Good Rips in Order at Dodger Stadium

I took batting practice at Dodger Stadium on Wednesday afternoon.

It was only a matter of time before I got the call, especially the way the Dodgers’ offense has been going lately.

I’ll just say this: The ball flew off my bat, so you know I wasn’t using any of Kenny Lofton’s bats. In fact I just took for granted I’d be using Nomar Garciaparra’s lumber as it’s going to waste.

Now the Dodgers offered some other excuse why they wanted me there, even mentioning something about pushing their Think Blue Rewards program, but I’m not surprised they didn’t want the players to know they were already auditioning replacements.

I’m just taken aback they didn’t ask me to squat behind home plate and throw some runners out at second base so they could see what that is like.

“I had no idea,” Jeff Kent said when I took him aside to let him know that I might soon become his teammate. “You can call me any time. I’ll come early to the stadium and I’d love to throw batting practice to you.”

“What a guy,” I told Kent.

“Just remember to bring a helmet,” he said, and I thought that was mighty thoughtful of him.

*

WHEN I arrived for my tryout, I found Damon Andrews, the sumo wrestler who does the sports for KTLA, waiting for an audition as well.

“I once caught a ball with one hand off the bat of Albert Pujols,” the sumo wrestler said, and I’m just surprised he didn’t eat it.

I had heard KCBS’ Jim Hill also might pick up a bat until the Dodgers stipulated they were only interested in folks with some kind of athletic ability.

“I hurt my knee once in a basketball game, and the score was 11-7 and I had scored all seven points,” the sumo wrestler said, and as you might have already guessed by now, he was talking to himself.

“If I hit the ball, I know it’s going to go a long ways,” the sumo wrestler said as he stepped into the batter’s box, taking a mighty swing, and as tape measure shots go, whatever the distance from home plate to just beyond the pitcher’s mound, he got all of it -- if you take into consideration the roll.

Hill, by the way, spent the day trying to get something interesting out of the Ducks -- striking out as you might imagine.

*

I WENT to Lofton, told him I might be joining the team, and knowing he’s batting .158, I asked him, “Are you worried?”

Well, I got the strangest look from him, almost as if he had remembered to bring his sword to the game, but had left it in the car.

“You and I could make quite a team,” I continued, explaining that I have a bad knee just like Barry Bonds and I could use a late-inning defensive replacement. “With my power and your speed ...”

“That’s a joke,” Lofton said, and he sure is quick.

“Why are we even conversating?” Lofton said, and because I don’t recall ever conversating with anyone before in my life, I wanted to give it a try.

“Shouldn’t your batting average be a little higher?” I suggested.

“Not necessarily,” Lofton said, and frankly, I like the sumo wrestler’s chances of hitting better than .158 with his eyes closed. Now that I think about it, I’m not sure I’d be so confident if he insisted on hitting with his eyes open.

“Rome wasn’t built in a day,” Lofton said, forcing me to close my notebook and stop conversating with him.

“You say you want me to put what you say in the newspaper, I remind you that you’re boring, and then you offer nothing but cliches,” I said. “I don’t do cliches.”

That’s when Lofton walked out of the clubhouse, and because I wasn’t exactly sure how far away he had parked his car, I thought it might be best to leave and go to the Laker game.

*

BEFORE THE game, I told Phil Jackson, “You and I were probably the only two who picked the Lakers to make the playoffs,” and did so with a straight face.

“Are you like me now, and think they might even have a chance of advancing beyond round one?”

Jackson said it’s “real difficult” for a No. 2 playing a No. 7-seeded team “because usually talent tells over the course of a season.”

So you’re not as optimistic as I am?

“I’m not downplaying it at all,” he said, while trying to reassure me that we really do think alike most of the time.

*

KELLY DWYER, writing for SI.com and no relation to the old guy at The Times, rated the NBA TV announcers, and gave the Clippers’ duo an A-plus.

He offered 158 words of praise for Ralph Lawler, concluding, “This year’s Clippers team has gotten it right, and Lawler -- as you’d also expect -- has risen to the occasion.” For some reason he did not have a word to write about Michael Bore, ah, Smith.

The Lakers’ TV team received an A-minus.

*

I HEARD Jack Nicholson was going to invite Regis Philbin to join him at courtside because Philbin had whined about it on TV. I took a look, but Nicholson spent most of the game hunched forward, leaning on an elbow and seemingly doing everything he could to avoid talking to the guy next to him.

That’s when I knew he really had invited Philbin.

*

TODAY’S LAST word comes in e-mail from Tommy U:

“While watching the Dodger telecast, I heard Vin Scully say Franquelis Osoria has a sixth digit on his pitching hand, but doesn’t use it while gripping the ball. I’d like to see this digit. Maybe you can ask him about it.”

You’ve come to the right place; I have a certain knack when it comes to getting a Dodger to show me a digit.

T.J. Simers can be reached at

t.j.simers@latimes.com. To read previous columns by Simers, go to latimes.com/simers.