TAUNIA ROGERS : Growing Up, She Has Let Loose Her Security Blanket--the Gymnasium

There came a time in Taunia Rogers’ life when a gymnasium stopped being her sanctuary.

It was no longer enough for her to crawl back into the warm womb of familiar mats and easy camaraderie of that secure place. It was not enough because her mother was dying and no one, no one, could possibly understand that.

No longer did the five-hour, muscle-burning workouts purge Rogers of her anger or her pain. She used to be able to whirl around the uneven bars and, as if through centrifugal force, with each revolution her misfortunes would fly from her. No more.

Finally, and this realization came slowly, Rogers understood that the approval, the love she was seeking, had to come from some source other than an applauding audience or even congratulatory teammates.

Now, from her new perspective outside the gym, Rogers has sorted through much of the emotional litter of the last year and is working at unburdening herself. The Cal State Fullerton junior is at a time in her career when burdens are to be shed. The Titans are the top-seeded team in the NCAA West Regional meet, Saturday at Corvallis, Ore. The three-time All-American has been her team’s most consistent performer and will be the mainstay at regionals and nationals. The Titans are the country’s fourth-ranked team.

After the events of last year, seedings and rankings don’t so much mean less to Rogers as they occupy less of her thoughts.

Gymnastics is a sport that has consumed great portions of Rogers’ life and spirit. It has been her outlet and her lifeline. It has sustained her through a home life that disintegrated. But gymnastics wasn’t enough for the 20-year-old when her mother suffered a stroke and when doctors told Rogers her mother had a short time to live. (They were wrong.) Without gymnastics as an anchor, Rogers has been adrift and searching.

“I used to go into the gym and just cry,” she said of her workouts at the end of last season and the beginning of this one. “Lynn (Rogers, Fullerton’s head coach) tried to be sympathetic, but it wasn’t enough. You can be close to people on the team, but really, no one can ever understand what it is like to go through this. The whole thing blew me away. My gymnastics really went down last year.

“When I was a kid, I used to stay in the gym as long as I could. It was better than listening to yelling (at home). I would stay until 10 p.m. then my mom would come to pick me up. I used to go into the gym and be able to solve my problems. It doesn’t work that way for me anymore. I need something else, something more.”

As a freshman, Rogers blew through the program like a welcome storm. She became an NCAA All-American in three events and was named to the U.S. team for the World University Games. She had power, she had a magnetic presence and she was willing to forfeit all else for her sport. She also got homesick. Lynn Rogers tells of a time in her freshman year when Rogers packed all her belongings in preparation to fly home to Kirkland, Wash. The coach said he had a 2 a.m. discussion with Rogers. Frustrated that he seemed unable to dissuade Rogers, he finally called the airline to confirm her flight.

“I really thought she’d go,” Lynn Rogers said. “I was walking down a hall at school the next morning at 9 a.m. and I saw this red-eyed girl walking toward me. All she said was, ‘I’m going to try it for a month.’ ”

It was more than homesickness. Fullerton’s is a high-powered program and Lynn Rogers is an avowed autocrat, even in a sport filled with demanding personalities. The independent Rogers chafed at Lynn Rogers’ constant harping for her to lose weight. Distressed with her weight problem, Rogers ate more.

“Taunia’s weight is like the barometer of what’s going on with her,” Lynn Rogers said. “It says to the rest of us that something’s going on inside Taunia. I’m not skilled enough to try to get inside her head to know what’s wrong. What I am is a gymnastics coach. I try to direct her to people she can talk to. Some days she’d be fine and other days . . . It was like a roller coaster. What ended up happening is that she came to the gym and brought all her problems with her.”

When she was allowed in the gym. Early this season, Rogers was kicked out of the gym, partially because of her weight problem. She wasn’t concentrating in practice and, despite being the Titans’ most consistent all-around performer this season, Rogers just wasn’t up to her freshman form.

“I don’t know, it just wasn’t working,” Rogers said, who has lost more than 15 pounds since her freshman year. “I felt guilty about not being home with my mother. I am the oldest and the only girl, and I am really close with my mom. I wanted to go home and spend the time with her. I went home this summer and I couldn’t believe it. We would go shopping and we’d have to stop after 10 minutes because mom was tired. It really scared me.”

Linda Rogers’ stroke, three days after returning home from watching Taunia at the NCAA nationals last year, was caused by a rare malformation of the brain that had gone undetected. Her progress has been steady but agonizingly slow. Still, her condition has improved since that dreadful summer.

“At Christmas she looked really good,” Rogers said. “It was a big load off my mind.”

Linda Rogers sounded faint and small in a phone interview from her Washington home. She freely spoke of her illness, for which she will soon undergo surgery.

“I know it has been difficult for Taunia, she feels some guilt for not being here with me,” Linda Rogers said. “I didn’t want to pressure her. I didn’t think that would be fair. I didn’t want her to give up things she had worked for.

“She felt she didn’t have a right to her own life. Taunia has her own goals. I feel she is doing it (gymnastics) for herself and for me. Even if she’s there at school, she’s here with me. She knows that.

“There has been a growth factor in Taunia that has changed her. She has been able to work through things. She has found escape in methods other than gymnastics. There comes a point in your life that you realize it’s time to walk away.”

Rogers is not walking away from gymnastics, she’s just finding better company. She’s no longer a 12-year-old pigtailed gym rat. She still works hard, but not with the maniacal tenacity that marked her early career.

“If I had to describe Taunia, I’d say: powerful, emotional and intense,” Lynn Rogers said. “She’s got so much heart you can’t believe it. She’s resilient. She’s been through tough times, and she’s come back to say, ‘I’m strong.’

“It hasn’t been easy for Taunia. She’s had choices to make--’Do I crawl into a hole or do I bounce back?’ She can get the boot in the gym for a bad attitude one day and come back strong the next. She’s got a heart the size you can’t believe.”

If there is a lesson, it is that Rogers will persevere. If gymnastics can no longer wholly sustain her, she has friends, she has her family. And, as she is daily reminded, she still has her mother.