Is anyone out there enjoying this season of “The Bachelorette”?
Because I am not. In fact, I am finding it downright difficult to tolerate. I haven’t found any guys to root for yet. The cheesy dates aren’t funny or romantic or redeeming in any way.
And Des? What of our Katie Holmes lookalike? I mean, she’s fine. I guess. She’s cute and happy and doesn’t have veneers. But there doesn’t seem to be much there there.
Like Monday night, right? Only three episodes in, we had the potential for some real drama. Turns out that Brian -- the financial advisor from Maryland who had yet to make any real waves on the show -- still had a girlfriend back home. Or so said Stephanie, the woman who came storming through the house ready to expose Brian for the traitorous pig he was.
P.S. guys: I didn’t realize Olivia Munn ever dated Jake Johnson! I mean, really. These two may not have a future as a couple, but I feel like they could make a few bills doing celebrity impersonations in Vegas or something.
Anyway, so Jake sees Olivia and he’s all, “Oh, geez,” and smiles sheepishly, a telling “This girl cray!” look in his eyes. Turns out, Jake never told Olivia he was coming on the show. He told her he was going on a business trip to California and needed time to himself. Also, he slept with her two days before departing. Oh, and he totally abandoned her son, Donovan, who looks up to him.
Jake, meanwhile, had a different side of the story. He said he and Olivia had long had a rocky, toxic relationship, and she once threw rocks at his face. Which she copped to. And that is amazing.
So, yes. Perhaps Jake was really over Olivia and was tired of removing pebbles from his cheeks. But what about Donovan? Poor, innocent little Donnie boy? How could you do this to him? Do you want to contribute to sending another Brandon into the world? This hurts all of us!
Maybe not Des, who sat by watching Olivia and Jake spar with little to say. She didn’t chew Jake out in true “Bachelorette” style -- I’m talking Ali raging on rated R, or Emily goin’ nuuuuts on Kalon after he called her daughter “baggage.” No. Instead, Des gave some girl power support to Olivia, lightly placing her hand on the scorned woman’s shoulder. But she didn’t seem truly appalled by what Jake did.
It was Chris Harrison, in fact, who seemed more disgusted. “How could you go to a casting and say you were single?!?” the host asked, mouth agape, before inviting a man named Pauly in to escort Jake out of the house. I’m not sure if Pauly is the house bodyguard, but he appears to be a straight G, and rocks a mean newsboy cap.
At least all of the fireworks postponed Des’ one-on-one date with Kasey, who is D.R.A.B. (that’s not an acronym, I just felt I needed the emphasis.) I feel like Des chose him for a one-on-one with the intention of sending him home, but then couldn’t because the date went so poorly. First, the couple did this thing called “Bandaloop,” where they hung off the side of the Andaz hotel in West Hollywood and “danced” while suspended mid-air. There wasn’t any bonding between Des and Kasey over how scary it was. So they proceeded to a rooftop dinner, where the Santa Ana winds nearly blew over the meal they weren’t planning to eat anyway. Unable to talk, they jumped in the pool, which was freezing. So then Des was like, “Ugh, take this pity rose, I guess.”
Does she even dig any of her potential suitors? I didn’t see many sparks on the date earlier in the episode, either, when she took a group of the men to play dodgeball -- which everyone took way too seriously.
“This is Game 7. World Series. Bottom of the ninth,” Drew said when the competition got fierce. No, Drew: This is you playing a dodgeball match of little-to-no consequence at Americana at Brand in Glendale.
Things did get so intense at one point that one guy, Brooks, broke his finger. He was sent to the hospital, and when the doctors reset his digit, he was in so much pain that he actually passed out.
But could this stop him from enjoying drinks atop a rooftop with a stunning view of Century City? No! Propping his finger up, he departed the ER early to be with Des, and homegirl could barely muster any enthusiasm upon his arrival.
In fact, she gave the evening’s lone rose to some guy named Chris, who wooed her by taking her to the top of the Intercontinental Hotel to show her the view of CAA in all of its glory. As a reward, Chris and Des got a private concert from some singer whose name I already forget. She was actually pretty good, but I continue to believe that singing on the “Bachelorette” is the worst gig ever. You’re singing to two people whose main intention is sticking their tongue down the other’s throat. Not exactly a captive audience.
Anyway, the other group date -- a cowboy-themed affair where some men learned “stunts” from the stunt coordinators on “The Lone Ranger” -- was a tad more interesting. Or maybe I just liked how the guys looked in their western garb.
Des was so impressed with Juan Pablo’s lassoing skills that she chose him to get a little solo time, and the pair watched “The Lone Ranger” in a barn as a prize. Which could have been viewed easily as punishment instead of reward. That movie is two hours and 29 minutes long.
Juan Pabs seemed to like it, enthusiastically saying how he got to “eat popcorns and stuff.” (He’s from Venezuela. And his accent is enjoyable.)
Back at the house, it was time for Des to get rid of some more dead weight. She decided upon a pool party instead of a cocktail hour this week because she wanted to see the guys in speedos -- er, get to know them in a more relaxed setting.
Wearing a -- gag -- square-cut tank top, Ben went for a joy ride with Des in her Bentley, which he thought was secret -- but, no! James caught him in the act and decided to confront him. Ben responded by saying he thought the moment was private and it was none of James’ biz-nass.
“My dating life’s not public. I don’t kiss and tell,” said Ben, who is competing on a dating show on national television.
Ben made the cut at the rose ceremony, but Brandon didn’t. A shame, too, because he seemed so balanced and stable when he told Des how he was falling in love with her after all of, like, four seconds on the show.
“She just consumes my mind right now. There’s not much else to think about besides how perfect and meant to be we really are.”
Taking a line from "Forrest Gump": "Run, Des, run!"
Maybe I shouldn't be so hard on the girl. Faced with this crop of dudes, perhaps I too would find it difficult to summon the will to live.