Teams’ efforts not worth paper they’re printed in

Contrary to anything else you might’ve heard, things are really looking up for Tribune Co. employees these days.

Tribune owns the Chicago Cubs as well as The Times, and recently both have gone on spending sprees. Happy days are here again.

The Cubs just put out more than $230 million on employees such as Lou Piniella, Alfonso Soriano, Wade Miller, Kerry Wood, Aramis Ramirez, Mark DeRosa and Henry Blanco.

The Times, meanwhile, added a pair of promising players in Publisher David Hiller and Editor Jim O’Shea, and as soon as Hiller returns my phone call and O’Shea responds to my e-mail asking what each of them is being paid, I’ll let you know. I’m guessing millions and millions and three-day workweeks.

As you know, Soriano was the No. 1 available free agent, coveted by the Dodgers and Angels, a power hitter who can play the outfield and infield.

I can’t say I know much about this Hiller fellow. I checked the Internet, and it indicated David Hiller directed “Go! Exercise With the Teletubbies” -- which reminds me, I was talking to Dwyre.

He said he spent some time recently cozying up to the new boss, and “when Hiller left the room to pose for pictures,” Dwyre said, “a waiter came along and took his salad.”

I know what you’re thinking -- another fascinating story from Dwyre, who then went on tell me with great excitement that he made sure Hiller got another salad.

“I’m expecting a huge raise,” said Dwyre, who apparently believes the new publisher of The Times really is the director of “Go! Exercise With the Teletubbies” and protecting the exercise freak’s salad is the best way to get his attention.

Now if it is true and The Times did bring in some big-time movie director to run the newspaper, it would indicate Tribune Co. has finally gotten a grasp of the L.A. market and its place in the entertainment capital. But if it’s just some guy named Hiller ...

Well, that was Hiller, who just called. He wanted to know where I got this stuff about his directing the Teletubbies. Odd, I thought, that he didn’t deny it. He just wanted to know where I found it.

I asked him what Tribune Co. is paying him and he said “fair question,” although I wasn’t really interested in his editorial comment. “Less than Kerry Wood -- way less.”

And what kind of arm does Hiller have?

“Maybe better than Kerry Wood,” said Hiller, who confirmed Dwyre’s story that Dwyre had saved his salad in an effort to win the publisher’s favor.

“He threw himself right on top of it,” Hiller said.

THERE IS talk that the Cubs are for sale, as well as The Times, which is disturbing because it sounds as if we’re finally going to have a good baseball team.

As for the paper, it hired Hiller, who apparently has a sense of humor, and O’Shea. I’d like to think that, just like with the Cubs, more employees are going to be hired, although there has been talk about dropping people here. That certainly throws a different light on the company’s invite to employees to celebrate the paper’s 125th anniversary on the rooftop of a parking garage next month.

I take it, though, as just one more indication Tribune is willing to spend money -- on a party. By most accounts, the Cubs aren’t done spending either. They might land Carlos Lee or a big-time pitcher, spending millions more to put together the best possible team.

The Angels, not to be outdone, have traded for Chris Resop.

And the Dodgers’ search for improvement brought them back to Nomar Garciaparra.

Consider all you have heard recently about the financial woes of Tribune Co., and what does it say about Arte Moreno and Frank McCourt that Tribune has spent more on new contracts than those two combined?

MORENO promised a blockbuster addition to the Angels. So far it appears The Times has added more firepower than the Angels, and although I’ve never met O’Shea or received a return e-mail, he has to have more on the ball than a guy like Resop with a 5.63 lifetime earned-run average.

As for the return of Garciaparra -- bravo. There’s some concern about his holding up, but right now I like his chances of hanging in there longer than O’Shea.

I can only base this, of course, on what Dwyre tells me.

The noteworthy thing about Garciaparra is, he proved himself a competitor last season, moving to first and then playing almost flawlessly. He’s boring, but in time it became clear it had more to do with his preparation than his reluctance to be cooperative. He returns as the Dodgers’ leading home-run hitter, with 20.

The Dodgers will no longer get the chance to add significant power via free agency, which puts them in the position of having to give up skill to add a big bat. The Angels have to hope they don’t get outbid for J.D. Drew.

The way things are going around here, it’s just too bad the Angels and Dodgers aren’t more like Tribune Co.

THANKS TO Dan Avey, who e-mailed to say he has a Santa Claus suit large enough for Tom Lasorda to wear to the Mattel Children’s Hospital at UCLA Christmas party. Later it can be cut up into pieces to make blankets for every man, woman and child in China.

TODAY’S LAST word comes in e-mail from Simone Farber:

“I know you’ve gotten a billion e-mails about this, but the rap artist who recorded the Oscar winning ‘Lose Yourself’ is EMINEM. He’s been rather successful in his field, and you referred to his song so poetically multiple times, but misnamed him (M&M;) so tragically.”

You got me, which is funny, because everyone else who e-mailed thought I was just joking.