Time for a Pregnant Pause From the Usual Insights

These people live among you:

Steve Ross: “When your targets are extremely well-paid baseball players and executives and even wealthier owners, there are few social side effects. And, assuming your column isn’t fiction, how your daughter takes your attempts at humor is between the two of you. But unfortunately, there are hundreds of un-wealthy working class women in Cerritos and El Monte and elsewhere who will either directly read your column or will indirectly hear about it from their loved ones, who will now feel [worse] than they’d otherwise feel with a huge weight in their stomachs and messed-up hormones.”

They ought to be thrilled it wasn’t the Bagger who got them pregnant.

Steve Korechoff: “Just needed to get something off my chest about Gary Sheffield and I figured you’re just the rebel to listen to me. I’ve already been run off the air by Fred Roggin and hung up on by Jim Rome’s phone screener. Sheffield should have been ... “

Sorry, ran out space.

Curtis Smith: “You wonder why Jeff Kent, Jim Tracy, the McCourts and everyone else in the Dodger clubhouse hates you? It’s because you are a complete idiot.”

They seem to get along with Mr. Lisa.

Steve Archer: “If I hear Vin Scully [complain] one more time about the Dodgers arriving in Colorado at 4 a.m., I’m going to scream. You never write about Scully. Is he sacred or something?”

He’s no Jack Haley, that’s for sure.

Mack Clapp: “I hate to add to your worries about sleeping with a grandmother, but did you ever think you’d be hoping to get lucky with a grandmother?”

When I was 18, and the woman next door ... never mind.

JPS: “I saw you took a cheap shot at Ken Caminiti and the music they played while his wife and three children stood and watched. Even you, Simers, shouldn’t stoop to that level of poor reporting. I hope that when someone in your family has a problem, or dies and is being remembered, they kick dirt on their grave while you stand by and watch.”

You apparently misunderstood; it was a very nice tribute -- showing just how far you can hit a ball while on steroids over and over again -- making it seem like it was well worth the risk, even if, in part, it costs your life.

Hans Harper: “If the Lakers want a big-name coach who has a proven track record, who teaches players and develops them with a focus on defense, then how about stealing away Jerry Sloan of the Utah Jazz.”

I don’t think it’s right to steal; let’s give them Devean George.

Larry Robbins: “There isn’t any player in the NFL draft that can have the impact of Randy Moss. Al Davis isn’t going to let

the parade pass him by -- he’ll lead the parade.”

As long as someone tells him what time of day it is.

Eric Christensen: “You’re an idiot. The only reason people read your Dodger column is the same reason the freeway slows up when there’s a car accident: People love to see a disaster. Why don’t you get some creativity and actually write something interesting or insightful, or just go find a hole, preferably six-feet deep, to go lay in and die.”

By any chance were you in any of Milton Bradley’s anger-management classes?

Jim Fredrick: “Read your column about [ESPN.com’s] Peter Gammons [plagiarizing] an L.A. Times piece on Bradley. You got nothing better to write about than pouting about a guy who is twice the reporter than anyone on your staff?”

Of course, he’s twice the reporter than anyone we’ve got because he’s using his work as well as one of our reporter’s.

Robb Swanson: “Some good comes from your work. Upon reading some examples of it, my 13-year-old son has promised to keep his algebra grade up, so he doesn’t grow up and be a miserable hack like T.J. Simers.”

I never understood why my daughter became an accountant.

Andrew Holmes: “What are the Laker fans going to watch for the next couple of weeks?”

Jeanie Buss’ mood swings.

Charles McAfee: “It can’t just be the people of L.A. who detest you.... I don’t know if your writing reflects your personality, but I have to tell you, it’s more annoying than anything. I miss the days when you used to incite anger in me so much that I felt compelled to write you.”

Yeah, I can see how things have changed.

Ed Kasper: “You still wondering what your future grandchild will be like? Get your daughter a copy of Jeff Mullins’ milkshake recipe and you can watch the kid grow up to be an Olympic sprinter.”

If the kid is anything like its mother, I know it’s going to eat like a horse.

Giles Allison: “Your humor is disparaging to the local sports scene and helps instill doubts in recruits that might otherwise remain in Southern California. I’m hoping that you will understand that I’m, in this instance, referring to my alma mater, UCLA. A very erudite English professor once said, ‘Eschew nugatory prose.’ ”

Since you went to UCLA, who explained to you what that meant?

Joe. T: Your articles [stink]. I am surprised the Dodgers even let you in the clubhouse. For such a negative person how did you become a sportswriter? The best use I have found for your articles is wiping the oil off my dipstick when I check my oil in my BLUE car.”

Thanks, Heloise.

TODAY’S LAST word comes from Patrick Galligan:

“Keep up the fine work. Me and my buddies love your column. Our girlfriends think you’re mean, but who cares?”

I found the secret to a good relationship was finding a woman who couldn’t read.