'Bachelorette' recap: Chris woos Des with his atrocious poetry

By Amy Kaufman

July 9, 2013 12 AM PT

Emily Dickinson. e.e. Cummings. Walt Whitman.

Dear “Bachelorette” contestants: These are just a handful of the hundreds of legendary poets who did not employ rhymes in their work.

That’s right -- you can write a poem WITHOUT rhyming. I know this will come as a shock to some of you -- particularly Chris, who seems intent on courting Des almost entirely via poetry.

After weeks of showering our leading lady with flowery verses, Chris dropped his “Magna Carta Holy Grail,” as Jay-Z would say, on Monday night’s episode. It was titled “Individually Defined.”

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Let me just be clear: If Ryan Gosling wrote a poem called “Individually Defined” and then recited it to me aloud, I would still run from the room while laughing and crying.

But Des did not share my sentiments. No. No, she did not. In fact, she nearly burst into tears upon hearing Chris’ ditty, which went a little something -- nay, exactly -- like this: “I look forward to the unknown / Appreciate your emotion you have shown / And I am also hopeful to see / If in your heart I have found a home.”

OK, I’ll give him credit for that last line. Not bad. Could be a line from a Mumford &d; Sons song, but I’ll let it slide. Still, certainly not worth the reaction it inspired in Des, who nearly asked Chris Harrison to bump up the fantasy suite date a couple of weeks.

“You melted my heart -- in a good way,” Des said, her eyes twinkling with tears. She was at dinner with Chris on Portugal’s Madeira Island, where she and Robert Frost had spent the day “chillin’ boat-style, drinking some vino.” Chris’ words there, not mine.

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The boat ride had been filled with kissing and poetry. Joint poetry, in fact. Des, herself a true literary star, kicked things off by suggesting this first line:

“Experiences we share together...”

“...keep the memories close to heart?” Chris suggested.

“I like it!” she replied enthusiastically. Which is an interesting response. Because what exactly do those sentences mean?

Anyway, I’m pretty sure Des and Chris are going to end up together and write a book of poetry that will never, ever be published. She seems totally smitten with him, and the fact that he was the first to drop the l-bomb -- albeit through poetry -- is big.

The way in which Des described her remaining suitors to her “friends” who came to visit her in Portugal was telling, as well. That’s right -- the show flew in three of Des’ closest bosom buddies from Sean’s season, Jackie, Lesley and Catherine, to talk to Des for about an hour by the pool. That’s a pretty sweet deal, especially for Jackie, who I definitely don’t remember whatsoever from “The Bachelor” at this point.

Anyway, Des told her BFFs that Chris is “supportive without having to say anything,” while Brooks is “such a positive person” and Drew is “the best kisser.” (I’m leaving out the other two dudes, because these are obviously the final three.) Judging by those descriptions, I’d say Chris and Drew are her front-runners. She’s obviously crazily attracted to Drew, and that has clouded the vision of many a Bachelor/ette past. And would the first word you choose to describe your future husband to your friends really be “positive”?

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Oh, but those sneaky producers. Trying to convince us that Brooks will be her man. Don’t get me wrong -- their date was good, but mostly because it was visually stunning. The two drove up to the top of Madeira Island and literally had a picnic as clouds drifted by. Yes -- they obviously said they were on “cloud nine” about 3,000 times.

But Des -- whom host Chris Harrison would later remind us had never been to Europe before the show -- seemed more excited about the exotic location than the man beside her. At least she was showing some emotion -- telling Brooks that in terms of skipping, jogging or running to the finish line of love with him, she was already running.

“I’m a little bit behind in my emotional process,” he confessed to the camera later. Which was at least honest. I mean, can this dude muster up some energy? Perhaps bring his voice above a monotone while on a date? I can only stare at his beautiful hair for so long!

While I thought Des had far more chemistry with dudes on other dates, at the end of the episode she told Chris Harrison that she’s “hit the finish line” with Brooks. And then she started tearing up. Which made me feel weird! Does she love him so much that she can’t handle it and is crying? Or does she know her feelings can’t go any further and feels bad because she likes other guys more?

I’m unclear, but I found it suspicious that the editors included her gushing about Brooks and no other dude. Don’t try to play me like that. Mama ain’t no fool.

Blah, so what else happened? Michael -- who had somehow made it this far without having a one-on-one date -- finally got his time with Des. It was boring. He revealed that his dad stinks because he wouldn’t help his mom pay for his Type 1 diabetes healthcare. His ex also cheated on him with another dude from a mountaintop in Vail. Then when Des kicked him off, he called his mom from the limo while choking back tears. Sorry about your life, dude.

There was also a two-on-one date with Drew and Chris, where the group went go-karting. The track was, uh, lacking for scenery. ICYMI, the producers placed a coveted rose atop a napkin, which was resting on a rubber go-kart tire. Super pretty.

Zak beat Mr. Hair Gel in the race and so he got a few minutes alone with Des first, during which he showed her a sketchbook filled with drawings he done depicting his dates with Des. There were like two drawings, because that’s how much time they’ve spent together. The pictures weren’t good, but they also weren’t as bad as Chris’ poetry, so let’s call it a draw.

Unfortunately for Zak, he had nothing on Drew, whom Des was literally falling all over. He told her he’d fallen in love with her and was eager to bring her to his hometown, where he would introduce her to his mentally handicapped sister. I’m wondering if the personal nature of this subject has something to do with why Drew seemingly opts out of the show in the few weeks?

Yes, that season promo from last week is still haunting me. HOW WILL IT ALL END? Why watch if everything is just going to blow up in a few weeks? A silly question, I know / As if I could ever leave you / My fair show.

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