Coronavirus secrets: ‘I drove 600 miles for a hookup’
In the second installment of our anonymously submitted coronavirus confessional, readers share their less-than-proud moments involving social distancing, rule-violating beauty treatments, retail therapy and sex — and sex and even more sex. (Part 1 cataloged confessions about hoarding, binge-watching and Zoom gloom, among other topics.)
We’re sharing them here not to entertain and titillate (well, not just to entertain and titillate) but to show you that if you’re having a hard time following all the rules (and let’s face it, there are a lot of rules), you’re not the only one. Now, on to the confessions, which have been edited for clarity.
We’re just fine with the whole social-distancing thing
- It’s a relief to not have to attend birthday celebrations for people I don’t really like or the poetry readings and art openings of needy and questionably talented friends. I’m a terrible person!
- I keep saying how excited I am to hang out with my friend group once this is all over, but I’ve been hanging out with a select few secretly almost every week. We don’t tell the others.
- My roommates keep breaking quarantine and inviting random people over, and the guests never offer their places as hangout spots. In retaliation, I spread cat food in the yard under their windows for the raccoons to come at night.
- A friend suggested that we meet [in real life] in a shady part of her workplace parking lot. She sat only six feet away (I kept trying to inch backward), and [she] handed me a canned drink, which freaked me out. Then an overzealous security guard stopped to ask if we knew it was private property and what we were doing there. Yikes!
We asked for your deepest, darkest coronavirus secrets. Here’s what you told us.
Shop it like it’s hot
- I recently discovered online shopping again and, needless to say, I’ve made many, many unessential purchases — with the excuse of “self-confidence.”
- I’ve bought several special-occasion dresses online: a sequined cocktail number, a vintage Hawaiian mumu [and] a rainbow dress for next year’s Pride parade. Nothing I need and money I shouldn’t spend, but I’m dreaming of a time when there will be parties and life will be normal again.
- I’ve been buying bubble bath bombs even though I don’t take baths. I’m buying them for the fake rings inside, even though I don’t wear fake rings. I don’t know why I’m doing this, but it might explain some of the gifts my relatives are about to get.
From cash and snacks to a verbal ‘thank you,’ there are options when it comes to showing your appreciation for delivery drivers.
- I definitely have driven to see my paramour so we could “have fun” in my car.
- I’m a single mom with a high-needs kid. I broke quarantine to go have amazing sex ... [I] needed the break/release. It helped so much.
- [Being] sequestered aboard a ship separated from loved ones is really isolating unless your loved one is stuck with you and you keep far less than six feet apart.
- After five weeks of not seeing my paramour, we decided to find each other “on the way to the store.” Let’s just say that car (on a busy street) saw some action sans masks.
- I stalk an old flame, sort [of]; since he lives across the country in NYC and has no social media accounts. I [can] confirm he’s alive and well via his perfect girlfriend’s perfect accounts that aren’t as perfectly protected as she thinks.
If sex-toy sales are any indication, people are seeking sexual pleasure during this anxiety-fraught period of extended social isolation.
- I sneaked out one night to see my lover. God, it was fantastic!
- I’ll drink a whole bottle of wine; then I’ll text my ex to feel better about myself.
- I had unprotected sex [on a] one-night stand.
- I met up with a random guy from Scruff to have sex. Both of [us] are staying with our parents, so we met up on a trail and found a secluded spot. I feel bad for breaking social distancing ... but it was worth it.
- I had the best sex ever during the beginning of quarantine. I think all four of the men would also agree.
- I watch porn when my girlfriend goes out to get groceries once a week because it is literally the only time I have to myself.
- I drove 600 miles for a hookup.
- I’ve been spending weekends at my boyfriend’s place. The thought of two months or more without seeing each other while living in the same city was too much for two anxiety-ridden people.
- I met a guy off Tinder right before the shutdown. During quarantine, I stayed over at his apartment for a few days.
- I have never worn a mask. Every Friday night, I hook up with the guy I met two weeks before quarantine started. I have hosted themed dinner parties for 10 or more every Saturday night since quarantine started. I ride my bike to the beach every day in defiance of the governor’s orders and smile while doing it. I have remained healthy and have lost 10 pounds, and no one I know or have socialized with during this time has been sick. BTW: We span three counties (L.A., O.C. and San Diego) and range in age from mid-30s to early 80s.
Self-care — here and there
- I hired my hairstylist to come to my office to give haircuts to the chief executive, vice presidents and any other staff who wanted one. She worked for 14 hours!
- I paid my hairstylist double to meet me at my psychotherapy office and cut my hair.
- I can’t even remember the last time I washed my hair. I think it’s been almost two weeks.
- My manicurist is mobile and low-income. So she brings her mask and gloves, and I wear my mask. And she fills and polishes my nails. I feel guilty, but she has been rejected twice for California unemployment because she can’t follow the instructions. So I would feel more guilty if I told her not to come.
Here’s celebrity manicurist Tom Bachik’s advice for removing a gel manicure and more at home.
- I’ve had acrylic nails for 40-plus years. My regular manicurist isn’t working, but a good friend who does nails has come to my home — more than once! Having my nails done just makes me feel better, and I’m trying to help her economically.
- My hairdresser came over to dye my roots in our garage — and she gave my husband a haircut!
- I had the best two-hour body massage of my life — a real massage. I had to text from down the street. It was like walking into a dream. I felt a twinge of guilt, but then, nah, I was helping a struggling business. I was blissed out for days afterward.
- I tried convincing my regular barber to give me a haircut. He refused. I’m reaching out to my underground friends to see who they know.
- I ghosted my therapist after we switched to telehealth.
- [I’m] not shaving because #RONA.
- We have kept using a babysitter, and our housekeeper still comes once a week.
- I went to get Botox and my nails done. The nail shop owner made me park down the street and hung blankets over the windows and left the lights off. It felt so illicit.
In the next and final installment of coronavirus confessions on Wednesday, a lot (and we mean a lot) of folks admit they feel bad that they’re feeling so good about social isolation, while others make it clear that they’ve been traveling far afield (San Diego, Wisconsin and the beach, to name a few destinations) when they were supposed to be staying at home. If you have some pandemic-era bad behavior to confess, we’re still taking submissions here. We can’t guarantee we’ll publish them all, but we’re pretty sure you’ll feel better getting your thoughts off your chest.
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