The mother of all scams

SERIOUSLY, what did mothers ever do to deserve their own day? I mean, mothers? Of all people.

Sure, as Mother’s Day just reminded us, they do a lot. They cook, clean, nurture, suture, cauterize, clip, wipe, work, save, scrimp, comfort, soothe, forgive, inspire, organize, encourage, teach, implore and coddle. Most of them -- 99.9% at least -- selflessly watch after others who often take them for granted. So what? What do you want, a mother medal?

OK, which came first: the mother or the egg? I’d say the egg. But most people would say the mother. That’s right, everybody loves mothers. Even bad people love their mothers. Despots love their mothers. Total losers love their mothers. That’s because mothers probably have the world’s greatest lobbying campaign.

Yep, I smell some sort of giant public relations push behind all this fuss about mothers. Hey, Hallmark, enough already. I’ll bet there’s all sorts of viral marketing going on. I’ll bet press releases are being sent by the billions -- and not just around Mother’s Day.

“We’ve really got to sell these mothers,” PR execs are always telling their staffs. “Here’s the message: Mothers make the world go round!”

Yeah, right.

I have a strong hunch that Hollywood is behind this whole cult of motherhood. It’s just the sort of sentimental slop that Pixar might dive into, or that mother-loving Spielberg.

You know, I’ll bet a lot of those mothers in the movies -- even the ones you see in real life -- I’ll bet they’re not even real moms. Most moms are too good to be true anyway. I’ll bet they’re mostly impostors.

I can just see some big shot director on the set now, briefing the actresses:

“OK, you mothers, here’s the deal. You’re not mothers really; you’re superheroes. Everybody loves you. You fight evil at every opportunity. You save lives. You wipe boogers from bedroom walls. There’s nothing a mother can’t do. Got it? Ready -- and action.”

McDonald’s will soon get on board. Any day now they’ll be including little mothers in all their Happy Meals. Mattel will bring out a whole new line of mothers. Career mothers, stay-at-home mothers, demented in-your-face mothers. Take your pick. There’s a mother for almost everyone.

Mothers will be everywhere. The Nobel Committee will devote an entire prize to mothers. Mothers will get their own freeway lanes.

Simon Fuller will produce a mother-related reality show, “American Mother,” in which mothers from all over the nation will compete for the right to represent moms everywhere.

You want reality? I’ll give you reality. First, mothers are a bunch of manipulators. From the time we are born, they are holding us, caring for us, making us feel better about ourselves. Who needs that? Back off, moms. How come you get to corner the market on unconditional love?

Second, from the time we can walk, moms are teaching us all sorts of crazy stuff. How to blow and floss and brush and flush. Do you have any idea how weird those particular activities are? Is half that stuff even necessary?

Oh, and how about all that stuff they teach us about speaking politely on the phone? Honestly, do you really think anybody ever got ahead in L.A. by speaking politely on the phone? That’s so last century. Hey, Mom, get out of my way. I’m trying to earn a buck here.

On Sunday, my own kids held this big party for their mother. There were grocery-store flowers and boxes of dark chocolate. You’d think it was a holiday or something.

They took her for lunch, then for a pedicure -- all 10 toes. Like, she needed more pampering, this woman. This kind of stuff lasted, I am not kidding, the entire day.

Later, for instance, the kids made her dinner and even helped clean up afterward. Our kids? Cleaning up? One took out the garbage without being hounded. That’s the power of motherhood right there.

Meanwhile, their mom just sat on the couch the whole day like ... like ... well, like me.

Honestly, is that the sort of person you want to celebrate?

These mothers, they’re up to something. Don’t say you weren’t warned.

Chris Erskine can be reached at chris.erskine@latimes.com. For more columns, see latimes.com/erskine.