RSVP?

I would like to invite T.J. Simers to stay at my house in the days leading up to the Nebraska-USC football game. (I know sportswriters don’t make much money and the L.A. Times, especially, is struggling through a difficult financial time, so I’m glad to help.)

To make Mr. Simers as comfortable as possible, I will need some additional information:

What gang does he belong to? I would hate to have the wrong color bedding in the guest room. I wouldn’t want a capper popped into my side.

(Is that the right lingo? I’m hoping to learn such things from Mr. Simers.)

Will he be bringing his own smog for breathing? Our clean Nebraska air is not for everyone. Should I arrange for him to sleep in the garage with our cars running?

Is Mr. Simers easily confused or disoriented? I say that because his columns are not particularly funny or well written. The vision of a clear sky with bright stars and a moon may be especially confusing to an adult man of meager intelligence who has never seen such sights. A baseball cap with a long bill might help.

Will Mr. Simers have any special dietary requirements? As a sports columnist I know he eats a lot of crow. Anything else?

Oh yeah, will USC alum O.J. Simpson be coming along too? If so, I might take a few extra precautions.

I look forward to hearing back.

Tim Siedell

Lincoln, Neb.