On Monday, the ladies of “The Bachelor” mansion embarked on “a worldwide journey to find love with Sean” -- one that began in … Montana.
Yeah, the remaining 11 women didn’t seem overjoyed when Chris Harrison told them their first stop on this little love tour would be Big Sky Country. But hey, they’ve been trapped in Agoura Hills for two weeks without TV or Internet, so they should take what they can get.
“It’s so exciting to smell the fresh air,” Selma said upon arrival at The Lodge at Whitefish Lake, hundreds of miles away from the lovely perfume-spray tan aroma of the famous mansh.
Lindsay -- a.k.a. the girl who showed up night one in a wedding dress and proceeded to get bombed -- got the first one-on-one date. Sean took her via helicopter to the Blackfeet Indian Reservation, where the two sat down for a relaxing picnic in a scenic field.
“I’m so glad you’re outdoorsy,” he told her.
Dude, if eating cheese and crackers on a fleece blanket is outdoorsy, then I’m Bear Grylls.
We learned that Lindsay was an Army brat, and psychologist Sean infers after learning this that “it makes sense why” she wants “to settle down.”
Later, off of K2, Sean led Lindsay to a surprise concert in a square from Sarah Darling! (Yeah, never heard of her, either.) The two danced intimately while staring into one another’s eyes.
“The first night,” Sean told her, “I thought you were just a crazy girl in a wedding dress.”
“And I thought,” she replied, “That you were just a crazy guy in a tie.”
Yeah, no, that’s not the same thing. Dude, I’m sorry, but this girl seems dumb as rocks. She needs to go.
Group date time! And more wide open spaces. (Dixie Chicks reference -- you’ve got to.) Sean set up a lovely obstacle course for the ladies, with tumbleweeds blowing nearby and animals roaming about.
“Are those dogs?” one girl asked, staring at goats.
The women had to do a series of cheesy “outdoorsy” activities, like canoeing and sawing a log and then -- gulp -- chugging goat’s milk. Chris Harrison magically turned into “Survivor” host Jeff Probst, narrating the events as if they were the Olympics.
“The blue team is dragging their hay! This is the red team’s opportunity to catch up!” he shouted.
Like a champ, Desiree took down the goat’s milk and won the challenge for the blue team, despite their hay-dragging. But noooo. Sean couldn’t just let the winners revel in their glory. He felt “bad” for the red team and ended up inviting them on the group date as well. If I were Dez, I would have been like, “Kay, I just drank goat milk, so these ladies need to see themselves to the door.”
Meanwhile, Tierra -- who was back at the hotel with Jackie, where the pair was awaiting their dreaded two-on-one date -- was annoyed that nearly everyone was spending time with Sean. So she inexplicably put on one of the flannel shirts the girls wore during the challenge and decided to show up on the group date. Sean was filming one of his little interview sessions with a producer when Creepster McGee walked up behind him and put her hands over his eyes to surprise him.
“This is so bold for me,” she explained, saying she really needed to see the guy she was dating. After a lame talk outside, Tierra retreated to her hotel and Sean concluded that he “didn’t know what to make” of the fact that she came out to meet him. Whoop-de-doo.
Then it was the time of night where a girl started to cry because she felt like everyone else had a connection with Sean but her. This time around, it was Daniella. And annoyingly, instead of being irked by yet another over-emotional girl, Sean totally took the bait.
“Don’t be sorry!” he said of her unnecessary crying. “You’re so sweet! I know I love being with you. I always have fun with you.”
Um, maybe because all your relationship consists of is making out? Blah! And then Sean gave her the rose! I mean, again: Dez! The goat milk! Hello, people. It was fresh out da’ udder.
Before I knew it, it was Tierra time again. She and Jackie started out their two-on-one battle to the death by going on a lovely horse ride with Sean. Though it was really more of an outing for Tierra and Sean, since poor Jackie’s horse wouldn’t giddyup and was like a mile behind the pair.
Realizing she was behind -- yes, I went there -- with Sean, Jackie decided the only way to upstage Tierra was by dishing some dirt about her to the Bach.
“When there was a cute guy around at the airport, she made a comment,” she told Sean, who basically had no reaction.
“She was flirting with him! And said he was definitely cute.”
Fail. Sean didn’t care ‘bout no innocent flirting because he was blinded by love, gurl.
Plus, Tierra dropped her super-emotional backstory about how her ex-boyfriend was in and out of rehab for years and then eventually passed away. You can’t top that, Jackie.
Sean returned to the dinner table after his discush with Tierra, ready to send Jackie packing.
“Did you eat your fish?” he asked. So polite, this Sean. Wouldn’t want to kick a lady off a reality show unless she’d finished her meal first!
When the ladies back at the Lodge realize that Tierra is staying around, suffice it to say, they are not pleased. How do I know this? Because the producers zoomed in on a shot of a stuffed wolf about to kill a stuffed turkey that was on display in the lodge. Taxidermy metaphors!
“He gives roses to the girls that are having a tough time,” Desiree lamented. So true, girl. Step your crying game up stat!
The ladies corner Tierra and say she’s different around Sean than she is around them. Which is true. She goes and dramatically sits alone by the fireplace instead of chatting with the ladies. But I mean, that’s her prerogative, no? If they hate her so much, shouldn’t they be glad they don’t have to make small talk with her?
In any event, Tierra did not take kindly to being confronted. And Sean just happened to walk by right at the moment she is “getting heated,” as she puts it.
Eager to get to the bottom of things, Detective Sean asked Lesley if there is anything he should know about Tierra that affects him directly. She struggled for an answer, basically implying that Tierra isn’t fun to be around, and you don’t want to marry the girl that everyone hates.
In a blatant repeat of Ben and Courtney, however, Sean didn’t heed her warning. What is up with these dudes? Forget specifics. You don’t want to be with the mean girl that every girl hates! It just never works out!
It seems Tierra will continue to stir up trouble on the second night of the special two! night! “Bachelor”! event on Tuesday evening. She goes in cold water and gets really cold and then her mascara runs and she has to have an oxygen tube stuck up her nose! Dramz.