Princess Brides’ Battle Royale

The once much-pursued prince who said he had to get marriage right the first time just got married for the second time. Charles, Prince of Wales, heir to the British throne, has made an honest woman -- and an honest-to-goodness princess -- of Camilla Parker Bowles.

Much is made of the differences between Charles’ first and second weddings, and first and second brides. About all Lady Diana Spencer and Mrs. Parker Bowles seemed to have in common were July birthdays, Blonde Helper hair and a soft spot for the same guy. Diana referred to Camilla as “the Rottweiler” and would make nuisance hang-up calls to her house. Camilla used to answer her phone “Rottweiler here.”

But that was the ‘80s -- this is the oughts. Or the naughts, as Britons might say.

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-- Patt Morrison

Must-have tacky tchotchkes:

Then: Official china mug, with July 29, 1981, date

Now: Official china mug, with incorrect April 8 date (the wedding date changed after the pope’s death)

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How much on Ebay last week:

Then: $5.60

Now :$56

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Snarkiest tabloid tirade

Then: Tabs boxed jug-eared Charlie; fell hard for Di.

Now: “Boring Old Gits to Wed” Daily Star, Feb. 10, 2005

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Conveyances:

Then: Queen’s 1881 Glass Coach

Now: Queen Mother’s 1962 Rolls

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Ratio of age of conveyance to combined age of bride and groom:

Then: 2:1

Now: 2:5

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Vices of the bride:

Then: Eating

Now: Smoking

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Engagement rings:

Then: Store-bought sapphire and diamond ring ($63,000)

Now: Platinum and diamond royal family heirloom (valued at $935,000)

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The knockoff costs:

Then: $49.50 in 1981 from Gerrards of London

Now: $36 today from Asda supermarket

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Notable attendees:

Then: European and English royalty

Now: Joanna Lumley (Patsy on “Absolutely Fabulous”), Rowan Atkinson (“Mr. Bean”)

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Notable absences:

Then: King Juan Carlos and Queen Sofia of Spain, in a snit over the disputed territory of Gibraltar

Now: Her majesty, the Queen of England

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Wedding invite head-scratcher

Then: Former headmaster Peter Beck, who Charles said twice “caned” him

Now: Joan Rivers