No punch line this time, but if all goes well there’ll be a setup

I never got to pick the first son-in-law. The daughter just walked up and down the aisles of our neighborhood supermarket and found the Bagger on her own.

Who knew her idea of the perfect partner was someone wearing an apron and packing box cutters with the heady dream of one day maybe being a cashier?

As a result, I never got the chance to talk old movies with the guy, hear his thoughts on the DH or check out his sports allegiances. And this was the man who was going to father my grandchild.

Turns out, too, he was a lifelong Pittsburgh Steelers fan, a bowling ball with ears as I once described him, who thinks formal attire is an oversized Steelers jersey with Roethlisberger spelled across his back.

Later he would kidnap the daughter and grandchild, subject them to life in Arizona, and this week claim it was all good because Pittsburgh will now be playing Arizona in the Super Bowl.

But how would you feel as a grandfather hearing your grandchild tell everyone she’s been a Cardinals fan almost all her life?

The son-in-law has done this to our family, which explains in part why the other daughter remains unmarried. I could never find just the right guy for her and me.

If you heard some of her opinions in the brief time she was on the radio -- that would also explain why she remains unmarried.

NOW TO be honest, I’d given up on ever seeing her married, because after all she’s 32.

But then I heard about the remarkable good fortune of Sheron Bellio, a KLAC producer for Lakers broadcasts, who found a guy at the age of 41.

It was Mychal Thompson’s idea, says Mychal Thompson. Thompson, a Lakers analyst and also the star, according to Thompson, of the Loose Cannons, urged listeners on his radio show to put into writing the perfect date with Bellio.

Thompson also says the radio show has listeners, and while Bellio was trying to get over the news that Vic the Brick was already married, she agreed to make herself available if anyone was interested.

The show got 80 responses, the field narrowed to 16 and eventually to a winner, which suggests there are at least 79 losers still out there on the prowl. Best news the wife and I have had in a long time.

Bellio made her final pick from two selected finalists after they answered the following question: You have to decide between saving the life of your dog, which has been with you 10 years, or a stranger; whom do you save?

Tough question for the Loose Cannons audience, as you might imagine, one of the finalists going with the dog, as you might expect. The other took the human, which swept Bellio right off her feet.

He also happened to be the same guy she’d had her eyes on from the outset, and while she says, “I’ve learned it’s not the package but the soul you connect with -- John came in a really beautiful package.”

Bellio said she was worried some might consider her desperate. Did I mention she’s 41? But she said she wasn’t meeting anyone she liked out there, and this might be fun. Turns out the guy she picked said the same thing.

Six months later they remain together and Bellio says, “He’s the one.”

That’s now the rallying cry in our house: “He’s the one” to give us more grandchildren if only we can find one who can pass inspection, then show a willingness to go out on a date with the daughter before getting married.

If I need to throw in a pair of Angels tickets to sweeten the deal, I probably can do that too.

The last time we tried this, we found a nice young man who took the daughter to Los Alamitos Race Course in a limo with our entire family. For some reason it didn’t work out, although the family was willing to go out as often as necessary.

The purpose here is to find a really cool son-in-law who likes to golf, play poker and has an interest in giving us a large number of grandchildren -- keeping in mind the daughter is already 32 and running out of time. A long courtship probably won’t work, and Steelers fans need not apply.

Interested candidates should be employed, and e-mail t.j.simers@latimes.com, since I’ll be making the final selection. Interested candidates should also mention their favorite movies and teams, while also giving an idea of the perfect night out on the town with the prospective father-in-law. They should possess a sense of humor because they will also be spending time with her. She likes the Denver Broncos, Notre Dame and Tim Floyd. Now you understand why I’ll be making the final selection.

Candidates can include pictures, height and weight if trying to catch her fancy, although it’s pretty obvious at this point she’s in no position to be picky.

The winner automatically qualifies as No. 1 son-in-law while earning endless mentions on Page 2. It’d be nice if I could write about the Doctor or the Nuclear Physicist for a change.

Keep in mind Bellio insisted on meeting someone who was “genuine.” Breathing is really the only criterion here.

I will select two finalists, and each will go out to dinner with the kid and chaperons. Candidates are urged to set aside several hours because she likes to eat.

If there’s a second date, and I agree to go, then we’ll get a limo to go to dinner and a Lakers game. As I said, she likes to eat.

I know the folks who operate the kiss cam at Staples Center, so if I can ever get someone to take her out on a second date, I can really get things rolling.

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t.j.simers@latimes.com