Food for thought? Contest serves it up

No such thing as a free lunch?

Nonsense.

I’m about to offer a tasty repast at a landmark Southern California dining establishment. The prize will go to the reader who is smart enough and fast enough to beat the pack and ace my food nutrition quiz, which I’ll get to in a minute.

I got the idea after reading my colleague Mary Engel’s story last week about a quiz flunked by a majority of the 523 Californians who took it. Not a single person correctly answered all four questions on the nutrition content of the offerings at Denny’s, Chili’s, McDonald’s and Romano’s Macaroni Grill.

Actually, I didn’t know there was supposed to be a healthful choice at any of those places, and I’ve never visited the Italian joint because I’d have to be forcibly dragged into an establishment calling itself a macaroni grill.

The fact that two-thirds of the test takers got every answer wrong -- here in the state that came up with the idea of putting sprouts in sandwiches -- could explain why more than half of all Californians are overweight, including 28% of our children, according to Harold Goldstein.

He runs the California Center for Public Health Advocacy, which conducted the test. Given the huge rates of heart disease and diabetes associated with obesity, Goldstein said, U.S. children born in 2000 could become the first generation in recent history with a shorter life expectancy than their parents.

To be honest, I only got two of the four answers right. I missed the one on McDonald’s, which asked which of the following had the most calories.

A. 2 Big Macs

B. 2 Egg McMuffins

C. 1 large chocolate shake

D. 4 regular hamburgers

I went with the 2 Big Macs, but does this mean there are actually people who go to McDonald’s and eat two of those sinkers at one sitting? If so, wouldn’t it be thriftier to jump naked into a tub of cooking grease and count backward from 1,000 until the heart stops cold?

The correct answer was the chocolate shake, a frosty and quickly regrettable 1,160 calories, which happens to be the combined weekly caloric intake of Keira Knightley and Lindsay Lohan.

By the way, I’m no food cop, and believe there is no greater fraud than the multibillion-dollar diet industry, which preys on the epic lack of common sense in the U.S. If you want to lose weight, my revolutionary program -- available for just $29.99 monthly and GUARANTEED to begin shaving pounds INSTANTLY if not sooner! -- involves exercising just a bit more and eating just a tad less.

Moderation, friends. Only the most iron-willed among us -- in other words, people who have taken all the fun out of their lives -- can resist the occasional taco or pizza. So I thought I’d do a little research to help you sort through the temptations at some of Southern California’s most well-known eateries.

I’m talking about In-N-Out Burger, Pink’s hot dogs, Burrito King, Yang Chow and Wolfgang Puck Gourmet Express.

After commissioning the services of a food analysis laboratory in the Greater Los Angeles area, I set out on my mission. As instructed by the lab, I placed my purchases into sealed baggies, dropped them into an ice chest and then ferried my cargo of calories down to the lab.

At In-N-Out on Brand Boulevard in Glendale, $4.37 got me the double-double burger, which comes with two meat patties and two slices of cheese, and an order of fries. Before I got to the door, there was enough grease seeping through my white takeout bag to coat my wheel bearings.

The scent of melted fat clocked into me and broke down all my defenses. My car drove itself to Burrito King in Silver Lake, where I sniffed at the window as the short-order man slapped my beef around on a sizzling grill. Two carne asada tacos set me back $4.01, and it was painful to have to seal away the goods and drop them into the cooler.

Next stop was Pink’s on La Brea, where the 11 a.m. line was only about 15 strong. I slid $4.30 across the counter and left with a bacon chili cheese dog, a gut-splitter that covers all four food groups. That’s meat, dairy, vegetable and grain. So it’s got to be good for you, right?

I drove downtown to the Wolfgang Puck Gourmet Express on 5th Street and let them have $9.69, which got me a small pepperoni-and-mushroom pizza and a note from Mr. Puck on the bottom of the menu. Puck talks of the pride he takes in his all-natural offerings and the “humane treatment of animals” involved. But if my pepperoni could talk, would it agree?

Puck said the restaurant offers “food that tastes great and helps keep us WELL!”

We’ll see about that, Wolfie, when the lab results are in.

My last stop was at Yang Chow in Chinatown, where the famous slippery shrimp, with steamed rice and a fortune cookie, cost a stiff $15.70. Even with the “slippery” thrown in, whatever that means, how can shrimp and rice be anything but healthful and wise?

After that, I drove south, lugged my ice chest into the lab and handed over the finest bag lunches Los Angeles has to offer. The thought of scientists poring over two carne asada tacos, in the public interest, fills me with the pride that only important journalism can bring.

A lab employee promised he’d get back to me this week with the nutritional breakdown, and I called Goldstein to let him be the first to take the quiz.

1. Which item -- burger, tacos, hot dog, pizza or shrimp -- has the most calories and which has the least?

Goldstein went with the bacon chili cheese dog and the pepperoni-and-mushroom pizza. (The guy’s got a doctorate in public health, but don’t be impressed. He flunked his own test.)

2. Which has the most fat and which has the least?

“Oh, I have no clue,” Goldstein admitted, but he went with the chili cheese dog and the slippery shrimp.

3. Which has the most protein and which has the least?

Goldstein, who had written down his list of options, sounded like he was blindfolding himself before taking another wild stab. The double-double burger had the most, he guessed, and the pizza had the least.

4. Which has the most carbs and which has the least?

He went with the slippery shrimp, trying to talk himself into feeling confident. And the carne asada tacos.

Now it’s up to all you hungry lions out there.

The first reader to submit the correct answer to all the questions will win a free lunch with me at his or her choice of the five restaurants. The lab will get back to me Thursday, and you can read all about the results in this space next Sunday.

Enter the contest by e-mailing your answers to steve.lopezlatimes.com or sound off on the column at www.latimes.com/lopezlunch.

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steve.lopez@latimes.com