It’s a World of Hurt for Dodgers, and Him Too

I’m old and broken down, so I’ve come to Dodger Stadium to chat with Kenny Lofton and Nomar Garciaparra, knowing they can relate.

I wanted to ask Garciaparra whether he’d heard of Wally Pipp, but instead I ran into Lofton in the elevator, and while he wouldn’t make eye contact -- understandably embarrassed he was on the disabled list and I was playing hurt -- I tried to lift his spirits by telling him I’d be talking to him later.

He moaned, and I had no idea he was in such pain.

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TRUE STORY. I can barely walk, suffering a serious knee injury while on assignment in Las Vegas, sitting through the first 48 games of the NCAA tournament, only to hear something in my knee pop when I finally stood up.

I called my doctor (he was in Hawaii), got sent to urgent care, where they took their time, went for an X-ray because an MRI exam on our HMO plan is obviously too expensive, and was told to wait for the guy to get back from Hawaii.

He returned, telling me how much it rained while he was there, and referred me to a shoulder specialist. Let that be a lesson, if it rains while your doctor is vacationing in Hawaii, it’s not a healthy idea to reply, “Good,” when he mentions it.

I switched to a knee guy, Dr. Kenneth McCulloch, and who knows if he’s any good? J.D. Drew and Cody Ross are both baseball players, but who would you pay to see?

I’ve been given no choice, and now I’ve been told I have to wait 20 days to see Ken. Imagine if I was a Dodger player, the season could be over by then.

“I’m just supposed to limp around in pain for the next 20 days?” I asked the appointment clerk, and she said, “Yes,” and sounded pretty happy about it, leading me to believe I just might be talking to one of Garret Anderson’s relatives.

I mentioned the delay to the guys in the office, and they suggested drugs. In fact they seemed to know a lot about drugs, which was good, because I didn’t want to bother Derek Lowe with my questions about drugs.

The guys in the office said they had similar problems with HMOs, and weren’t surprised with my Cigna plan, which is apparently designed to prolong pain in the hopes it might go away before someone forces Cigna to pay for a MRI or treatment.

Since the guys in the office were so helpful, I went back to Lofton, since he’s broken down too and asked whether he had any advice.

“You’re no athlete, so I don’t know how much it matters,” Lofton huffed. “You sit around just eating. Look at you.” I wonder if he says the same thing to Grady Little?

Then Lofton pulled up his shirt and began slapping his flat stomach, and while I thought about pulling up my shirt, I didn’t want anyone mistaking me for Brad Penny.

“You didn’t use everything I said in the paper,” Lofton added with irritation, referring to opening day and the ridiculous things he had to say.

I explained to him that I write down only the interesting things players have to say, which makes it difficult writing down anything he has to say -- thereby forcing me to only write down the ridiculous things he had to say.

“I played in New York and dealt with the media there,” Lofton said, and I’m not surprised those people write down everything someone has to say, interesting or not. I’m just surprised Lofton played enough to be interviewed.

“You have a bum knee and a big stomach,” Lofton said, and I waited to see if he was going to stick his tongue out too.

Lofton then turned to someone else and said he wanted to order some bats.

“That’s a good sign,” I said. “You must think you’re going to play this year.”

Lofton got testy again, and proclaimed, “I’m a real athlete ... I could beat you in a race.”

I know this, my hand is going to get tired if I continue to write down every ridiculous thing he has to say this year.

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JEFF KENT left Wednesday night’s game early because of a bruised triceps muscle, the third Old Timer now to miss time. What a surprise.

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OLMEDO SAENZ left Wednesday night’s game early with an injured back, the fourth Old Timer now to miss time. What a surprise.

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ODALIS PEREZ had a 5-0 lead before falling apart and allowing the Braves to rally and take the lead. What a surprise.

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GOT A call from the Tipper Gore Lady, the Dodgers’ image-maker, and she asked whether I’d be willing to change Jamie McCourt’s nickname back to “Size 0,” or “Frank’s Young Lady,” or anything other than “Frank’s Old Lady.”

I was surprised, because just a few days earlier the Screaming Meanie had personally requested a new nickname, and showing what kind of guy I am, I thought if it was that important to Frank’s Old Lady, I’d do it.

The Tipper Gore Lady pleaded some more, but the begging failed, and she suggested a bribe, offering a donation to the Mattel Children’s Hospital at UCLA. I think the kids are with me on this one, and just hope Frank’s Old Lady understands.

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ON THE wall outside the clubhouse, the Dodgers have hung the team’s retired jerseys, Tom Lasorda’s No. 2, of course, included, and not surprisingly with a stain on the right shoulder -- which looks like it could be marinara sauce.

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BEFORE THE game, the Dodgers honored the late, great Rod Dedeaux, who led USC’s baseball team to 11 national titles.

“He was the college coach of the century,” Lasorda said. “What John Wooden was to college basketball, this man was to college baseball. He was my mentor, my idol and my friend.”

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T.J. Simers can be reached at

t.j.simers@latimes.com. To read previous columns by Simers, go to latimes.com/simers.