Who Knew That Colon Was the Next Big Thing?

You know those TV shots where the pitcher and catcher are on the mound and they both cover their mouths with their gloves so no one can read their lips? Whenever I see Bartolo Colon do that, I expect him to start eating his mitt.

I’m a little surprised the Angels don’t have a Bobblebelly giveaway scheduled for this season featuring Colon. Hey, he might not be the pitcher they expected to get, putting the pressure on the Angels to pursue Randy Johnson, but at the very least we know they can get their money’s worth out of him playing Santa Claus at the organization’s Christmas party.

There’s no question you can manage well with a big belly, but if your ace has been dropped to No. 3 in the rotation and he looks so heavy he could be mistaken for one of the sportswriters covering the team, don’t you worry about his weight?

“I’m heavy; he’s OK,” Manager Mike Scioscia said.

“I may be in the minority, but I don’t believe his pitching has anything to do with weight.”

The Angels’ media guide lists the Bobblebelly at 250, but Scioscia said you can’t believe the Angels’ media guide. “I think it has me at 230 or 240,” he said, sounding like “those were the days.”

The media guide has Scioscia at 245. “So how much do you weigh?” I asked.

“How old is your wife?” Scioscia replied.

“Fifty-four,” I said, as of today, and in another year it won’t cost as much to feed the wife when we go to a restaurant with senior citizen rates.

“Bartolo is probably four to six pounds above where he’s been the past three years,” Scioscia said. “But different scales fluctuate,” and he was way ahead of me. “Now don’t go writing that means he could be nine to 10 pounds heavier.

“Believe me, if we thought weight was a factor, we’d address it.”

Anyone who is married, of course, will tell you the same thing: “If I thought weight was a factor, I’d address it” and sleep on the couch for the rest of my life.

It’s not much different with today’s sensitive pro athlete. Shaquille O’Neal is in Miami because he didn’t like the way the Lakers’ general manager answered a question.

But come on, if the Angels know their Bobblebelly is four to six pounds heavier than when he pitched better, then why not have him chat with Jenny Craig?

The Boston Red Sox put two men on base in the first against the Bobblebelly Saturday night, but the Angels turned a rocket off the bat of Nomar Garciaparra into a double play. Boston loaded the bases in the second, failed to score, but I’m sure the Bobblebelly lost four to six pounds sweating it out because after that he went on to pitch the way he did before he came to the Angels.

The Angels won, but at the risk of playing the heavy here (so the Bobblebelly can relate) you still have to ask what’s wrong with a pitching ace who came to the Angels with more complete games since 2002 than any one in baseball, failing to pitch at least seven innings in nine of his last 12 starts, including Saturday night?

If all the talk is true, the Angels must think the answer is Randy Johnson.

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HAD LUNCH with an attorney. It wasn’t as painful as I thought it’d be. A group of attorneys auctioned off lunch -- with me as the (booby) prize -- for charity. A lady friend of attorney Larry Kartiganer, obviously having no idea who I was or she’s no friend of Kartiganer’s, was high bidder and then sent Kartiganer to eat with me. Immediately, the attorney says he has a gripe. He said I took a gratuitous swipe on Page 2 at a longtime pal, singer Andy Williams. He asked that I not do it again.

I agreed, of course, because I didn’t even know Williams was still alive.

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WE RECEIVED first-class lunch treatment from Michael Goddard, the manager of The Grill, who has a sense of humor. He sat us in a booth next to Bob Daly, the Movie Guy who used to run the Dodgers. Daly stopped by our table to talk about the Boston Parking Lot Attendant, the new owner of the Dodgers.

“I own 5% of the Dodgers,” he told Kartiganer, “and I’ve got more of my own money in the team than this guy does.”

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I WAS told the public can pay the special price of $10 to listen to Times sports editor Bill Dwyre speak at a seminar. For the record I did not start laughing uncontrollably because I also noticed that Rafer Johnson, Anita DeFrantz, Jim Lampley, David Wolper, Peter Ueberroth and John Naber will also be discussing their memories of the 1984 Olympics at Monday’s 7 p.m. seminar at the Museum of Television & Radio in Beverly Hills.

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THE “WOMEN Only NFL 101/201” program at the Hollywood & Highland Ballroom Aug. 3 at 5 p.m. is now open to men who would also like to learn about football. I hope someone passes this on to UCLA’s Karl Dullard.

The program will feature a long list of top-notch NFL talent, including former San Francisco 49er coach Bill Walsh. ESPN’s Andrea Kremer will serve as MC, although most folks probably won’t see her if she insists on standing behind a podium.

Tickets are available by e-mailing alampe@lasec.us or calling (213) 236-2354.

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TODAY’S LAST word comes in e-mail from Kristen Schwarz:

“I just wanted to address some of the comments that were made regarding [Kobe Bryant’s agent] Rob Pelinka in your editorial. I found your comments hurtful and destructive and truly think it was a low blow to call a man who has been through hell in the last two weeks, “just another sleazy, not-to-be-trusted agent.”

I’m sorry, he’s probably not “just another sleazy, not-to-be-trusted agent.” This week he might be No. 1.

T.J. Simers can be reached at t.j.simers@latimes.com. To read previous columns by Simers, go to latimes.com/simers.