They’ll have something up their fire suit sleeves

THE CHEATERS are coming to town this week, so I wasn’t surprised when Gillian Zucker, president of California Speedway, said they’ve added two big-screen TVs around the track and improved the sight line to give 40,000 fans a better view of the race.

It’s pretty well understood now -- you take your eyes off these scoundrels for even a second, they’re gonna pull something sneaky. It’s gotten to the point that it’s like playing Madden football with the son-in-law.

There used to be a time when the biggest concern around the track was Tony Stewart eating another Twinkie and then not being able to climb back through the window of his car.

“Have you given any thought of adding a penalty box to the track?” I asked, what with six drivers this week getting caught cheating.

“No, but that’s a good idea,” said Zucker, who then stopped herself. “I better watch out, or I’m not going to be able to show my face around here next week.”

No reason she should be any different than NASCAR’s drivers, fire suits pulled over their heads to avoid having their pictures taken after making the perp walk back from the inspection station these days.

“My beautiful 9-year-old daughter asked her mom, ‘Why is Daddy cheating the rules?’ That will hurt you pretty bad,” said driver Michael Waltrip, who never did say if he went ahead and lied to the beautiful youngster.

Waltrip was accused of adding a little boost to his car’s fuel, and this week foxsports.com’s Ryan McGee wrote about Waltrip’s brother, Darrell, who got nabbed 31 years ago at Daytona for doing the same thing.

“Hidden within the fuel systems of both cars [A.J. Foyt and Darrell Waltrip],” wrote McGee, “were bottles of nitrous oxide or ‘funny gas.’ One quick pop of nitro into the air cleaner can mean a burst of up to 40 horsepower. It’s a jolt that doesn’t last long, but is certainly enough to knock a couple of big chunks off the stopwatch during a qualifying lap.”

Foyt and Waltrip had their cars disqualified, but Michael Waltrip got the chance to qualify again in a different car for today’s race.

I’m sure Coca-Cola, NAPA Auto Parts, Sunoco, Best Western and Toyota -- the sponsor emblems most easily identifiable on Waltrip’s fire suit -- were proud of the plucky little cheater for fighting his way back.

All this talk of cheating, Zucker said, “has piqued the interest in racing,” and while that’s something, I noticed she hasn’t asked Barry Bonds to announce, “Gentlemen, start your engines,” or Sammy Sosa to drop the corked green flag.

“Not everyone is cheating,” Zucker said -- what with only one-seventh of the starting field for today’s Daytona 500 being caught this week.

“Here’s the thing,” she said, “these guys are really role models in sports ...”

I was laughing so hard, I’m sorry to say, I was unable to write down anything else she had to say.

ZUCKER SAID fans will now have the chance to make teddy bears at the track and dress them in the clothes of their favorite driver. Don’t worry, I checked for you. “You can control the amount of stuffing,” Zucker said, just in case you want to load up and make the Stewart bear more lifelike.

THE CHEATERS will be arriving just as the Big Bores are leaving town.

When this last week began, the producers for the morning father/daughter gabfest with Uncle Fred called Toby Zwikel, the local publicity guy for the Nissan Open, and asked about getting someone on the air to promote the tournament. The only proviso: He had to find someone interesting.

The week ended, of course, without Zwikel providing anyone. I guess he couldn’t get in touch by telephone with Tiger Woods.

Take away Tiger, and the PGA has a tennis tournament feel to it.

Phil Mickelson standing on No. 18 with a driver in his hands and the chance to choke -- like a good pileup at the start of a NASCAR race -- is good TV. But the chase to see who is the second best player in the world doesn’t offer a lot of appeal.

I wonder, though, whom Mickelson is betting on to win the Daytona 500.

LAST YEAR I went to Riviera because Tiger showed up, and bumped into Brad Faxon. After they explained to me Faxon was a professional golfer, I ran my idea past him of allowing fans to cheer whenever they wanted -- to make the sport a little more interesting. Let’s see Mickelson pull the club back on No. 18 with everyone chanting, “We want Tiger, We want Tiger.” Now that’s entertainment.

Faxon had a cow. (Can’t remember the last time he had a birdie.)

I extended an invitation to revisit the discussion this year, but apparently he was still pouting, or packing. It’s just as well -- now that he’s missed his seventh consecutive cut, he’s probably the last golfer who wants to hear from any fans.

I WAS reading a story about an NBA All-Star game Friday night in Las Vegas that had Bow Wow sparking a rally for the West, which surprised me, because I had no idea the Clippers’ Tim Thomas had been invited to play.

PHIL JACKSON has been selected as a finalist for the Basketball Hall of Fame, and while he has to be a first-ballot lock, he will undoubtedly be joined by Kobe and Shaq someday. Then they’ll have no choice but to stay together.

THE SANTA Anita Kidd e-mailed asking the interesting question: “How could Timmy Hardaway say something so ignorant and then offer such an eloquently written apology?”

TODAY’S LAST word comes in e-mail from Damian C:

“I’ve been reading your Page 2 column for one year now and this is the first time I heard you defend Kobe. Thank you for showing him love and I appreciate you backing him up.”

I’ve always loved the Ball Hog -- except when he tanked.

*

T.J. Simers can be reached at t.j.simers@latimes.com. To read previous columns by Simers, go to latimes.com/simers.