Two beautiful Dems stand before us ...

Jen Sullivan Brych is a writer and Matt Vespa is an attorney, both in the Bay Area.

The following is a leaked transcript of the finale for supermodel Tyra Banks’ No. 1 rated show, “America’s Next Top Democratic Nominee.”

TYRA: Hillary Clinton and Barack Obama, will you please step forward?

[They move closer to Tyra]

Two incredibly beautiful candidates stand before me, but only one of you can continue on to become America’s Next Top Democratic Nominee.

Hillary, you have come such a long way. You’ve lost the pantsuits, for the most part. You’ve started to laugh, to talk about your faith. You’ve gone outside your comfort zone. Girl, you are looking fierce! And you are such a gorgeous, intelligent woman. But the judges see your photographs, and your poses still look too planned, too calculated. A top candidate must not only speak from the brain but from the heart. The judges wonder whether you are likable.

Let’s look at your best photo from the campaign-speech-on-a-trampoline-on-top-of-a-skyscraper challenge.


[Cut to photo]

You’re smiling, but it’s a tight, frozen smile. And I don’t mean “tight” like, “Haay Ja-nae-nae, that party last night was tight.” I mean truly tight, and immobile. I see the desperation in your eyes. The desperation to be liked.

This is not the first time you’ve had this problem in this competition. This photo reminds me of when you addressed the question of you -- I mean your people -- planting a question in the audience in Iowa. And it reminds me of your changing stance on driver’s licenses for illegal immigrants. And it reminds me of your horrendous appearance on David Letterman. You were trying to be the life of the party, with all of your meta-joking about his jokes about your pantsuits. But whenever you went off script, you were like somebody’s grandmother at a 1950s cocktail party with a tray of wienies. You were all like “Daaaaave! So nice to seeee youuuu!”

The judges aren’t sure that you can let go of the past and get your personality back! I know you’ve had a lot of terrible things happen to you, Hillary. Terrible, terrible things. Do you want to talk about those horrible, terrible things?

[Awkward pause]

HILLARY: No, ma’am. You knew I was afraid of heights, so that’s why my smile was “tight” in that photo. OK?

TB: Do you want to cry about those horrible things in your past, Hillary? Just let it out, girl. Go ahead.

HRC: No, ma’am.

TB: OK.. We can talk about your husband getting terribly, horribly, hmmmmm, pleasured in the Oval Office some other time.


HRC: I’m not going to cry.

TB: Fine. Hillary, you’ve come a long way. But when you refused the platinum blond hair extensions that we so kindly offered you, well, that cost you with the judges. You need to listen to the experts. Don’t be so prickly. The judges said you act like you deserve to be here because of your first lady experience and your second term as a senator. That is one big sense of entitlement. But how much of that hangin’ in the White House is really presidential experience? Are you hungry enough for this?

TB: One more thing, Hillary. You have got to cut down on those steak and potato dinners. You do not even know how much we had to Photoshop this picture. Listen, I’m gonna be straight with you. I have earned this body, girl! I starved myself for 30 years, and I’m done! Now, I eat bread sandwiches all day, and I tell my candidates how to arch their backs so their stomachs don’t stick out.

[Turns to Obama]

TB: Barack, the judges say, “He is such a good-looking man!” Charisma, charm, you’ve got it. You connect with the audience, but do you have the experience to be the top candidate?

Let’s take a look at your best photo.

[Cut to photo]

Look at those graceful legs, the swan-like neck. Your body is so flexible, so dancer-like, that you truly look like a man who can go with the flow, a man who can face any situation and be calm, cool and collected. But there is a vacant look in your eyes. You need to focus your eyes on one thing so that it gives the illusion of something behind them.

Also, you did not do well on the speech portion of the challenge. So many ideas, Barack, so many ideas: Bring home the troops. End the war in Iraq. Talk with Iran. Get us some healthcare. And $18 billion on education. But where is the experience to back it all up? Where is the master plan? How’re you gonna take care of business?

You do have someone big on your side though, I’ll give you that. She who must not be named. Let’s just call her Big O. And that’s huge. Just like her.

But Barack, even the way you’re standing before the judges right now, you look more like an eager little boy with big ears than a top nominee. I love your ears, Barack, but are they presidential ears? You have got to work those ears, man. Own them.

You also did not perform well in the Crisco-coated-runway challenge, Barack. The judges said, “Look at his bony butt, skinny legs, all sliding around up there. They are lost in that suit.” That suit is wearing you, Barack. You have got to wear the suit. You have got to stand on two feet to take Hillary down. Call her out, baby. Call her out on her votes for the Iraq war and for condemning Iran’s Revolutionary Guard, every day.

You are trying to be hard, but are you tough enough? You could be the next JFK, baby, if only you can take a strong, old-fashioned liberal stand against war!

BARACK: Thank you, Tyra. Thank you very much for the complimentary comparison.

TB: I mean, JFK was, like, the first Catholic president, right? And one of your grandfathers was Muslim. See where I’m going with this?

BO: Uh ... I see your religious focus as ...

TB: Two beautiful candidates stand before me. One has the experience, but is she likable? The other is likable, but does he have the experience? I only have one photograph in my hand. I will only call one name. The person whose name I do not call must immediately go back to the house, pack up and go home.

As you know, the winner receives a one-year contract for the hearts of the Democrats, millions of dollars in campaign donations, countless appearances on exciting Sunday-morning talk shows with celebrities such as George Stephanopoulos, and the burdens of the entire Democratic Party.

America’s Next Top Democratic Nominee -- right after this word from our sponsor.