Don’t be afraid to dump stars

You drafted Andruw Jones, Robinson Cano and Jack Cust. You made an early season trade to get Alfonso Soriano, sending away Jonathan Papelbon after watching him struggle in Japan.

Congratulations. How does last place feel?

Don’t despair. Think of it this way: you’ve managed to draft worse than all of your half-wit friends. None of those yokels made quite as many poor picks as you did. That’s an accomplishment.

Not everyone was brave enough to choose Matt Morris (0-3, 9.15 ERA) as a staff ace.

Just you, and the Pittsburgh Pirates.

It’s early yet. And it takes a special kind of person with a real knack for ill-timed trades, worthless waiver-wire pickups and all-around questionable judgment to finish dead last in a fantasy league.

But don’t let that faze you. If last place is your goal, here are some surefire strategies to help you attain it.

Buy high, sell low

Sick of waiting for Troy Tulowitzki to hit his weight? Tired of endlessly monitoring Adam LaRoche to see when he’ll surpass .150? Here’s some advice: dump them. If you want to finish in last, drop your slumping hitters in April, or better yet, trade them for players of equal or lesser skills who are off to good starts.

Edgar Renteria (.341-3-14) has been much, much better than Tulowitzki (.167-1-10). If you want to miss out on Tulowitzki coming out of his slump, by all means trade him now for someone like Renteria. Ignore the fact that Tulo hit his first home run on April 23, didn’t hit his first homer last year until April 27, and was hitting .185 before that game. Disregard the eerily similar slow starts. Meanwhile, notice Renteria is on pace to hit 25 home runs. So what if his career high is 16?

LaRoche (.127-1-3) hit .133 last April and went on to hit a respectable .272 with nearly 90 RBIs. That means he hit .296 from May 1 on with strong run production. You wouldn’t want someone like that on your roster, would you?

Play waiver-wire roulette

Another brilliant idea if you want to lose is to get overly excited about marginal fantasy players available on the waiver wire. Psst. Have you noticed Ryan Ludwick (.358-4-12) is putting up All-Star numbers? If you have limited space on your bench, picking up Ludwick probably requires you to drop someone you drafted.

That someone could be Johnny Damon (.253-3-12) or Gary Matthews Jr. (.247-4-15). Here’s a plan: don’t take a moment to consider whether Ludwick is actually better than either of these guys (hint: he’s not). Just hit that release button, and enjoy Ludwick as his numbers inevitably head south. Let one of those owners who actually wants to win take Damon.

Drop possible closers

Want to kick yourself this summer? Rid yourself of possible closers sitting on your bench so that you can marginally improve a hitting position. Add Kaz Matsui and release Brian Fuentes, because Matsui may or may not be a slight improvement on Ryan Theriot at second base. That Fuentes guy, he’s not even a closer right now. No other smart owner is going to swoop him up in case Manny Corpas (4 blown saves in 8 chances) somehow loses the closer job. That would never happen!

This and that

Is this the year Phillies OF Pat Burrell (.351-8-23) finally puts it all together? He’s in a contract year, and so far, he’s been spectacular. Burrell has been even more unbelievable in the clutch (.529-2-14 with runners in scoring position). He’s always had holes in his swing and his strikeout rate remains high (17 in 74 at-bats), so his average is unlikely to stay sky high, but he’s a legitimate threat to his 40 homers. With all eyes on Cincinnati rookie Johnny Cueto, many haven’t noticed how good his teammate Edinson Volquez (3-0, 1.21 ERA) has been. He has 23 strikeouts in 22 1/3 innings, but his 13 walks are reason for concern. Be careful with your expectations.