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Price Is Not Right for Seats at a Game Without Bryant

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I tried to buy a ticket at the Staples Center box office for the Lakers’ game Monday night, but they wouldn’t sell it to me.

They had plenty of tickets available too, but the ticket seller was so uncooperative that he wouldn’t give me his name, wouldn’t get the ticket manager for me when I asked, and refused to take $100 for a $200 ticket.

“Kobe isn’t playing,” I said. “You can’t expect anyone to pay full price to watch these jokers play.”

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Come on, there used to be talk of a three-peat around here, and now we’ve got the coach of this team thrusting a fist in the air before the game in his meeting with the media, hoping like heck the guys might finally win three games in a row.

I checked with Tim Harris, the Lakers’ celebrity caretaker, to learn what kind of draw the Kobe-lite Lakers might be, and he said he was expecting two: Roy Williams, not the coach but the football player from the crummy team in Dallas, and Michelle Kwan, who is probably destined for a place on “The Surreal Life.”

Then he pulled out a picture of his 2 1/2 -month-old son, Jude, decked out in some kind of Halloween costume -- and you should see how his proud dad dresses -- and it became obvious we were going to see more of Harris’ kid than Jack, who was a sensible no-show.

I asked John Black, the Lakers’ director of public relations, if the team intended to offer rebates to fans as they left the arena.

“If Tierre Brown wasn’t playing, would you ask me the same thing?” Black said, and I suppose if she was scheduled to play in some nightclub and I showed up to find her band wasn’t going to be there, I’d probably want my money back.

(I’m sorry. Black just introduced me to Tierre Brown. I had no idea the shrimp plays for the Lakers.)

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HOW WOULD you have liked to have paid $2,000 for courtside seats Monday night, your big chance to watch the Lakers, spend $10 for the “Big O” with courtside service, which is a rum drink and $6.50 for a piece of carrot cake, only to find Sasha playing in place of Kobe and Harris insisting you look at his kid’s mug shot?

I suppose it could be worse: Devean George could be healthy enough to play.

Utah was playing without its second-leading scorer, the Lakers had Jumaine Jones ready to go, and the whole thing had an exhibition feel to it.

Dave Russell and a friend were standing in front of the Staples Center box office, and were having no luck getting rid of a $125 ticket to one of the luxury suites. Russell offered to give it to me for free, but I turned him down.

Had I taken it, I learned later from the two off-duty LAPD officers hired by Staples, it’d have been a scalping violation and I could’ve been arrested. On the bright side, it might’ve been a chance to run into Milton Bradley.

Speaking of losers, the Clippers played here earlier in the day, getting almost nothing out of the likes of Darrick Martin, Zeljko Rebraca and Quinton Ross in a loss to Sacramento, a team that hasn’t exactly rolled up the titles. Throw in Utah and the Lakers, Jack Haley, who was doing some pregame work for Fox, and this might have been the biggest collection of stiffs to ever take the same floor.

If so, then it was money well-spent for the 35,250 paying customers who came to watch the Lakers and Clippers -- because they witnessed history.

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I WAS on vacation the last week, but there’s no getting away from sports:

On the radio I heard Andrew Siciliano subbing for Jim Rome and discussing Matt Leinart’s decision to stay in school, and sounding like someone who skipped his own share of classes. “It takes guts to go to the NFL,” Siciliano said, while insinuating that Leinart made his decision to remain at USC because he’s a celebrity on campus and it affords him the chance to meet lots of girls. “They have chicks in the NFL, Matt,” he concluded, proving the point you don’t need an education to work in sports talk radio.

In the San Diego Union-Tribune, I was criticized for writing a while ago that the Trojans would be nine-point favorites to beat the Chargers. The newspaper was right; I got it wrong. USC would’ve been a 21-point pick over the hapless Chargers.

On TV, I watched a bevy of female sideline reporters contribute nothing -- in some cases making Lisa Guerrero sound like Jim Gray. After the New York Giants’ last game on ESPN, a breathless Suzy Kolber did everything but ask Tiki Barber out on a date. With nothing to report, we’re now getting sideline reporters telling us what the players told them during the week, just so the cameras have an excuse to show the men in the audience an occasional pretty face. Not that I’m complaining, of course.

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I READ that Paul DePodesta, the Dodgers’ general manager, said the team was torn apart so it could enjoy stability for years. Hogwash, although I noticed some of the media -- probably used to eating the food in Staples’ media room -- are swallowing it.

“I want to put something in place our fans can identify with for a long time,” DePodesta said. Just like the Clippers. The Dodgers are following the age-old Clipper formula: stockpiling young, cheap players, developing them and then letting them go when it comes time to pay them the big bucks.

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I ALSO read that it was all over for UCLA when USC hired Rick Majerus as basketball coach. Then I read that a victory over Washington had suddenly put UCLA Coach Ben Howland on the map. It’s a good thing Majerus left, or someone might have concluded the folks at the newspaper are a little wishy-washy.

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I DIDN’T read any of the figure skating stories the last week. Too close to hockey for my taste.

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I SAW where golfer Michelle Wie tried competing with the men again, failed to make the cut, thereby closing down the freak show early.

I’d never suggest that a woman -- in this case, a girl -- should know her place, but what’s wrong with playing on the women’s tour, dominating it and making it interesting TV fare a la Tiger Woods? Then the big question would be, how would she fare after getting married?

T.J. Simers can be reached at t.j.simers@latimes.com. To read previous columns by Simers, go to latimes.com/simers.

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