Another week, another episode that kicks off with a shirtless shot of Sean.
I mean, this is getting just a TAD extreme, guys. Sure, he has a fantastic body. And maybe the footage of him showering shirtless wasn’t totally preposterous because, hey, we do all shower shirtless. But cooking shirtless in his faux, hyper-modern “Bachelor” pad? That’s a bit of a stretch. Let’s get a little more creative next week producers, shall we?
Selma, a.k.a. Ashley Greene, gets the first date with Sean. And in continuation of the there’s-no-way-in-hell-I’d-do-this-if-I-weren’t-on-TV-theme, the date takes place in the 110-degree heat of Joshua Tree National Park.
“You took the Iraqi to a desert,” says Selma, eyeing the sandy, cactus-filled landscape.
Since he’s already rappelled down the side of a downtown L.A. high rise, Mr. Extreme Sports thinks it’d be a good idea to take one of the more “glamorous” girls in the house rock climbing. And we’re not talking some indoor climbing wall here, folks. This is the real deal -- a steep incline that requires some serious physical acumen.
Selma handles the whole thing far better than I would -- complaining a bit as she got going but eventually hauling her tiny 110-pound butt up the side of that rock. Yes, she does weigh 110 pounds, because she told Sean. We get it, sweetie, you’re in, like, insanely good shape. But who drops the lbs. reveal on a first date? Awk.
Anyway, after making it to the top, the pair head off to Hicksville -- this motel in Joshua Tree that’s actually pretty cool, where a handful of Airstream trailers are tricked out with different themes. The pair start talking and Selma is literally all over Sean, draping her body across his lap and leaving her face only a couple of inches from his. Despite her apparent sexual forwardness, Selma reveals that she grew up in a very strict Arabic home, and her mom is not pleased that her daughter has decided to go on a show where a guy spends three nights in a row with three different women in a “fantasy suite.”
“If I were to kiss someone on national television, I think my mom would have a heart attack,” Selma explains, staring up at Sean with bedroom eyes.
OK, a few things about this. Do we really think that Sean is going to propose to someone he hasn’t even KISSED? Doubtful. I’m also doubtful that Selma is going to stick to her word in a couple of weeks if the two are on some romantic tropical island together half-naked. But also, isn’t it possible that Selma’s religious background could prove to be a serious issue? From what I can tell, Sean is a conservative Christian, and I feel like he might want to raise his kids in his faith, etc.
Alrighty, enough with the sap, let’s go on another unnecessarily aggressive date. How about roller derby!?!? You know, that sport where chicks ride around a rink and elbow/shove one another out of the way to get to the front of the pack? Sounds fun!
As usual, there are 3 zillion girls on the group date, but Sean has also invited Sarah -- the woman who had one of her arms amputated at the elbow at birth. I mean, am I wrong in thinking this was not the best date to take her on? As Sarah says herself, her “body works in different ways,” and she “doesn’t have great balance.” Within moments of practicing for the competition, she’s struggling with the activity and starts crying.
“You don’t need to do this, but I think you can do it,” Sean says, attempting to give her a pep talk. I mean, I get that he was trying to be sweet and all, but who is he to say that she even wants to do this? Why is this some obstacle she has to overcome to prove her worth?
Before the conversation can get much further, there’s a girl down -- Amanda, who bites it and falls flat on her face. It’s possible she’s broken her jaw, so she heads off to the hospital and Sean realizes it might be a good idea to call off this whole roller derby idea. Free skate to Steve Perry’s “Foolish Hearts!”
Cut to the evening portion of the date, where everyone heads to a hotel to get wasted and fight with one another. Tierra -- or as some of the other girls have begun calling her, Tierrable -- is upset because she doesn’t think the other ladies are being nice to her. She doesn’t like the environment! She’s being tortured! She doesn’t trust anybody! She doesn’t want to be here! And where is Sean?
Oh, he’s about to get into the hot tub with Lindsay? No worries. Tierra will just wait, hunched in a dark corner crying, and sneak attack Sean when he walks out the door to the hot tub.
Instead of finding the stunt creepy and desperate, Sean immediately begins reassuring Tierra that he’s thinking about her even when he’s almost-kissing-but-not-kissing Selma, or in the hot tub with Lindsay.
“You know what I know?” Sean says, a coy smile popping up on his face. “You like me, and you want to spend more time with me. And how do I know? I can tell by the way you look at me.”
SHOW OFF: ‘Mrs. Eastwood & Company’ vs. ‘Keeping Up With the Kardashians’
Oh no you did-unt, Sean! Impressive lady skillz, there. Suffice it to say, Tierra’s stunt works -- he even gives her the group date rose -- and she’ll be sticking around for a few more weeks.
The final one-on-one date goes to to Leslie, who gets a “Pretty Woman”-themed outing sans, you know, the whole hooker part of the movie. Sean picks her up in an Aston Martin and the two jet off to Rodeo Drive, where Leslie is told she can pick out a fancy dress to wear for the evening from Badgley Mischka. Dude, I’m sorry, but Badgley? If I was on Rodeo, I’d be like, “Hey, Sean? Mind if we just pop over to Chanel? How about Gucci? No? We’re stuck with these hideously over-bedazzled gowns here? Alrighty then.”
“I’m a tan Julia Roberts!” exclaims Leslie, who is African American.
Off to Neil Lane, where Leslie is given a ridiculously expensive diamond collar that completely clashes with her fake diamond-covered dress. The pair head to dinner and Leslie barely gets through the story of how her parents got divorced and how she’s the girl all her exes dated before getting married before Sean tells her he’s just not that into her. So he walks her to the limo and literally takes back the Neil Lane jewels before she gets in. Hey, that stuff is insured, can’t risk her wearing it for an extra minute, right?
In fact, Sean sent Leslie home so early that they never even got to the private-concert portion of the evening. So the night’s act -- Ben Taylor, son of James Taylor and Carly Simon -- is forced to play in a lofty hotel lobby for a dejected looking Sean, as he dramatically tosses Leslie’s rose over a balcony in slo-mo.
The only other woman to get sent home this week is Amanda. She nearly breaks her jaw and then has to peace out? Tough.
I wish Sean had kicked some others off, because I’m not gonna lie, these early episodes are difficult to get through. The fake drama. The lack of any semblance of a connection. The over-the-top dates that barely require any discussion. Get me to an exotic island already! I’m hopeful for next week, though. Did you guys see the preview? A two-night special?!? Another ambulance? That’s what I’m talking about.