Time to brush up on your plot twists

House

Wilson: It was an accident! It wasn’t House’s fault that you weren’t home and your girlfriend, Amber, had a soft side and wanted to rescue the drunken doc. It wasn’t House’s fault that she insisted on getting on the bus with him and it wasn’t House’s fault that she was taking some weird prescription drug that apparently you shouldn’t be taking when you’re about to be in a bus accident. Now, make up and be best friends again or they’re going to make Kutner and Taub the show’s new BFFs! Gross! (Chase and Cameron: Are you still on the show?)

Fox, 8 p.m., Tue.

Supernatural

Dean literally went to hell in a hand basket. We told him Lilith was a bad girl. The proof was her special death-ray hand, but boys will be boys. And now this boy is badly in need of some air conditioning. SAAAAAM!

CW, 9 p.m., Thu.

How I Met Your Mother

Barney violated the Bro Code by sleeping with Robin and for a few weeks lost his bro Ted. But then Ted was in a car accident and Barney was run over by a bus on the same day and they became bros again. This all happened in between the time Ted broke up with Stella and then proposed to Stella. Is Stella the mother? We don’t know, bro.

CBS, 8:30 p.m., Mon., Sept. 22

Heroes

We saw Niki blow up, but did she die? We saw Sylar kill Maya’s brother, Alejandro, and then kill her. Psych! She’s alive! Hiro buried Adam alive in Japan. We know he can live forever, but can he dig himself out of a hole? Noah / HRG, whatever you like to call him, also is un-dead and back at the Company. Claire is alive and in California, aware that the dad who raised her is alive and unaware that the dad who didn’t (Nathan) is probably not.

NBC, 9 p.m., Mon., Sept. 22

CSI: Miami

Horatio was shot before he had a chance to put on his shades, place his hands on his hips and step off-camera. We doubt he is dead, but we are sure he is angry, which is only going to make him whisper more.

CBS, 10 p.m., Mon., Sept. 22

Criminal Minds

An SUV blew up and we believe we have narrowed down which BAU agent exploded: Hotch was last seen entering an SUV, Reid was last seen entering an SUV, Morgan was last seen entering an SUV, Prentiss was last seen entering an SUV, JJ was last seen entering an SUV and Rossi was last seen entering an SUV. That was so easy.

CBS, 9 p.m., Wed., Sept. 24

Ugly Betty

To choose or not to choose: that is the question. Will Betty run off with Gio to Italy (our vote!) or move to Tucson with Henry and his baby mama? Or will Betty get rid of her braces and all this baggage and find a new cute boy to like? Daniel learned he too has a baby mama all the way in France. All sorts of mayhem ensued as Wilhelmina tried to become a baby mama. Gene Simmons lied to Amanda about her mom being his baby mama. Hilda, who is already a baby mama, didn’t want to become a mistress to a (hot) guy with a baby mama of his own.

ABC, 8 p.m., Thu., Sept. 25

The Office

Toby left Dunder Mifflin and we are bummed. Michael fell in love and in hate with Toby’s replacement, Holly. Thanks to Dwight, Holly thinks Kevin is mentally retarded and so do we. Once again, the Pam and Jim of it all plagues us. Will Pam go to art school? Will Jim ever propose now that Andy beat him to it and proposed to Angela first? Ryan got arrested for fraud and Dwight got Angela one last time. All in a day’s work.

NBC, 9 p.m., Thu., Sept. 25

Grey’s Anatomy

Gizzie is over. Thank God. Gallie is over. Thank God. Cristina is back to being a first-rate surgeon. Thank God. Izzie has something interesting to do: She’s in charge of the clinic. Thank God. Derek and Meredith have stopped doing the I-don’t-know dance. Thank God. Richard and Adele got back together. Thank God. Callie and Hahn both kissed a girl -- each other -- and liked it. Thank God.

ABC, 9 p.m., Thu., Sept. 25

Desperate Housewives

Fast-forwarding five years into the future has done a number on the youngest and prettiest Wisteria Lane resident, Gabrielle. Girlfriend is really frumpy! But as glamorous as she once was, apparently she is the only one who has not been introduced to the magic potion called Botox. The rest of the ladies remain hot and wrinkle-free in middle age. Susan inexplicably has gotten rid of Mike and has a new man, Bree has turned her muffins into a successful catering enterprise and Lynette is raising hoodlums.

ABC, 9 p.m., Sun., Sept. 28

Dexter

Sgt. Doakes exploded into smithereens and Lila tried to burn Dexter and Rita’s kids like a wildfire. Lila taught Dexter to love himself and then he did what all grateful lovers do: He stabbed her to death. At least they’ll always have Paris. Deb was promoted and her big brother is now an evolved killer, one who doesn’t need Daddy’s approval. Dexter, you complete me.

Showtime, 9 p.m., Sun., Sept. 28

Brothers & Sisters

Kevin and Scotty said “I do.” Uncle Saul said “I am.” DNA said “She’s not.” Wait. What? Rebecca is not a Walker? And I’ve been mad at dead Dad all this time? Oh wait. There’s more. Dead Dad was a dog. A dirty, dirty, dawg. There is another little Walker running around, which means there’s another baby mama! Go ahead, Justin. Drown your sorrows. Make out with your almost-sister. Kitty and Robert said “no” to drugs and “yes” to adoption. Which is great because Kitty won’t have to stop drinking wine.

ABC, 10 p.m., Sun., Sept. 28

Californication

For years and years, Karen waited for Hank to grow up. He never did. So she left him. She met Bill. She got engaged to Bill. She married Bill. And at the end of their wedding reception, she jumped in the car with Hank and their daughter, Becca, and fled the scene. Nice guys do finish last.

Showtime, 10 p.m., Sun., Sept. 28

Life

Twelve years spent wrongfully behind bars taught Charlie a Zen existence and landed him $50 million. This was supposed to help him let go, but instead Charlie eats a lot of fruit and strategizes in his very secret room. Now, Charlie has found the man who committed the murders that put him behind bars, but he knows he has not caught the puppet master. It looks like the man pulling the strings is Jack Reese, father of Dani Reese, Charlie’s partner. What would Buddha do?

NBC, 10 p.m., Mon., Sept. 29

Pushing Daisies

To forgive is a virtue, and so sweet Chuck is trying her hardest to forgive her boyfriend, Ned, for killing her father when they were children. Ned didn’t mean to kill him. His finger did it. Now Chuck, who is really dead but was brought back to life by the same finger, is lonely because she can’t visit her aunts to let them know she is alive because they can’t know about the piemaker’s magic finger. What Chuck doesn’t know is that one of her aunts is really her mom. But Olive does know.

ABC, 8 p.m., Wed., Oct. 1

Friday Night Lights

Smash got a little angry and there went his NFL career. Coach got a little angry and one of his eyes went black. Jason Street got confused when he learned he has a baby mama -- since he is paralyzed and all. Tim Riggins got his own Christian radio show to impress Lyla, who is dating a virgin but dreaming of getting some of that McTimmy. Tandry, bonded forever by murder, continued to date.

DirecTV, 9 p.m., Wed., Oct. 1

CSI

If Bob Marley would have had his way, Warrick would have shot the sheriff. Instead, the sheriff shot him. Deep. Is Warrick dead? Yeah, he is. And we’re moving on.

CBS, 9 p.m., Thu., Oct. 9

Brotherhood

Tommy lost his mistress (after Eileen demanded it) and the speaker’s chair (after Michael went on a shooting spree). Judge Fitzgerald was buried, bringing Rose and Colin closer together. Michael was shaken (and this is a guy who survived being kicked in the head) when Tommy revealed he knew about the hit man all along. I’m scared.

Showtime, time TBD, Sun., Nov. 2

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maria.elena.fernandez@latimes.com