As the Dodgers Mail It In, He Anticipates an Apology

t.j.simers@latimes.com

I probably won’t get the chance to read them all, but I know you will feel a lot better about yourself if you sit down at your computer right now and just apologize.

To make it easy, I’m providing the proper e-mail address.

The apologies don’t have to be well-written, or all that long. Maybe something like, “Dear Sports Expert, I will never doubt you again -- especially when it comes to the Dodgers. Boy, I was foolish/stupid/dumb/out to lunch for believing every word the Micro Manager had to say. I don’t know how you do it, Mr. Sports Expert, but you were right once again.”

Now some people are going to interpret this as some kind of “I told you so” message, as if I’d ever think of something like that. No, this is all about making you feel comfortable again, so that in the event we meet one day, you won’t have to look away in shame or embarrassment for doubting or previously mocking Page 2.

In most cases, a simple, “I’m sorry,” will do, but someone like Tony Richards from New York who had his e-mail published a few weeks ago in our Saturday viewpoint letters would probably want to beg for forgiveness.

Richards wrote, “Because the Dodgers are proving what a complete moron T.J. Simers is, how about a simple deal -- when the Dodgers fall out of first place, you can print another Simers column. Until then, his trap stays shut. Fair enough?”

Richards is from New York, and you would think he would’ve run into a lot of morons in his life, but he obviously doesn’t know what it takes to be a sports expert. That reminds me, is Vic the Brick from New York?

Had I not opened my trap, and eliminated the Dodgers from the playoffs after the first game of the season, just think of the shock to your system right now -- the way the Dodgers have taken a dive. I had your welfare in mind, and to think of some of the payback that I got.

The Dodgers were a giddy 12-2, and you know who you are, the ones who e-mailed with suggestions the Dodgers were brilliant and the guy from Page 2 was not. I have had the same thing happen at home on occasion when the wife thinks she was right, and I’ve had to tell her to apologize.

(And as soon as she does, I’ll let you know.)

*

THE DODGERS had the best record in baseball and fooled you. More than 1 million of you, according to the Dodgers on Saturday, have already bought tickets for the first 22 home games, probably expecting to see some really good baseball.

Here’s Jason Phillips living paycheck to paycheck, and you people just seem to have money to throw away.

By the way, that’s Antonio Perez now playing third base. I believe he’s the 103rd stiff to be given a chance there, and you probably can’t tell the difference from one stiff to the next because they don’t have the names on the back of the uniforms. Just think of the money the Boston Parking Lot Attendant has saved by not stitching the names of the ever-changing third base stiffs they’ve had this season.

Some of you, of course, were smart enough to pay attention to Page 2 and understand what was coming. That explains why you went to USC too.

Some of you, though, chose to ignore the doom and gloom warning, and so how do you like your comeback darlings now? Kind of reminds you of UCLA playing in a bowl game, doesn’t it?

Things have gotten so bad that Knute, the Micro Manager, called a team meeting Saturday and begged his team to score a run, which it did -- for the first time in 20 innings.

“He talked to us about sticking together and giving a solid effort,” Milton Bradley said, and when I asked him how many players remained awake during Jim Tracy’s speech, he declined to answer.

*

THE DODGERS are 10-18 since being lucky, falling into third place and proving they can’t beat good teams. The Micro Manager places a big emphasis on winning each series, but the Dodgers have lost a series to Washington, St. Louis, Atlanta, Florida and the Los Angeles Angels.

They have lost to the better teams, while beating only Cincinnati and Colorado in a series -- two of baseball’s worst. Only 39 games to go before they play Colorado again.

Remember when the Dodgers made a point of telling everyone starting pitching would be the difference this year. In the last 12 games, one Dodger starter has posted a win. I guess they were right.

Phillips, the starting catcher, has thrown out two of the 28 runners attempting to steal second. That makes for a great combination: pitchers who put men on base and a catcher who lets them take second.

J.D. Drew, the high-priced acquisition this off-season, who has shown no life both on and off the field, is hitting .246. Both Drew and Jeff Kent live in another world, for the most part isolated from their teammates and each other, which makes things appear even bleaker when you consider how much chemistry played a role in the Dodgers’ resurgence a year ago.

Bradley said somebody has to show some anger, and said maybe he should be the one to get mad. (I told him I didn’t think that was a good idea.)

“We’re not the team that went 12-2 to start the season and we’re not the team that is struggling as badly as we are now,” he said. “We’re somewhere in the middle.”

I agree, which makes the Dodgers nothing special -- just like I suggested from Day 1.

*

THE SPARKS opened the season about the same time the Dodgers began play against the Angels on Saturday, which made it difficult to monitor the Sparks’ game. So I gave up.

*

TODAY’S LAST word comes in e-mail from Patti Shea:

“So I’m adopting a dog and am having a rough time coming up with a name for the little fella. My friend wants me to name it TJ after you, but I want to name it Scully after Vin. What do you think?”

Depends if it’s a mutt or a pedigree.

*

T.J. Simers can be reached at

t.j.simers@latimes.com. To read previous columns by Simers, go to latimes.com/simers.