A shot at the Philistines

“It is always the best policy to speak the truth -- unless, of course, you are an exceptionally good liar.”
-- Jerome K. Jerome (1859-1927)

The AMPTP took out a full-page ad in several major national newspapers the other day with the aim of, in their words, “setting the record straight.”

Cue oil dissolve:

Day: Thursday

Time: Biblical

INT. CONFERENCE ROOM -- DANIEL AND SONS PUBLIC RELATIONS -- DOWNTOWN SOCOH

Daniel and his sons -- Abner, Judah, Melchior and Kenneth -- rise to greet their biggest client, Goliath, champion of the Philistines, as he comes through the door. Goliath is a hairy mountain of a man, wild-eyed and murderous. Daniel claps him on the back warmly and guides him to a chair.

DANIEL: Goliath, great to see you! Mind the ceiling, big guy. Can we get you something to drink? Water? Coffee?

Goliath growls.

DANIEL: Black, two sugars, right?

Goliath growls.

DANIEL: Of course. (calling off) Miss Klein, a coffee for our favorite client!

A moan is heard from somewhere down on the floor.

DANIEL: Oh, there she is. I didn’t see her mashed between your toes. Miss Klein, run out and get Goliath a cup of coffee.

She moans softly, in great pain.

DANIEL: Yes, fine. You can go to the hospital after you get the java.

Miss Klein drags herself toward the door, weeping softly.

DANIEL: Goliath, we know you’re busy fighting the Israelites --

ABNER: Who isn’t?

Nudges and chuckles all around. Goliath stares.

DANIEL: But we thought it would be helpful to check in, exchange notes -- take the temperature of where we are in terms of the overhaul we’re doing on your image.

Goliath grunts, digs the hindquarters of an ox from his beard and begins devouring it noisily.

DANIEL: Kenny, how do we think the makeover is panning out?

Kenneth, slender and well-coiffed, goes to Goliath’s side, skillfully dodging the many flying bits of ox.

KENNETH: OK, lots of super feedback about the new look. The sweaters -- they’re working. People say they’re seeing a softer Goliath, a pipe and slippers Goliath. We lost the belt of human skulls --

Goliath growls.

KENNETH: Yes, Mr. Goliath, we all know you love your belt, but most people, females especially, found it off-putting. Now, can we talk about the hair? I was hoping to get more of a feathered look. Let me show you.

Kenneth stands behind Goliath and pulls his bangs back to illustrate. Goliath, in one quick, violent move, tears Kenneth’s head from his body and drinks the blood that pours from his ragged neck. A long pause as the other men take this in.

DANIEL: So -- cancel the coffee?

A moan is heard from over near the door.

DANIEL: You’re still here, Miss Klein? (She whispers faintly) Oh, please! No one wants to hear about your broken legs! Look at Kenny with no head. You don’t hear him whining. (to Judah) How are we doing with the community involvement angle?

JUDAH: Well, Pop, sad to report we hit a snag right out of the gate. We wanted to go the caring and compassionate route, so we arranged to have Goliath read to some blind kids.

DANIEL: And the snag?

JUDAH: He can’t read. And he stepped on some of the kids. And then he ate some.

DANIEL: We can spin that. Blind kids -- they’re always underfoot. Who hasn’t stepped on one?

JUDAH: What about eating them?

Goliath, in a sudden rage, jabs his fist into Judah’s chest, pulls his heart out and squashes it between his thick, meaty fingers.

JUDAH: Hey, is that my -- ?

He dies.

DANIEL: (peeved) OK, Goliath, if killing two of my sons makes you feel like a big man, you go right ahead. I’ve got 17 more just like them at home. But Moses’ whiskers, man! This is exactly the kind of shenanigans we’re trying to steer clear of. Now, we can take ads in all the local papers and talk trash about Saul and the Israelites from here to next Tuesday, but it won’t mean bupkis unless you start meeting us halfway!

Goliath growls.

DANIEL: Forget the coffee! Don’t change the subject. The boys and I have talked, and we feel, at this stage of the game, we can’t turn things around without a very public show of goodwill. So here’s the skinny. The Israelites have this kid -- (to Abner) -- what’s his name?

ABNER: David.

DANIEL: Little guy, probably weighs all of eight pounds. This nut job wants to fight you, which, let’s face it, isn’t going to help our cause since you’ll be picking your teeth with his bones in jigtime. So what we want you to do -- to show you’re an OK joe -- let the kid take the first punch.

Goliath glares.

DANIEL: Give him one shot. That way we can say he was the aggressor. You’ll come out smelling like a rose. What do you say?

Goliath glares, then nods, slumps and sighs wearily.

DANIEL: You’re a mensch.

Daniel slips an arm around Goliath’s knee and walks him to the door.

DANIEL: Remember, his name’s David. Go to the battleground right now and call him out, then check back with us later and let us know how it went. (pointing down to the floor) Watch out for Miss Klein.

Goliath exits, stepping on Miss Klein as he does so and breaking her spine in several places. When the giant is gone, Daniel turns to his remaining sons, exhales heavily and makes a show of mopping his brow.

DANIEL: You get the kid the slingshot?

MELCHIOR: Yeah. You think he’ll actually pull it off?

DANIEL: Who knows? But if he does -- it’ll make a hell of a story.