples.

For better and worse, he’s still the Shaq you knew and loved from the exciting beginning to the tabloid ending.

If he needs only a good attitude to remain the game’s greatest force for several more seasons, it’s not like when he was young and overwhelming.

A guard, Dwyane Wade, leads O’Neal’s team in scoring, as Bryant did last season.

Before the season, O’Neal told Sports Illustrated’s Jack McCallum, “I’m getting passes from these guys in one day that I never got in eight years. Shovel passes, lobs, things I’ve never seen. Throw me the ball 25 times and I’m going to get you the same numbers I’ve always got. Shaq ain’t Shaq if he’s averaging 20 points.”

Whoever Shaq is, he’s averaging 20.9 points, a career low. He’s also getting a career-low 13.3 shots, down from 14.1 last season when he was playing with Bryant and two more future Hall of Famers.

Nevertheless, O’Neal’s gargantuan presence has lifted Wade from rising star on a playoff team to rising superstar on a first-place team.

So, just in case Shaq tells Kobe that all is forgiven and he wants to come back (that possibility is off the board), look for Kobe, Jerry Buss and everyone else in the Laker organization to start rethinking their positions.

At this momentous time in NBA history, O’Neal has been shutting down, announcing he won’t be part of this soap opera. He won’t even mention You-Know-Who’s name.

Not that that slowed anything down.

“It’s been crazy,” says teammate Eddie Jones. “Every single day, maybe three, four times a day, if we have practice or a game, it’s all about Shaq and Kobe, what do you think is going to happen?

“I think once December rolled around, I mean, you saw them marketing the game big-time. Twenty-five days until Shaq and Kobe, you know what I mean?

“I wake up this morning and look at the paper -- Two days till Shaq and Kobe.”

Nevertheless, when a network camera crew showed up, which was getting to be daily, O’Neal was nice enough to rejoin the soap opera in progress and say all the old stuff: He’s happy to be rid of You-Know-Who, isn’t hurt, doesn’t miss the Lakers and won’t drink poison if he’s booed or loses.

Booing O’Neal would, indeed, be unseemly after he provided Laker fans with three titles and more thrills. It was even worth eight years of watching him clang free throws up there, and all the pratfalls in his first two seasons, before he told the Lakers to sign Dennis Rodman in his third.

Still, anyone who remembers O’Neal tiptoeing into Orlando for the first time as a Laker, which was a big deal only in Central Florida, knows how little he must have been looking forward to this.

Despite appearances, O’Neal is easily hurt. It’s his core insecurity, which fit so badly with Bryant’s core arrogance. If Shaq had been a little less sensitive and Kobe had been a little more so, they might still be together and the league still wouldn’t have a chance against them.

In Orlando in the spring of 1997, O’Neal, who was hurt but traveling with the Lakers, didn’t even attend the game. He dropped his bodyguard, Jerome Stanley, off at the O-rena beforehand, exchanged greetings with the writers waiting in the garage area for him, and drove off.

On the other hand, Shaq did stop instead of slowing his van to 10 mph and making Stanley jump out.

This time, O’Neal will be there, even if the game will have a hard time living up to the drumroll that preceded it.

“I think it’s going to be a tough game,” says Jones. “I don’t think there’s going to be anything that somebody will be able to write a story about the next day. You know, verbal abuse or anybody getting upended some kind of way.

“I think it’s going to be a hard, tough ball game. You’ve got two good teams trying to win a game.”

Of course, anything could happen. It always did before.