French spymasters wonder: Why the attack on foie gras?

Lost in the Fourth of July hubbub -- but just in time for Bastille Day! -- came news that the French are spying just like the United States.

Mon dieu!

According to the French daily Le Monde, the country’s Direction Generale de la Securite Exterieure (and sorry, but that just sounds tres more sophisticated than “National Security Agency”) “systematically collects information about all electronic data sent by computers and telephones in France, as well as communications between France and abroad.”

Think of it as the French version of the NSA’s PRISM, which Edward Snowden blabbed about. Although sources tell me that the French have code-named theirs Gauloises -- because the operatives like to smoke while chortling over the illicit emails and phone conversations they are listening in on.

Le Monde’s revelation really shouldn’t come as a surprise. After all, the very word “espionage” comes from the French “espionnage.” Plus, who’s the most famous spy in world? C’mon, not James Bond: It’s Mata Hari. True, she was Dutch, but she rose to fame in Paris as an exotic dancer, plus it was the French who shot her for being a German spy in World War I.

Still, there are significant differences between the NSA’s program and that of the Direction Generale de la Securite Exterieure (sorry, it’s like a fine French wine, you just can’t get enough of it). Sources tell me that the French intelligence-gathering effort is aimed at very specific topics:

• Exactly what types of cheese are people eating on L.A.’s Westside?
• Why don’t Americans find Jerry Lewis funny anymore?
• Is Bordeaux slipping in popularity among wine drinkers?
• What do American women really think of French lingerie?
• Even though most Americans can’t even properly pronounce Citroen, Peugeot and Renault, don’t they really wish they were driving one?
• Would tourists still visit French beaches if the women weren’t topless?
• Who are the conspirators who pushed through California’s ban on foie gras, and will crème brulee be their next target?
• Are there any marketing opportunities for guillotines in Texas or other Southern states?

Yes, I have more information, but WikiLeaks keeps calling, and I keep hearing funny clicks when I talk on the phone, plus I think I’ve heard voices (French voices!) behind me in line at Subway (the sandwich shop, not the one no one in L.A. rides).

So, let me just say this to the gendarmes of the Direction Generale de la Securite Exterieure: I’ll save you francs:

I like gouda cheese. I don’t drink. Jerry Lewis wasn’t ever funny.

The rest? You’ll just have to keep listening.

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