THAT DUDE-ITUDE
Perhaps it’s a sign of the post-post-metrosexual backlash, but book publishers seem to be busier than ever cranking out “man-uals” to help modern men talk, act and fix things the way our forefathers once did (from, say, the 1920s through 1980). We’ve compared a few of the more recent offerings to cross our desk.
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Brocabulary: The New Man-i-festo of Dude Talk
By Daniel Maurer (Collins Living: $14.95)
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The Retrosexual Manual: How to Be a Real Man
By Dave Besley (Prion: $24.95)
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The Man Book: Booze, Boobs, and Baseball -- a Kick-Ass Guide
By Otto DeFay (St. Martin’s Griffin: $12.95)
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The Man’s Manual: Poker Secrets, Beer Lore, Waitress Hypnosis and Much, Much More!
By Gregg Stebben (Skyhorse Publishing: $12.95)
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WHO’S READING
Eighth-grade boys
Beer-swilling, emasculated rugby players in the U.K.
Sports fans who consistently win bar trivia contests
Aspiring Mr. Fix-Its -- there’s actually useful information in here.
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MAN-TRA
Lame puns = male bonding
The 1970s = the Golden Age of Man
Knowledge = power
Power tools = power
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MILDLY USEFUL
“Alcofall”: an injury that occurs due to excessive alcohol consumption
Urinal etiquette (if only to avoid getting beaten to a pulp in the men’s room by a drunken Retrosexual)
Ten things to say to ease the tension of your next prostate exam
How to clean a filthy fridge using a pickup truck and a carwash
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DON’T BOTHER
“The Disadvantages of Manties (Man Panties)”
Recipes for a Retrosexual. Sample: “Curry -- fry whatever you have and add some supermarket curry sauce.”
Chapter 1: “A Thousand Names for Your Penis”
How to grow a huge, disgusting ball-shaped belly
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IDOLS
Brody Jenner, Seth (B)rogen
Steve McQueen, Michael Caine as Alfie
Chuck Yeager, Wayne Gretzky
MacGyver, Ty Pennington
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UM, REALLY?
“Fellabrate” means “to celebrate with the fellas,” and “chilliards” is a game of billiards played for the purposes of “chilling with your bros.”
“Foreplay -- Get her to send a text when she’s ready. You’ll be down at the pub.”
Catwoman tops the list of “Hottest Animated Women” (beating out Jessica Rabbit -- probably just by a whisker).
Learning how to swallow a sword involves learning how to swallow something called a “guiding tube.”
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OBLIGATORY BEER REFERENCE
“Brewthanasia”: the killing of a beer.
“A retrosexual is permitted to drink the following beverages: beer, lager, whisky, vodka and a Bailey’s if someone has left it unfinished on the bar.”
Top beer-drinking countries -- the Czech Republic is No. 1.
Lite beers have fewer calories than regular beer, but they’ll get you just as drunk and just as quickly.
