Time Goes by Slowly at This Tennis Event

The last time I saw the Watch Girl, she broke down, running from the Staples Center media room, while her handler scolded me for being “too direct.”

I said, I suppose I could have asked her out for a date first before becoming so personal -- asking her why she wears a watch while playing tennis.

I was told the Watch Girl, Justine-Henin Something or the Other, returned to Staples Center last year for the tennis tournament that no one cares about. But at the time it was kind of agreed upon that if I laid off the Watch Girl, I’d get all the time I wanted with someone with a personality.

So I took the opportunity to chat and make fun of Pam Shriver.

Shriver’s pregnant now by James Bond, or the guy who played Bond and married Diana Rigg in “On Her Majesty’s Secret Service,” and there’s a messy situation that I think I best avoid. I also have a little known rule on Page 2: I don’t make fun of anyone whose hormones might be out of whack and who is still capable of wildly swinging a racket.

So that brought me to Indian Wells on Wednesday, the Pacific Life Open and the pursuit once again of the Watch Girl, who got so upset by our earlier meeting that she went on to become the No. 1 women’s tennis player in the world -- as if that would impress me.

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THE FIRST thing you notice when you come here for a tennis match is the number of incredibly optimistic people. I’m not sure I saw anyone with a ticket in hand younger than grandfather Bill Dwyre, and yet the title sponsor of the tournament is a life insurance company when a local funeral home might make more sense.

Now you have all these old people here, and I mean old, and they’ve spent their lives accumulating wealth and so they come here and spend $134 to sit in 100-degree heat and work on their skin cancer.

There’s no question the stadium is first rate, but less than half filled because they’re playing tennis inside. The first match of the day was between Irakli Labadze and Agustin Calleri. Had someone mentioned their names to me before I arrived, I’d have guessed they were hockey players. One of them won.

On the side courts, a crowd gathered to watch players practice. It was topping 100 degrees, and people just stood there watching players smack the ball against the fence. This isn’t like Dodger batting practice where some guy might hit the ball out of the park -- strike that -- I forgot who I was talking about.

I wandered over to the sponsor tents, stopping in the Mercedes-Benz air-conditioned tent to study the $129,720 SL600 two-door passenger coup/roadster -- pretending I had the money to buy it. Now I know what the Boston Parking Lot Attendant feels like.

I moved to the Ojai Raptor Center. A woman there asked if I’d like to adopt Luna, the great horned owl, for $100. I said I’ve never tasted owl, and I must’ve misunderstood, because she left with the owl. (This keeps happening, and I’m going to start thinking it’s me.)

They asked Roger Federer to pose with Luna. They told me he was the No. 1 player in the world. And here I thought he played for the Mighty Ducks.

Oh -- that’s Sergei Fedorov.

Well, anyway Luna appeared to unnerve the tennis player and began flapping its wings and panting. Good thing the tennis player didn’t read Luna’s bio, which said, “she’s become socially handicapped in recent years.” I’ve got a mother-in-law like that. Let me just tell you, it’s not a good thing when she starts panting.

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MOST OF the tennis players on the side courts were hitting practice balls with their shirts off. Then the paying customers began to take their shirts off. I saw Dwyre coming our way and warned the customers they might see something they’d regret.

They tell me none of the sessions over the next four days are sold out. I think I know why.

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ANDY RODDICK was the featured performer at night. Cost another $71 for those who had spent $134 earlier. Cheaper tickets for the two sessions were available for $54. Free would still be a little expensive for my taste.

TV reports had Roddick and hottie Mandy Moore breaking up. I can’t imagine any bigger news in tennis.

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A WTA spokeswoman said she had made contact with the Watch Girl, and she wouldn’t make herself available. I told the spokeswoman Dwyre would keep his shirt on, but got the impression from the spokeswoman the Watch Girl didn’t have a problem with Dwyre.

The WTA spokeswoman told me to follow her to the women’s locker room. She didn’t have to tell me twice. When we got there, instead of the Watch Girl she introduced me to Anastasia Myskina, who had watches running up and down her left arm. Very funny. If only it had been the Watch Girl with the media savvy and sense of humor to do the same thing.

The WTA made another attempt to set up an interview with the Watch Girl late in the day, but I was told she wouldn’t give me the time of day. I wonder then why she’s wearing that watch.

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TODAY’S LAST word comes in e-mail from Alice Barefoot:

“Who are you to judge (horse trainer) Richard Mandella’s people skills? You’re going to look like the back end of an equine when Mandella’s Halfbridled wins the Kentucky Derby. Lots of luck with that interview.”

If I look like the back end of an equine, at least Mandella will feel at home.

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T.J. Simers can be reached at t.j.simers@latimes.com. To read previous columns by Simers, go to latimes.com/simers.