'Bachelor' recap: Juan Pablo's global make-out tour hits New Zealand

So I’m going to recap Monday night’s episode of “The Bachelor,” but first, a disclaimer: I literally did not hear and/or understand at least half of what was said. Because Juan Pablo won’t. stop whispering.

I tried everything: Turning my volume up to a near-deafening level. Checking with my roommates to see if they caught certain lines of dialogue. Even replaying certain scenes multiple times. Frustrated, I considered the notion that perhaps this season is actually one long mumblecore movie merely divided into two-hour-long segments.


Alas, the sweet nothings eluded me. Which is perhaps for the best. Because nothing of substance was likely being discussed, anyway.

But yay for New Zealand, where JuanPabs and the women flew this week. Remind me to pitch a travel story on the Huka Lodge, because the resort where the remaining eight women were put up this week was incredible -- perched on a pristine hill overlooking the water and surrounded by lush greenery. That people on "The Bachelor" get to go to places such as this and I do not is one of life's cruel mysteries.

The first New Zealand one-on-one date went to Andi, an early favorite of mine. JuanPabs took her on a speed boat ride, which led to a rock-lined tunnel of sorts. While wearing perhaps one of the first one-piece bathing suits in the history of this show (holla, gurl), Andi was forced to wade through freezing water with Juan Pablo as the pair squeezed their way between mossy boulders. The payoff? A scenic waterfall constructed by nature for the sole purpose of making out. God is such a cool dude/chick.

Oh, yes. JuanPabs could not keep his hands off of Andi. In fact, I’m almost certain she’ll be the last woman standing in the end -- if she can elbow Clare out of the way, that is. His fixation with her was apparent even during the evening portion of the date, when he and Andi dined next to a geyser. Which erupted.

“The geyser completely ruined our dinner,” said Andi, who CHOSE TO HAVE DINNER NEXT TO AN ACTIVE GEYSER.

Let's move on, shall we? On the group date, JuanPabs took six of his final options to a large field where they all stripped down to their bathing suits, got in big plastic blowup balls called OGOs and rolled down a hill. It looked fun. Sharleen was the only one who wore a one-piece. Because, duh.

Speaking of our favorite opera singer, Sharleen -- who has been unsure about JuanPabs since night one, when she got the first-impression rose -- seemed to be starting to realize El Bachelor wasn’t the one for her.

“I just feel like this whole process is a little inorganic for me,” she said, about the only words she could get out before he stuck his tongue down her throat to silence her. So, looks like she’s going to have to wait to quit until next week.

For those who are upset that Sharleen is sticking around when she doesn’t know if she wants to be with JuanPabs: You need to not be. Yes, I hear your argument: But he sent Cassandra home this week, and if he’d known how Sharleen really felt, maybe the poor former NBA dancer could have had more time! No. It was never going to happen for her.

Though I did feel a bit bad that he gave her the boot on her birthday. On his Twitter account Monday night, he insisted he was unaware Cassandra was turning the big 2-2, which wouldn’t surprise me, because he’s Juan Pablo.

Ah, and then the most disappointing part of New Zealand -- Clare. OK, so a refresher: Last week, the perky hairdresser snuck out for an illicit dip in the ocean with JuanPabs at 4 a.m. He was super into it. Then the next day, he said he regretted it because it wasn't "fair" to the other women and he also didn't want to look slutty on TV because he has a daughter. Then Clare cried because Juan Pablo was mean.

So this week, I was expecting Clare to stand up for herself and hold him accountable for his part in the little half-naked swim. But a woman standing up for herself -- nay, respecting herself -- on “The Bachelor”? That wouldn’t work!

JuanPabs told her that he had only gone into the ocean with her because when she showed up at his place, she was “so happy” and if he hadn’t done it, she’d be “devastated.” Gee, what a gentleman! Clare asked if they’d really done anything that inappropriate, and JuanPabs said he just “didn’t feel right” about swimming in the ocean at 4 a.m.

“I’m glad you didn’t take the rose back,” Clare responded. Then I gave up on the future of humanity.

With the little tiff behind them, JuanPabs took Clare back to his hotel room and gave her a pair of his Justin Bieber-inspired drop-crotch sweatpants to wear. Both clad in the unflattering capris, they slow-danced to a country song. She got a rose.

With only a few flowers left to hand out at the rose ceremony the following day, JuanPabs spent his last few hours in New Zealand making out with -- er, asking his remaining ladies the hard questions.

To Nikki, he posed this probing question:

“What do you want out of your life?”

“I want my forever,” she responded, even though forever is not something you can want out of your life.

Instead of forever, she had to settle for a rose, which will not last forever. It will slowly wilt and then die, just as I am each and every Monday night.