THE GLUTTON

Why is it that when it comes to theme restaurants, there’s an inverse ratio between food and decor quality? Clifton’s Cafeteria -- with its redwood forest-gone-wild aesthetic and Depression-era bread line cuisine -- epitomizes the dilemma. The Glutton wants to believe. She yearns to be transported (preferably through a combination of tchotchkes and booze) to a better place -- a chipmunk tea party or a doomed sea vessel.

Joining Clifton’s at one end of the spectrum is Cafe Jack, a mini-ocean liner plunked in the back of a Koreatown lot. Themed like the Titanic (if the movie, not the ship, had collided with a Greenwich Village brownstone), its walls are decorated with images of Kate and Leo -- scant comfort as you sip $6 flavored teas that taste halfway between Robitussin and air freshener.

A few rungs up the ladder is Bahooka, a classic tiki joint where Polynesian knickknacks go to mate and die. It’s the ideal venue for sipping fruity libations with inscrutable names while bathing in the glow of more than 100 illuminated aquariums. As for the food, what’s most impressive is the portion size. But just up the road from Bahooka sits Clearman’s North Woods Inn. The kitschy naked lady paintings have mostly been replaced, but the exterior is still flocked with fake snow, the portions are still lumberjack-sized and the cheese bread is still heavy with an unknown but delicious dairy-esque product. In this case, a little less camp makes for better cuisine.

-- theguide@latimes.com