Saving the Knicks is a tough task

The Creature That Ate the NBA . . .

At this point in New York Knicks history, all that remains is for Stephen King to write the book in which Madison Square Garden comes to life, swallows the fans (starting with Spike Lee), marches 20 blocks to 645 Fifth Ave. and devours the league office (starting with Commissioner David Stern.)

Actually, the Knicks have already damaged the NBA as much as a franchise could. They’re not just bad -- this season will make it one playoff appearance in seven years -- they’re a laughingstock with their scandals, tin-pot dictator repression and, worst of all, their indifference to what anyone thinks.

The hottest ticket in town in Pat Riley’s ‘90s heyday, they’re now a matter of supreme indifference -- as is their league -- in the place where the buzz starts.

At this point, you need a New Yorker to rip the Knicks, so I called Jerry Della Femina, the advertising maverick whose first book, “From the Friendly Folks Who Brought You Pearl Harbor,” was named for the suggestion he once threw out for a Panasonic campaign.

I told Mary Beth, his secretary, I wanted to talk about the Knicks.

“The Knicks?” she exclaimed. “Nobody in New York talks about the Knicks.”

I could have stopped there, but I interviewed her boss because he talks in metaphors.

“You know what’s sad?” said Della Femina. “People don’t even talk about how bad they are. Within the New York community, they’re like the idiot uncle. . . . I’m a sports fan and when I’m watching the news and they start talking about the Knicks, I turn it off. I don’t want to hear if they lost. I don’t want to hear if they won.”

The “idiot” isn’t actually an uncle but a son, James Dolan, whose father, Charles, runs corporate parent Cablevision and gave Jimmy MSG to play with.

Aside from the Knicks’ collapse, recent highlights of Jimmy’s seven years include firing former coach Larry Brown one year into a $55-million deal, waging a legal campaign in a vain attempt to void Brown’s contract, evicting the media covering the story from the practice site, Brown’s roadside interviews and the sexual harassment trial in which Jimmy was personally fined $3 million for firing Anucha Browne Sanders.

Stern didn’t penalize Dolan but did note wryly that the Knicks weren’t “a model of intelligent management.”

All but telling him to fly a kite, Jimmy responded airily, “We have high regard for the commissioner. Right now what we can all agree on is the best thing for the Knickerbockers is to get on the court and win some basketball games.”

As if.

The Knicks are 20-52 this season. Since Dolan gave Coach and President Isiah Thomas an extension last spring with the team No. 8 in the East, they’re 24-67.

“I know there are some that will worry that, ‘Oh, the pressure will be off,’ ” said Jimmy last spring, announcing the extension in the last press session he has had since.

“Don’t worry. This team will play just as hard as it did before this announcement.”

The Knicks then finished 4-15, dropping to No. 12.

Stern was the NBA counsel in the ‘80s when it all but took over the Cleveland franchise, imposing the “Stepien rule” that required owner Ted Stepien to get approval for trades.

Stepien got the hint and soon sold the team. Unfortunately, the league’s edict was totally extra legal.

With Jimmy as litigious as he is clueless, Stern confined himself to behind-the-scenes diplomacy, suggesting former Phoenix owner Jerry Colangelo as president. Unfortunately, Colangelo told enough people he would clean house for it to get back to Dolan, who likes to issue all the fiats around there.

Discreet as Stern was, Dolan was not only disinclined to listen, he reportedly fired a warning shot across the commissioner’s bow, threatening to form a group of owners and demand an audit of NBA finances.

Grinning and bearing it, Stern kept his rage to himself, even promising a Knicks turnaround in recent weeks.

Last week we found out why when Dolan offered the presidency to a lower-key Stern nominee, Indiana President Donnie Walsh, who reportedly accepted.

Old school, gregarious, straight-shooting and, just as important, a New Yorker, Walsh is just what the NBA’s Kremlin needs.

At the moment, if one of the influential local columnists such as the New York Daily News’ Mike Lupica or the New York Times’ Harvey Araton asks to sit down with David Lee for what would assuredly be a positive piece, the answer is no.

Players are only available in group sessions -- as public relations aides eavesdrop on all interviews, type them into BlackBerrys and send them to their boss, Barry Watkins.

The Daily News, which is newspaper non grata, is kept in the dark on everything, including announcements of news conferences, injuries and practice schedules.

Last week Mitch Lawrence, the paper’s NBA writer, was making the 60-minute drive to practice in Westchester County when he got a call from beat writer Frank Isola.

Isola had just been tipped that practice had been canceled -- which the Knicks wouldn’t even tell him -- and was able to tell Lawrence to turn around.

Let’s see: Paranoid, secretive, scandal-torn, incompetent and a screaming embarrassment for all concerned.

The NBA from Stern down is praying for Donnie Walsh.

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mark.heisler@latimes.com