He Will Judge This Book by How Many He Covers

Bringing Caesars Palace to its knees to build a children’s hospital wing ...

LAS VEGAS -- A fella can dream, can’t he?

It’s one hour before tipoff of the NCAA tournament, and the Caesars Race and Sports Book is filled with eligible bachelors and anticipation, and Miss Radio Personality remains upstairs asleep. Only one I know who thinks it’s Sleep City.

The huge TV screens dominate the room. They are showing the congressional hearing about steroids. There’s no sound. It’s the best way to listen to politicians.

8:14 a.m.: Rep. Chris Van Hollen, a Democrat from Maryland, is on the screen. I take this as an omen. I’ll bet on Maryland. I check -- Maryland is not playing. Pittsburgh is close to Maryland, isn’t it? I’ll take Pittsburgh. Later I’ll remember most of the players were recruited by Ben Howland.

8:35: Chuck Esposito, Caesars’ bookmaker, a.k.a. the Statue Maker, stops by to check out Page 2’s 16 bets on the first day of the tournament -- $11 each -- on behalf of Mattel Children’s Hospital at UCLA. He makes sure he stands directly in front of a huge statue of boxer Joe Louis, an obvious attempt at intimidation. I notice Louis is taller than Esposito; I look around and I notice everyone in the place is taller than Esposito. I guess this won’t be the first time he’s cut down to size. I have 48 bets to make, and his job is to make sure I go .500. He might be the best choice to coach the Lakers.

9:00: Most of the TVs are turned from Congress to CBS for basketball -- by popular demand. American democracy at work.

9:07: Miss Radio Personality shows up wearing a pink football shirt. It’s St. Patrick’s Day, and she went to Notre Dame, but you certainly wouldn’t want to advertise that the way the Irish play.

9:21: The tournament is officially underway, and a guy from Eastern Kentucky scores the first basket. I have Eastern Kentucky and 16 1/2 points. I’m up 18 1/2 -0. The Statue Maker looks worried; he knows now he’s not dealing with a novice.

9:43: The first race at Gulfstream goes off. It’s horse racing. Who cares?

9:44: I’ve put in a request with Esposito for a do-over, you know, a mulligan -- just one more shot to get the Alabama-Wisconsin Milwaukee game right. Caesars is known for its hospitality. I’ve now seen Milwaukee play and jump out to an 18-9 lead. I’m willing to take my chances with Milwaukee now. Esposito says he doesn’t do do-overs. I never say “no” when Dwyre asks for a mulligan.

10:01: Miss Radio Personality blurts out: “All those poor suckers at work right now.” She’s an accountant; she can pretty much say that every day of the year.

10:20: Pittsburgh is losing to Pacific. If I had seen a California politician on the TV screen, I would have bet on Pacific. How come local government never helps us? I also noticed we didn’t have any suspected steroid users before Congress. No wonder our teams aren’t any good.

10:21: The Statue Maker wants to know how we’re doing. It looks bleak right now, and he says, “What did I tell you? You’ll be going home with only lint in your pockets.” I’ll bet he doesn’t have many friends -- it could be the only bet I win today.

11:03: Debbie Munch, a bigwig at Caesars who arranged the donation to Mattel, has more great news. There’s a huge convention in town, the Concrete Expo. Miss Radio Personality might be able to meet the cement mixer of her dreams.

11:50: The morning games end, Page 2 goes 2-2 -- only 44 more games remaining this weekend. Had I listened to Esposito’s tips, I might’ve been undefeated. I didn’t think he’d tell the truth; when it comes to gambling, I’m used to horse trainers.

12:25: Caesars is building a tower with almost 1,000 more rooms -- none with less than 650 square feet. I guess I lost more than I thought when I was here last year.

2:15: Someone is yelling “Shoot!” so I hit the ground. You should read some of my e-mail. Someone else is yelling “No, don’t shoot!” and I notice it isn’t the daughter. Cincinnati is winning, 76-62, the outcome no longer matters, but the over and under at 138 points does. Iowa scores. Both teams combine for 140 points; the Statue Maker knows his stuff. He’s brilliant. I wonder whether he’s married.

2:25: Three of the four afternoon games swing toward Page 2. It’s 52-52 in one game, but with some positive thinking -- I didn’t say positive writing -- I push Utah to a win. I have a better winning percentage working with Utah than Rick Majerus had. It’s now 5-3 in favor of Mattel.

3:45: The Statue Maker has given us a private table directly in front of the sports book’s prime big-screen TV. He really wants me to suffer when I lose more than I win.

4:15: For a few seconds I wonder how the wife is doing. I hope she didn’t try to use the ATM today.

5:20: The Lakers and Heat tip off. The Lakers would be fifth-seeded in the Austin bracket.

5:25: There are more than 113 guys for every woman in the sports book. It’s a fact. Miss Radio Personality has counted.

6:15: Four more games, two wins and one loss and one bad piece of advice. I picked Nevada. I did. But then I heard Jerry Tarkanian on the radio and he said Texas would roll. So I picked Texas. Nevada won. I demand an NCAA investigation. Twelve games down, 7-5 so far in favor of Mattel. I’d be doing better if I had checked Rick Neuheisel’s bracket.

7:35: I checked with Esposito. He said Caesars has done all right on the first day. I’m relieved to know Caesars will have the money to make good on bets. He doesn’t laugh. I wonder now whether it was a problem.

8:26: Too bad Howland’s players at UCLA couldn’t play Howland’s players from Pitt; only way I know his players would win a game.

9:00: I finished the first day with eight wins, seven losses and one tie. I wagered $176, got back $179. Take that Esposito. That’s also $179 for Mattel, matched by another $179 from Caesars for a total of $358 so far for the hospital.

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T.J. Simers can be reached at t.j.simers@latimes.com. To read previous columns by Simers, go to latimes.com/simers.