2005 Reasons to Get Along

Let’s face it, it wasn’t a great year on the local pro basketball scene, what with the Lakers’ glory years ending in a thunderclap, and the Clippers’ glory years still deferred.

So, as everyone starts putting a reconfigured world back together after the Lakers’ blowup, New Year’s resolutions have even greater meaning:

Shaquille O’Neal -- I don’t need no stinking resolutions. I’m not angry, I knew this was business, I planned this all along, and it was all you-know-who’s fault.

Kobe Bryant -- I always wanted to see what it would be like to have my own team. OK, we can go back now.

Jerry Buss -- Win some, lose some.

Karl Malone -- I came, I saw, I found out it was all true.

Phil Jackson -- What, me worry? I’m still going with the great flow that governs the universe and if it takes me somewhere I don’t want to be, I assume the lotus position, close my eyes, take deep breaths and think, “It’s Kobe’s fault.”

Lamar Odom -- I’m open! I’m open! Oh, forget it.

Rudy Tomjanovich -- I came, I saw, I found out it was all true.

Gary Payton -- So much for Big Chief Triangle. I’m going somewhere I can have the ball.

Paul Pierce --It’s OK, I’ll let you have it when I’m done with it. How does summer sound?

Donald T. Sterling -- Not you again. OK, put me down for the usual: I just want to win, it consumes my every waking moment, I’m dedicated to doing everything I can, blah, blah, etc.

Elton Brand -- I’ll be right with you, just as soon as I get this note stuffed into this bottle.

Quentin Richardson -- I’m sticking with what I said, all those Clipper stories happened before we got there. Of course, there does seem to be something to them.

Mike Dunleavy -- Our five-year plan’s looking good. I know I’ve just got a four-year deal and the average Clipper coach lasts 1.25, but I have a good feeling.

Tim Leiweke -- Call Bruce Springsteen’s people and tell them we can’t get those dates for a while. See how he feels about touring in 2014.

Mark Cuban -- I’m getting tired of hearing about letting Steve Nash go. Did he win any titles for us?

Don Nelson -- Have you seen where Phoenix is in the standings lately?

Cuban -- I hear they’re doing OK. By the way, I can’t remember you winning us any titles either.

Nelson -- See if you can remember that $15-million deal you gave me. I can spend it as easily on Maui as here.

Vince Carter -- I don’t know what you want from me. I told you all along I wasn’t Michael Jordan.

Jason Kidd -- I’m taking back that one about wanting to be a Net for the rest of my career. How about being a Laker for the rest of my career?

Bruce Ratner -- Next time, I’ll actually break ground before I buy a team. Anyone want to lease a franchise for three, four years?

Isiah Thomas -- Just keep me close until next New Year’s. I’ll think of something.

Lenny Wilkens -- I’ll settle for next Valentine’s Day.

Byron Scott -- Where do I start?

Carmelo Anthony -- I think things are turning around, now that all my arrests and coach have been quashed. Oh, by the way, those rumors about me and La La Vasquez being engaged are false.

Paul Allen -- I told you we’d clean this thing up, get rid of our problems like Rasheed Wallace and resume our quest to build a championship team. Unfortunately, it was in Detroit.

Anthony -- OK, it’s true. We just didn’t feel like telling anyone.

Michael Cooper -- You know, coaching women was actually kind of nice.

Jackson -- Actually, I’d like to coach again if the right situation arises. If you see any great, young teams with a devastating one-two punch that need someone to get them over the hump so I can finally break Red Auerbach’s record, I’m available.

Larry Brown -- How would you feel about Chauncey Billups and Rip Hamilton?

Red Auerbach -- Nothing like a good cigar. Anyone got a match?

Ron Artest -- I regret causing everyone all that trouble since it got me suspended, although it was great publicity for my album on TruLycluless Records. We’re about to cut the follow-up, due for release Nov. 1. That’s opening night, so you might want to lay on extra security.

O’Neal -- Well, maybe I’ll start getting in shape a little earlier next time. Like, before I turn 30.

Gordon Gund -- Next time I cut someone loose so we can give him a better deal, I’ll check to see if he has his fingers crossed.

Carlos Boozer -- That wasn’t me. That was my agent and besides, I don’t know what they’re so upset about. I just went from LeBron James to Gordan Giricek.

LeBron James -- Thanks a lot. Have you ever tried having a conversation with Drew Gooden?

Hubie Brown -- That was actually great. I always wanted to go out the right way. I found out that any way you get out is the right way.

Jerry West -- At least, I found out how the other half lives. It’s awful.

Mike Fratello -- At least, I know Jerry will always have my back. Jerry? Jerry?

Scott Skiles -- I’m going to start being more positive about the Clueless Twins. They’re actually nice people, they’re just in the wrong business.

John Paxson -- That’s a little better but try unclenching your teeth when you say it.

Eddy Curry -- I’m sorry I disowned everyone around me for saying I wanted out, especially Mom.

Latrell Sprewell -- I didn’t mean I was actually having trouble feeding my family at $14 million a year, but have you seen the price of gas at the pump?

Sam Cassell -- We’re not actually pouting because they won’t give us new contracts. We’re just pacing ourselves for the postseason, or next season.

Wally Szczerbiak -- I’ve got my extension so if Spree and Sam leave, I’ve got dibs on their shots.

Kevin Garnett -- If I have another MVP season, maybe we can make the playoffs.

Chris Webber -- I’m sorry for ripping Peja, even if I was just being a leader, I didn’t say it, and the media blew it out of proportion.

Peja Stojakovic -- That’s OK. I’m sorry for saying I want to be traded. I’m actually fine until my contract’s up.

Joe and Gavin Maloof -- But that’s only this season and next!

Stojakovic -- Up here, that’s a lifetime.

Rick Adelman -- No Vlade Divac, no Bobby Jackson, no extension. Time to start working on the book!

Steve Francis -- I don’t understand how the outstanding young player of his generation could get traded. Maybe I gave the ball up too much.

Grant Hill -- And maybe not.

Dwight Howard -- That was really neat that everyone said I had such a great attitude my first month in the league. Now that I’ve seen the way things work, how about running some plays for moi?

Artest -- It’s called “Live from Motown!”

Jackson -- Salary won’t be a problem. I wasn’t really serious about wanting $12.5 million. I could take $10 million.

Mike Montgomery -- I know you’re wondering what I’m doing here, but if you look at it as a fully funded $6-million 401(k), it makes sense.

Sterling -- Why do you think we never win? Oh, I forgot, I asked you that once and I’ve never heard the end of it.

O’Neal -- No, really, I don’t care who gets the shots, points and credit, as long as we win and I get my $75-million extension.

Dwyane Wade -- Just try to hang in there a couple seasons, will you, Your Immensity?

O’Neal -- Teammates. Can’t live with ‘em, can’t kill ‘em. Hey, youngster, at least you-know-who and Penny knew how to spell their first names.

Jackson -- In the meantime, I’m working on my latest book on my Laker years. I’ve hit on a new literary device, like, “Tell some,” which I used instead of the traditional “Tell all.” I call this one, “Tell some more.”

David Stern -- It’s silly to hold us responsible for the decline in Western civilization. With our TV ratings these days, we don’t have that much impact.