On Tuesday night, Stephen Colbert couldn’t wait to address the growing crack smoking scandal that’s engulfing Toronto Mayor Rob Ford.
Describing the hefty Ford as a “Chris Farley tribute mayor,” Colbert relayed the news that Toronto police had confirmed a video that apparently showed Ford smoking crack cocaine. “On the bright side, he’s personally taking crack off the streets of Toronto,” Colbert said.
To address the bombshell news, Ford gathered reporters at his office and asked them to repeat the question they had asked him in May. That wasn’t a rhetorical request. He actually wanted them to repeat the question, word for word: “Do you smoke crack cocaine?”
Ford had previously denied it. But this time, his tune was a little different. “Yes, I have smoked crack cocaine,” he responded. “Am I an addict? No. Have I ever tried it? Yes, probably in one of my drunken stupors.”
When it comes to dazzling the public by projecting the image of a leader in total control, Ford could use a little practice. But Colbert wasn’t fazed.
“See? After a few beers he’s just a social crack smoker,” Colbert reassured his audience. “You know, it’s like how some people only smoke cigarettes when they’re strung out on heroin.”
But Colbert didn’t want to let Ford’s admission and apology be the only bombshell of the night. Inspired by Ford’s candor, Colbert whipped out a crack pipe and took a big hit himself. (Don’t worry, Colbert fans. It surely wasn’t real crack ... right?)
“I am personally encouraged by Mayor Ford’s courage to come clean about my own mistakes,” he said. “Have I ever smoked crack? Yes, but that was in the past. There is nothing I can do to change what happened. All I can do is apologize and move on. I’m so, so sorry I smoked crack and I promise you it will not happen again.”
Cue second pipe hit.
“Now, have I lied about never smoking crack again? Yes, I have. Is that the worst thing in the world? Does that make me a murderer? Have I ever murdered anyone? Yes, but that was in the past. While I was high on crack.”
A hand raised from below the desk. And Colbert, apparently in some kind of crack cocaine rage, committed murder once again.
Aaaand one more hit on the pipe.