A week on a high-octane diet of pure Fox News

No film this year gave me more horrified howls of enjoyment than “Super Size Me,” the documentary where director Morgan Spurlock offers a visceral firsthand portrait of the hazards of fast food by embarking on a 30-day McDonald’s-only diet. Spurlock’s cholesterol levels skyrocket, his liver functions deteriorate, he gains nearly 30 pounds -- all in a matter of weeks. It gets so ugly that his doctor tries to put a stop to the film, saying his health is at risk.

It got me to thinking. What if I were to test my health in a different way -- spending presidential election week watching Fox News exclusively? Call it the Liberal Cold Turkey Diet: no CNN, no Dan Rather, no PBS, no Paul Krugman columns. My only oxygen would be the pure, unfiltered, high-octane air of Fox News. What better week to test the network’s claims that, while its commentators might lean to the right, its news programming is straight down the middle.

Here are some excerpts from my bumpy journey into Fair and Balanced Land:

Monday, Nov. 1, election eve:

8: 15 a.m. My doctor says I’m in fantastic shape. My blood pressure is 111/64. My cholesterol is 108. My glucose level is 77. He checks my testosterone level. The normal range is 240 to 830. I’m a tad low, but pretty good for a liberal. My doctor chuckles darkly: “Let’s see what happens to that number after a few straight days of ‘Hannity and Colmes.’ ”

9:09 a.m. It’s early, but today’s Fox News theme is clear: pump up Bush, dump on Kerry. News anchor David Asman grills Democratic party strategist Tad Devine on why “we continue to hear from Kerry the stuff about Tora Bora and how we allowed Osama bin Laden to get away and yet he’s on record when that took place saying he wouldn’t do anything different from what George W. Bush did.” When Devine disputes that, Asman jumps in: “He didn’t say that in December 2001

Devine: “Yes he did.”

Asman: “No he didn’t. I can quote him.”

Devine: “You can pull out part of what he said ... “

Asman: (waving papers in the air) “I’m looking at the whole transcript!”

10:04 a.m. Commerce Secretary Donald Evans appears, offering a tribute to guess who: “I’ve known the president for 39 years and I can tell you this is a man that has a big heart and a great mind who wakes up every morning thinking about you.”

10:49 a.m. A Fox News update from Martha MacCallum. I make a note: Every female Fox News reporter I’ve seen so far is a blond. Coincidence or conspiracy?

6:07 p.m. Sean Hannity asks presidential brother Jeb Bush what might possibly be the easiest question he’s gotten in 15 years: “We now have discovered the Democrats were out polling the position for John Kerry on Bin Laden,” says Hannity. “What are your thoughts?”

6:59 p.m. Molly Henneberg reports from the battleground state of Ohio. (If you’re keeping score -- another blond.)

7:26 p.m. A catfight breaks out between political analysts Susan Estrich and the very conservative (and very blond) Laura Ingraham. Ingraham says that when people go to vote they’ll realize “if they support Kerry, they’re aligning themselves with the people of France

Estrich: “I think what Laura is doing now is really destructive. People are sick of this kind of garbage....” I think it is time to check my blood pressure.

Tuesday, election day:

8:48 a.m. The Fox News headline reads: “Trust is a major focus of this election.”

9:10 a.m. Rudy Giuliani is on saying the real focus of the election is “trust.”

10: 03 a.m. Mike Emanuel reports: “The president says this election is all about who you trust.” Anyone want to guess what the Fox theme of the day is?

5:45 p.m. Fox news anchor Brit Hume is definitely not a blond. A man with zero charisma, he’s Fox’s oddly endearing grumpy old man. While everyone else is hyping election drama, Brit seems almost, well, catatonic. No TV news anchor has shown less of a heartbeat since Chet Huntley. The only time he perks up all night is when reporter Chris Wallace jokes about winning a bet involving Jon Stewart. Brit growls: “If you do, buddy, you’re going to be in a lot of trouble with me because I’m going to get a gun and go” -- he pretends to draw a six-shooter -- “POWW!”

6:36 p.m. Rudy Giuliani is on again. When Brit’s eyes begin to flutter shut, Rudy quips: “Brit, get some coffee!”

9:41 p.m. Fox is the first to call Ohio for Bush, giving him 269 electoral votes.

11:11 p.m. Reporter Carl Cameron, at Kerry headquarters, observes that Kerry lives “in a posh neighborhood inside the very posh neighborhood of Beacon Hill.” I head for my posh Hollywood medicine cabinet.

Wednesday

8:41 a.m. I wake up bleary-eyed. Kerry must have lost. Fox’s Brian Wilson is calling him “a gracious man.”

9:02 a.m. David Asman sounds the day’s theme: “We had a greater distance between the two candidates than we’ve had in years. It’s a big mandate for President Bush.”

9:07 a.m. Asman asks Newsweek’s Eleanor Clift, “Doesn’t this qualify as a mandate in your eyes?”

9:15 a.m. Asman: “It is the biggest mandate a president has had since 1988.” On the Fox ticker, it says Bush got 274 electoral votes. In 1996, Bill Clinton got 379 electoral votes to Bob Dole’s 159. I guess Democratic victories don’t count.

9:16 a.m. Megyn Kendall and Carol McKinley report on the Senate race outcomes. Two more blonds. Does Fox have a blond wrangler who finds all these women?

11:24 a.m. Rudy Giuliani is back again. Does he have a deal for a Fox reality show or something?

6:13 p.m. Sean Hannity interviews -- surprise -- Rudy Giuliani. Hannity holds up a very red county-by-county map of the USA, saying “the president got the largest vote margin of any candidate in history.” My chest suddenly feels heavy. Is that a heart attack or just the crushing weight of all those red states?

Thursday

8:25 a.m. I feel as if my blood pressure is skyrocketing, my cholesterol is out of control and testosterone is off the charts. I’m putting off seeing my doctor because I know what he’ll say: “Three more days of this and you’ll be in the cardiac unit. You really should quit now.” I look into the mirror and see my lip curled into an O’Reilly-esque sneer. Fat chance.

9:23 a.m. What do those pointy-headed Europeans think of our president? Cut to the headline in the London Daily Mirror: “How Can 59,054,087 People Be So Dumb?”

9:34 a.m. The day’s theme, the bashing of the liberal elite, is in full swing, with Asman lumping together Bruce Springsteen, Michael Moore, George Soros, CBS and the New York Times. “What do they all have in common?” he asks. “They all staked their chips on John Kerry’s election and they lost.”

His guest, Charles Krauthammer, suggests they all seek asylum in France, noting that “they still have Devil’s Island, which would be an excellent place for them.” I reach for a bottle of Maalox.

5:12 p.m. Bill O’Reilly says, “I was thinking to myself today, who’s the Democrat who’s actually going to tell me the truth?” Oh my God, it’s Al Sharpton on “The O’Reilly Factor.” O’Reilly predicts that Hillary Clinton will be the Democratic standard-bearer in 2008, prompting Sharpton to ask who the Republicans will run.

O’Reilly: “Giuliani.”(Geez, that guy must have a contract!)

Sharpton: “Bring him on! I never thought I’d live to say ‘Bring Rudy on!’ ”

O’Reilly: “Well, he put you in jail once ... “

Sharpton: “That’s why he won’t win! He’d put everybody in jail if he’s elected!”

5:48 p.m. Fox News legal analyst Lis Wiehl (OK, guess her hair color!) predicts the Scott Peterson murder case verdict: second-degree murder.

6:02 p.m. Sean Hannity holds up his county-by-county map again: “It’s all red, it’s all red.” As I pop a couple of Xanax, I wonder -- if I shoved that map down his throat, would a jury convict me?

Friday

1:22 p.m. Today’s theme: Let’s bash the French! Terry (oh-so-blond) Keenan is hosting “Your World With Neil Cavuto.” Jacques Chirac has snubbed Iraqi leader Iyad Allawi. Her guest says it was probably in response to Allawi calling Chirac a “spectator” during the Iraq war. Keenan cheerfully replies: “Referring to [the French] as spectators might be giving them too much credit.”

2:30 p.m. How’s this for a scary Fox headline: “You Decide: 2008.” Or as Fox reporter Heather Nauert (I’ll just say this -- not a brunet!) puts it: “It’s never too soon to start talking about the next election.” As a reporter dutifully slogs through the list of potential Democratic aspirants, Heather cuts him off, getting to the real topic: “How can the Democrats not nominate Hillary?”

2:59 p.m. Outraged over Chirac, “Big Story” host John Gibson complains that the “oily” French leader has run off to see Yasser Arafat on his deathbed. Imagine, he says, “preferring to hold a conversation with a terrorist in a coma than meet with the man who’s trying to bring the values of the French Revolution to poor, beat-up Iraq.” I can envision the Fox News dream Democratic ticket for 2008: Hillary and Chirac!

11:27 p.m. Sean Hannity is still upset about those weaselly Europeans who didn’t lift a finger to help us in Iraq. Interviewing former Democratic VP nominee Geraldine Ferraro, he compares the “holocaust” in Iraq to World War II, saying, “isn’t it a holocaust when you pull 500,000 human bodies out of mass graves?”

Ferraro delicately points out that he seems to have forgotten about the 100,000 Iraqi civilians who have been killed since we occupied the country.

Sean: “Aren’t they better off without Saddam Hussein?”

Geraldine: “No, they’re not better off. They’re dead!”

That’s it. I gobble some Vicodin. I feel woozy, the room starts to spin....

Monday

9:33 a.m. I’ve switched off Fox News and am lying in bed, sipping warm milk, watching a French cooking show on PBS. I’m going to stay under the covers for a long time.

The Big Picture appears Tuesdays in Calendar. For comments and suggestions, e-mail patrick.goldstein

@latimes.com.