The Spice Girls are reportedly gearing up for a reunion tour next year, but will be performing without a pivotal member of their squad: Posh Spice.
On Sunday, the Sun reported that the ’90s girl group would be launching a 13-date U.K. tour in 2019, but that Victoria Beckham — a.k.a. Posh — would not be partaking in the festivities.
What the heck, women? How can you call it a reunion if you can’t get all the members of the spice rack back together?
Don’t get me wrong, I’m sure that collectively Emma Bunton (Baby), Melanie Brown (Scary), Melanie Chisolm (Sporty) and Geri Halwell (Ginger) will put on a stellar show full of sparkle and sizzle and, yes, spice, but what kind of reconciliation garners only 80% girl power?
To give you an idea of how potentially underwhelming the tour could be, see how interested you’d be in these “reunions.”
The White Stripes
Jack White and Meg White – better known as the White Stripes – officially broke up the band in 2011. During the band’s heyday, Jack was responsible for songwriting, guitar, mandolin and piano, while Meg took care of drums. The pair shared vocal duties.
The Spice Girls reunion will be like Meg launching a White Stripes reunion tour, minus one stripe. Just Meg and her drums. Who wants that? No one.
“That’s not fair,” you say. “John Lennon and George Harrison are dead.”
Yes, exactly. That’s why we’ll never see it: because it’s a ridiculous idea. Do you want to pay $250 to see Ringo Starr and Paul McCartney noodle around for 90 minutes and call it a Beatles reunion? Of course not. Nobody wants to see that.
Plus who are we kidding — tickets would be way more than $250.
I’ll admit I’m a little out of my depth with this one, but imagine if the boy band that captured the hearts of prepubescent girls worldwide announced they were reuniting for a tour, but then said that one of them wouldn’t be joining the rest.
Anyway, people would be pretty disappointed by that.
Especially if it were the pretty one who was missing. I think his name is Harry? The one in “Dunkirk” where you’re like, “Oh, hey, it’s that guy. He’s not bad. He’s nowhere near as distracting as Ed Sheeran on ‘Game of Thrones.’ ”
It wouldn’t fly.
No disrespect to Michelle Williams and Kelly Rowland, but if Destiny’s Child announced a reunion tour without Beyoncé “Queen of Literally Everything” Knowles, people would lose their minds.
It’s always great when the crew gets back together, as they did at the 2013 Super Bowl or this year’s Coachella Valley Music and Arts Festival.
But do not play around with trying to relaunch “Bootylicious” without Beyoncé. It would be pandemonium. Cities would crumble. A Destiny’s Child divided against itself cannot stand.
Let us never speak of this again.
I mean, really, no one’s suggesting Fleetwood Mac reunite without Lindsey Buckingham. Wait. Never mind.
The point is that as tempting as it may seem to have a Spice Girls reunion, there’s no reason to return to that particular well of nostalgia if you can’t get the entire crew back onboard.