Airbus’ Big, Big Bet

Of all the things we were unaware that we needed right now, Europe’s colossal new Airbus A380 airplane is right up there. This 1,200,000-pound monster will pack in you and 799 other people you can’t wait to sit among, and theoretically lift the entire neighborhood into the skies for a long, long, long trip somewhere very together for many hours. Won’t that be fun?

It’s theoretical because this airborne cruise ship won’t leave the ground until it’s tested in March. But that hasn’t kept airlines -- none of them U.S. passenger carriers -- from ordering 139 of these $250-million machines. Such motorized clouds could bring passing shade to L.A. glide-path communities next year.

The Airbus story sounds like an episode of some “Megastructures” documentary. In summary: Several European countries offered more than $12 billion in financing and subsidies to a bunch of multilingual engineers. That bought a whole lot of wine to fuel late-night brainstorming sessions about what people dislike and fear in planes. Then, they designed an immense human cargo carrier that’ll hold a small town of crying babies, talkative strangers and bony elbows on two decks. The lighting will change to ease jet lag adjustments. And don’t worry about crowding: The seats will be one whole inch wider.

The last time you flew somewhere, did you wish there were seven times as many shoulder bag-swingers crowding on with three carry-ons each? When LAX and other terminals convert to handle such people precincts, loading will occur on two levels at once, like ship gangways. Row 84, Seat R, anyone?

Built by 18,000 low-bid contractors, the thing is gigantic. An air pump is car-sized. A simultaneous flushing of the vast plumbing system could seed clouds. The wings -- Shaq could stand inside one -- are made in England and, tides permitting, barged to the Continent. The fuselage is German. The assembly is French, bien sur. It’s 239 feet long, with a wingspan of 262 feet, and nearly a half-million pounds heavier than a Boeing 747, which to many eyes is obviously incapable of flying, until it does.

Airbus seeks to lengthen its new global commercial sales lead over Boeing, which sees the future in smaller, efficient craft because maybe 800 folks don’t want to fly from Minneapolis to Hibbing, Minn. Airbus’ bet is big. It says growing traffic and crowded skies dictate fewer but larger planes, offering spacious first-class beds, lounges, entertainment systems, gyms, even waterfalls, not to be missed during turbulence.

There’s no end to possible airborne amenities. By the time we reach Airbus 480, each flight could comprise a human migration, with casinos, IMAX, Starbucks, boutiques, spas, suites, even parking. Variable configurations could cram 1,000 into the A380 now, sufficient for its own flu epidemic. You’ve got to hand it to those Europeans -- they’re finally acting like Texans.