You’ll like it here on the Best Coast, Joe

To: Joe Torre

From: The Welcome Wagon

Subject: Your new home,

Los Angeles

Sent: Nov. 8, 2007

DEAR JOE,

Let us be among the first to welcome you to Los Angeles, City of Cosmetically Enhanced Angels. You can probably sense the excitement about your arrival. Since we got the news, most of us have been too thrilled to actually eat. No kidding, the other day Kirstie Alley walked right past a Pizza Hut.

You’ve been in New York so long that we wanted to reintroduce you to the Best Coast. Remember the snow and slush of New York winters? You won’t have to worry about that anymore. All you have to deal with out here is the occasional social chill and consistently disappointing Italian food.

JT, you’ve come to the right town. In Los Angeles, we pride ourselves on instantaneous friendship. The entire entertainment industry is based on quick kinship. It’s not presumptuous, it’s just good business. By the way, did we mention that you’re watching Britney’s kids on Tuesdays and Thursdays? Hope they’re not too much trouble. Maybe Mattingly can give you a hand.

Anyway, once the landscape quits burning and the crud clears, we think you’ll really like it out here. In fact, your timing could hardly be better.

For instance, you can finally get USC tickets (they’re free now). And the housing market seems to have totally tanked, which is good news for you. A midcentury matchbox with major road noise now goes for under a million. It comes with a wife and two cars. If you negotiate hard, they’ll throw in NBC.

Let’s see, what else will you need to know about our little town? Oh, here’s some good news: Charlie Manson’s still in jail. He may soon be joined by one of the local sheriffs.

Here’s the bad news: All the other creeps are pretty much running free. Simpson, Blake, Spector. In L.A., you can’t get 12 jurors to agree on lunch, let alone a guilty verdict. You’re probably used to a place where they put bad people away. Here, we celebrate our bad people. It’s better for their self-esteem.

Like most New York transplants, the first thing you’ll probably need to buy is a car. After that, getting around your new home shouldn’t be a problem, due to our advanced, easy-to-use freeway system. You may find downtown sort of confusing at first. “How do I get to Grand?” is almost a mantra. In case someone asks, the answer is that you can’t. Grand Avenue is accessible only by blimp.

Also be aware that the area around Westwood has been gridlocked since 1998, and the Saturday night traffic in Hollywood may as well be fossilized.

A lot of newcomers prefer the Pasadena area, for the leafy streets and relatively low number of cross-dressing celebrities. On New Year’s, they stage a nice little flower show.

As you can tell, there is always plenty to do here. Did I mention that we have some very nice Rotary clubs and the Lions meet weekly down by the church? If you’re looking for camaraderie, the morning Kiwanis meetings can be a real hoot. They put out bagels and coffee, and sometimes Phyllis brings her incredible crumb cake.

At heart, Los Angeles is just a small town with a lot of beloved yet chemically imbalanced mega-stars.

Listen, once you get settled, I was wondering if you’d stop by and give my little soccer team a pep talk. I told them you might be by, and they’re really excited. One kid quit counting his moles and freckles long enough to look up and smirk.

Seriously, it’s been a troubling season for the little guys. Last Saturday, their performance was so bad that I resigned at halftime. In the third quarter I was reinstated, then fired again when the game ended. Is that what working for Steinbrenner was like?

Point is, this gutty little soccer team is in total disarray and could use your leadership. Indeed, working with 4-year-olds should be excellent preparation for managing Matt Kemp.

OK, that’s about it. The message we really want to get across is that we welcome you with open arms. Please believe us when we tell you that we LOVE-LOVE-LOVE that you’re finally here. You’re the best thing to happen to this place since psychotropic drugs.

So, from East L.A. to Topanga, be assured that you’ll have our unconditional allegiance and support. Unless, of course, you flop like that idiot, Beckham. Then all bets are off, pal.

Love, the Welcome Wagon

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Chris Erskine can be reached at chris.erskine@latimes.com.

For more columns, see latimes.com/erskine.