Action, drama or jerk?

Sorry to say, but the Academy Award nominations omitted a stellar performance in the best actress category: the date I had last fall who smiled and said, “No, I love it when you ramble on about how you drove your ex-girlfriend to the brink of insanity.”

Well, it is a pretty cute story.

It’s Oscar time again -- and that means another excuse to spend an entire Sunday night watching rich, talented, great-looking people gather to make fun of Star Jones’ wedding.

Judging from the five best picture nominees, stable, long-term relationships took a beating on the big screen in 2004. First up: “The Aviator,” the story of a wildly eccentric billionaire with a healthy appetite for women. Next is “Ray,” the story of a legendary musician with an even healthier appetite for women. “Sideways” tells the tale of a struggling actor who, in the week before his wedding, has a torrid affair with this really cute bartender chick on a motorcycle.

Then we have “Finding Neverland,” in which Johnny Depp dumps his wife for a frazzled single mom with four noisy kids and a hacking cough. (Yeah, like that would ever happen.) And finally, it’s “Million Dollar Baby,” which features no romance at all (thankfully) between grizzled Clint Eastwood and spunky Hilary Swank.

Anyway gals, here’s a secret from Oscar and me: You can learn a lot about your date/boyfriend based on which of the nominated films he prefers. A partial list:

“Sideways” (five nominations)

Synopsis: Wine, women, and -- look out!

Review: Check your date’s reaction to Jack’s (Thomas Haden Church) premarital fling with saucy biker gal Stephanie (Sandra Oh). Casually ask him, “So what’d you think of that?” If he even comes close to smiling, head for the hills.

*

“Closer” (two nominations)

Synopsis: Love stinks.

Review: Excruciating. Take two cars. He’ll likely dump you before the final credits. More lying and cheating than on most country music albums. See it with someone you don’t care about ever seeing again.

*

“Vera Drake” (three nominations)

Synopsis: Compassionate British woman pays a big price for her beliefs. Set in 1950s England.

Review: Yawn. Never saw it. Wound up sneaking over to “The SpongeBob SquarePants Movie” instead. But I hear this critically acclaimed film is quite good. Give your date points for suggesting this one, but only if he stays awake for the whole thing.

*

“Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind” (two nominations)

Synopsis: Can’t remember.

Review: Dicey. Maybe he’s trying to tell you he wishes he never met you. Wear a name tag in case his memory “short circuits” during a trip to the men’s room.

*

“Kinsey” (one nomination)

Synopsis: Sex by numbers.

Review: Any guy who takes you to this flick has way more on his mind than Milk Duds and Pepsi. However, if he’s mature enough to watch without giggling and/or sweating profusely, you have a serious catch on your hands.

*

“Super Size Me” (one nomination)

Synopsis: Want fries with that?

Review: Oh great! His idea of a nice dinner includes plastic toys and a strawberry shake. Still, a nice depiction of a girlfriend standing by her man, even as her man grows larger and sicker. Perhaps he’s testing you. Warning: Don’t have the refreshment-stand hot dog.

*

“The Day After Tomorrow” (OK, zero nominations, but lots of cool effects)

Synopsis: Worldwide catastrophe and disaster.

Review: Just the thing to put you in the mood -- hurricanes, floods, tornadoes and the next Ice Age. Men who dig action-adventure flicks spell trouble. They’re generally loud, overaggressive and put way too much salt on their popcorn.

Oh, and if he suggests “A Very Long Engagement” (two nominations), I’d cancel.

Why give him any ideas?

*

Howard Leff can be reached at weekend@latimes.com.