Newest Soccer Scribe Leaves Some Folks Really Annoyed

These people live among you:

Manuel Hernandez: “Did you watch the game? Were you there? Why didn’t you talk about Zidane and his skills? I am sure that today lots of American children are trying his moves on the soccer fields of California.”

I certainly wouldn’t expect them to try anything they’ve seen the Dodgers doing.

Laura Blum: “Glanced at your column today because someone held a gun to my head. Go ahead, keep whining about the Dodgers and their fans ... you wrote: ‘I can’t imagine too many other towns that would fall for such stiffs.’ Here’s two: Chicago and Boston. Sign me as a lifelong Cubs fan in L.A.”

Here’s hoping that gun isn’t loaded.

Lev T.: “You ignorant moron. ‘Real’ in Spanish means royal. It does not mean true real. Therefore, your sarcastic joke, ‘Phony Madrid,’ cannot be used in your article, you [jerk]. Because of arrogant [jerks] like you, people in other countries think about Americans in not-so-pleasant ways.”

People in this country think pretty much the same way ... so I’m doing what I can to pull people closer together.

Michael De Simone: “After reading your column I had a lot of different thoughts. I am not going to waste my time crafting a complex e-mail to you debating your idiotic points. The primary thing you need to know is that you are nothing. Soccer is the true global sport. You are just a paranoid, close-minded xenophobe.”

Some people are Trekkies. I prefer Xena, the Warrior Princess, and if that makes me a close-minded Xenophobe, so be it.

Robbie Camann: “You are old and fat.”

You’re half right.

Jack Diz: “G.P., thought you might be interested to know that Mackenzie Nicole, a three-year-old filly, finished fourth in the fifth race at Belmont Park (two days after the birth of granddaughter Mackenzie Nicole). This Mackenzie Nicole happens to be the granddaughter of the brilliant and prolific stallion Nijinsky II.

Our filly looks good, but as you know with the Grocery Store Bagger, there is the donkey factor.

Aaron Baker: “As a sportswriter it is your job to be sports knowledgeable, yet you know nothing about the most popular sport on the planet -- soccer. You truly are the Jessica Simpson of sports journalism.”

Wait until I tell the wife that makes her Nick Lachey.

Sheena White: “Well, that was certainly one of the stupidest columns I have ever read in the Times. Perhaps if Americans showed some respect for a game played by the rest of the world, the rest of the world would come to respect American soccer more.”

I go to bed every night hoping that one day the rest of the world will respect American soccer more.

Adam Timrud: “A patronizing and snotty column. No allowance whatsoever is made for the fact that some of us just want to relax and forget about the horrible things going on in the world these days by going to a ballgame at Dodger Stadium with our kids.”

Taking kids to a Dodger game these days borders on child abuse.

Kirsten Dallenbach, Energy Muse necklaces: “All right, mister, it’s been a few weeks (with your Phil Jackson necklace). Did you have any new insights? Is your daughter still looking for love? Does she need to take one out for a spin?”

I’m not sure whether you’re talking about a necklace or a guy, but the answer to both is “yes.”

Krista K.: “I am glad that you did not get to interview the Real Madrid players, as it would have been an embarrassment to Los Angeles and the United States. The term ‘ugly American’ generally refers to a U.S. citizen who is too focused on what happens in America to even think that there might be life beyond our shores. You did not disappoint there.”

You were safe there -- they agreed to talk to only pretty Americans such as FSN West’s Carolyn Hughes, which left Jim Hill and me out.

Rob Conn: “I was at the Giants-Dodgers game last week when the Micro Manager put Jeff Weaver in to pinch-run. Hasn’t the Micro Manager learned by now that any game Weaver is in -- ends in a loss?”

Name a Dodger starting pitcher that doesn’t apply to these days.

Art: “Good morning, Mr. Phony Simers. I woke up this morning and as usual there was nothing going on in my life, so I grabbed the Times and started reading your article about [soccer]. To be honest, I got very excited about your column since you proved that you are a really worthless and useless guy who has nothing going on in his life except hate toward others and toward the two most-appreciated sports in the world -- soccer and hockey.”

Why do the two most-appreciated sports inspire riots and fights?

R. Guillen: “I was in the [soccer] crowd, and I can testify that every single person got his/her money’s worth.”

With so little action going on the field, I can understand how you would have time to talk to every one of the 27,000 people in attendance.

E. Pineda: “That was the worst sports article I have ever read.”

I guess you missed some of the columns I wrote on horse racing.

TODAY’S LAST word comes in e-mail from Marc P.:

“Who sez you ain’t got a friend in town? I pass on the following from People magazine: Salma Hayek is among the celebs who’ve autographed ... bikinis and such for a charity auction. Bid on the bikini Salma signed from Aug. 3-10 at www.gottahaveit.com. How will you explain your successful bid to your wife? Where will you display this trophy?”

On the refrigerator door as incentive for the wife’s next diet. But that’s just between you and me.

T.J. Simers can be reached at t.j.simers@latimes.com. To read previous columns by Simers, go to latimes.com/simers.