Clippers Can Settle for a Nice Game of What If

There was a first-round women’s tennis tournament feel to Staples Center on Thursday, maybe 300 people in attendance when the Clippers took on the Denver Nuggets.

And so I wondered, what if Kobe Bryant had signed with the Clippers last summer?

Would the place have been packed for the first game of the NBA doubleheader with everyone leaving at the start of the second game when the Lakers took on the Warriors?

Would the Clippers be playing Miami on Christmas Day?

Would the Clippers have more than one nationally televised game, as they currently do this season? Would the Lakers, who are scheduled to appear the maximum 24 times on national TV this season, be so popular without Bryant?

If the Clippers had signed Bryant, Mitch Kupchak would have gotten the feeling what it’s like to be Elgin Baylor. (As far as Shaq is concerned, he already is.)

Courtside Laker tickets, including Thursday night’s preseason game, cost $2,000 each. (The definition of insanity, or money to burn.) Clipper courtside tickets are $700 each. If Bryant swapped uniforms, how would those prices have changed?

If the Clippers had signed Bryant, they wouldn’t have made the trade for a one-legged Kerry Kittles, who will earn $10.2 million this season, but who has yet to practice because of a bad knee. (Typical Clippers’ deal).

With Bryant -- this time when broadcaster Ralph Lawler says, “I think the Clippers could surprise some people this year,” you could actually believe him.

If Bryant was playing for the Clippers, would Staples Center boss Tim Leiweke have gone public suggesting more money could be made hosting five concerts than a season full of Laker games?

Would the Clippers make the decision to move to Anaheim -- waving goodbye to Leiweke & Co., to bring Kobe closer to his home?

Had the Clippers signed Bryant -- they already had a plan ready to raise ticket prices and get a better lease arrangement from Staples. Had the Clippers signed Bryant, their intention was to renegotiate their local TV deals with Fox and KTLA demanding more money. Had the Clippers signed Bryant, a year after selling out six home games, team executives believed they would have sold out every home game.

But the Clippers didn’t sign Bryant, and so they will be as crummy as always, giving folks little reason to take an interest in them.

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A YEAR ago the Clippers won 28 games. Can they win 30 this season?

“I think we can,” Clipper coach Mike Dunleavy said.

Can they win 40? “I hope we can,” Dunleavy said.

Can they win 50? “Probably not,” he said.

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WHEN YOU walk into Dunleavy’s office at Staples, there are picture hangers on the wall, but no pictures.

That’s how you can tell it’s the office of a Clipper coach -- always prepared to clean out his office and move on.

The only decorations are an autographed picture of Duke’s basketball team on the top shelf behind him, and a wall hanging in front of him that says, “Pabst old-time flavor,” with a bottle of beer attached -- a reminder, I guess, that the Clippers will drive most coaches to drink sooner or later.

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AS YOU know, there’s no cheering allowed in the press box, which obviously makes it tough for me covering USC’s football games.

The other sportswriters don’t like a lot of noise when they’re eating their free food, so I can’t remember the last time I’ve had the opportunity to just let loose because something really good has happened in a game.

Fortunately, I was home Wednesday and not in a press box. So when the Red Sox knocked the stuffing out of Mr. Grumpy, no lie, I jumped off the couch and gave Kevin Brown a standing ovation as he left the game -- so he could go and beat up the clubhouse.

My only regret was that I wasn’t at Yankee Stadium to ask him if he had any free plane trips remaining so he could make a hasty exit before George Steinbrenner came looking for him.

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ON DAN PATRICK’S ESPN radio show, baseball analyst Rick Sutcliffe said, “Kevin Brown is done.” I hope not. I’m still waiting to get a response to the fan mail I sent him two years ago.

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MORE FROM Sutcliffe: He said the deal of the year was the Red Sox’s acquisition of Dave Roberts from the Dodgers, because Roberts swiped second base in the ninth inning of Game 4, and then scored to tie the score and keep Boston’s chances alive. The credit for making Roberts available, of course, goes to the Boston Parking Lot Attendant -- who did what he could to help his favorite team get to the World Series.

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YOU CAN understand my concern when Alison Bogli, the Lakers’ assistant publicity director, announced before the team’s preseason game that “by the time I’m 40 I want to be married.”

It’s tough enough out there for the daughter who can’t get a date to learn she now has competition.

But then I learned that Bogli, who is already pretty old, is looking to marry a “younger man who is a Red Sox fan, a University of Connecticut supporter, and both a Lakers and Kansas City Chiefs’ fan.”

The daughter isn’t that picky; she’ll take anyone.

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TODAY’S LAST word comes in e-mail from Bill Yarbrough:

“After one of the most exciting days in Major League Baseball history, I just wanted to thank you (yawn) for writing most of your column on your really exciting miss of making that hole-in-one (zzzzzzzz).”

You’re right, I should stop trying to raise money for the Mattel Children’s Hospital at UCLA and work harder to meet your needs.

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Simers can be reached at t.j.simers@latimes.com. To read previous columns by Simers, go to latimes.com/simers.