Christies have a different take on relationship

It’s the oddest thing, the e-mail just keeps pouring in, and while I try to look at as many as I can, it’s embarrassing the way everyone just wants to say nice things about the column on the dead horse.

Some of the e-mailers went a little over the top in ridiculing the dead horse, and while I was shocked, I think it’s important everyone get their say.

Frankly, I thought some people might disagree with the column, but I’m flattered by all the praise. If there has been a dissenting opinion or two, I apologize if it has gotten lost in all the Page 2 tributes, and will try to be more observant.

But right now I think it’s time to get back to the crazy humans among us -- what with the arrival of the NBA’s so-called whacko couple, Doug and Jackie Christie.

Christie has signed on to be a Clipper for the next 10 days, which means he has brought along his wife, and by all previous accounts, she’s a load. She will be hopping aboard the team’s charter today to begin a seven-game trip, and while that might be news to the team, it was nothing compared to what I told Donald Sterling at halftime.

It seems no one mentioned, “The Christie’s Uncut,” a movie made by Doug and Jackie, starring Doug and Jackie. I caught a little bit of it earlier in the day and did my best to describe the opening scene to Sterling.

“OK, so there’s this white furry bunny on the bed,” I told Sterling, “and Doug is just in his underpants, a dog collar around his neck, and his wife -- dressed like a maid who has more on her mind than making the bed -- is pulling Doug by a dog leash and repeatedly whipping him, while he’s yelling, ‘again, again, again.’ ”

I wonder if they’ll pop in the movie, 1,800 of which have already been sold for $19.95 each, on the team plane as it makes its way to Boston.

Then I explained to Sterling he ought to take a look at his newest acquisition at the start of the second half, who would be sitting on the bench.

“Watch him,” I explained. “Christie will take his right hand, tap his forehead, his nose, kiss his hand, drop it and then raise his left arm and hand, the hand with the “Infinite Love” tattoo on it, and then make a hook ‘em horn-like signal, telling his wife that he loves her.

“He did this 13 times in the first six minutes while sitting on the bench, and at that rate,” I told Sterling, “he’ll do it more than 100 times tonight, so at least his wife will be getting her money’s worth out of the guy.”

Sterling appeared bewildered -- more than usual.

“Is this all true?” he said, while turning to the team’s vice president of communications, and I think I know the next movie Sterling will be watching.

*

“I LOVE you,” Christie said, and apparently you don’t have to be holding a leash to get his attention.

“That’s what I’m telling my wife when I hold up my hand,” he said. “She used to put a fist to her forehead to remind me to drive, but I had to tell her I really needed to focus on the court rather than looking for her signal to drive to the basket.”

I’d guess most of us love our wives, and Valentine’s Day is coming up, which is a good chance to send a card. But I know this -- if I raised my arm and wiggled two fingers at my wife every few seconds -- she’d have security ask me to stop annoying her.

“I don’t care what people think,” Christie said. “I love my wife, and when basketball is over, I will have a wife that I love and I will go off into the sunset with her and my children.”

Basketball was over. Christie was done in 2005, and went on to make six episodes of the reality TV show, “Committed: The Christies.” If only Archie Bunker was still with us -- now that’d be a reality TV show -- Archie and the Christies spending time together.

*

“JOIN THE crowd,” said Jackie, when I referred to them as the whacko couple. “I appreciate everyone’s opinion and I’m not offended.”

Jackie has already purchased seats putting her opposite the Clippers bench so she can keep an eye on her husband, but as for those reports she won’t let female reporters interview him, “they’re not true,” she said.

Husband and wife arrived at Staples Center, and ran right into the Clippers cheerleaders who were working out. I know this, because I’m a paid observer.

I wondered if Doug noticed. “What would he be looking at?” Jackie asked. “I noticed them, but he was focused on playing a basketball game.”

Doug said, “I was conversing with my wife,” and so maybe he didn’t notice, or like the rest of us he has the ability to watch a TV show and at the same time make eye contact and make the wife believe we’re listening to every word she has to say.

*

CHRISTIE, THE former Pepperdine star who played briefly for the Lakers, said he’s dedicated to making this work with the Clippers. Jackie, meanwhile, came across nothing like her reputation on the Internet.

For the record, she said, she was ready to clobber Rick Fox with her handbag a few years back when she joined a fight between Fox and her husband, but she was held back before decking him.

“We know what people think of us, but we have a good sense of humor,” Jackie said. “Right now Doug is 100% basketball. And I’m 100% with that man down there on the court -- and would do anything for him.”

Good advice for any woman, I’d think, and I’ll pass it on to the wife when she starts talking to me again.

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TODAY’S LAST word comes in e-mail from Russ Nelson:

“Your column on Barbaro was the funniest you have ever written. You had my wife and I in tears. As a surgeon and former thoroughbred owner it is sad to see the horse put down, but nothing like losing a human life.”

Thanks for the nice words, but isn’t there anyone out there with an alternative point of view?

T.J. Simers can be reached at t.j.simers@latimes.com. To read previous columns by Simers, go to latimes.com/simers.