Hey, Al, Have I Got Some Ideas for You

“Hello, operator? Get me Al Campanis on the phone. What? Oh, he’s the head honcho with the Los Angeles Dodgers. Just tell ‘em you want the Chief. They’ll know. (‘Oh, we ain’t got a barrel of mo-ney, maybe we’re ragged and . . . ‘)vl,3

“Hello, Al? El Jefe! Howzit, ol’ gumba? How’s the old pennant chase? Doing any rewrites on that book of yours, ‘The Dodger Way to Play Baseball’? Heh-heh, just k old sport. Don’t hang up!vl,3

“But, listen, Al, all kidding aside, I been meaning to call you about that team of yours and I think I’ve spotted something. Now, wait a minute, do get mad! This is important!vl,3

“Al, I been studying those guys and nobody seems to be able to pick up a rolling ball. At least not before it stops. I mean, people are starting to refer to that infield of yours as the Anvil Chorus ‘cause you can hear clank when that ball hits a mitt.vl,3

“Chief, I think I see one of your troubles. From what I can see, your team seems to consist entirely of first basemen. I mean, you’ve got ‘em all over the place, the infield, the outfield--every place but first base.

“Everybody else on that team is an outfielder. I never saw so many outfielders in my life trying to play second and third base. It’s hard on them, you know? They’re used to more time to surround hit balls. I mean, they seem to want to flip down their glasses, get set to make the play, check the fence, the blonde in the third row and all--and before th ready, the ball’s gone through.vl,3

“From what I can see, your third baseman is still punching his glove after the ball has gone to the wall. And your second baseman, I don’t have to tell you he needs more distance than from second to first for his throws. To tell you truth, he needs an airport.vl,3

“They used to joke that, when the team was in Brooklyn, that Brooklyn was the only team in the league without a daily newspaper, a railroad station--or a left fielder. Now, they got nothin’ but left fielders. Bthey’re all playing third base.vl,3

“Your team can’t seem to hit a moving ball, either, but, Al, I think I’ve pinpointed your trouble there. It’s not psychological.vl,3

“Al this is a team that is playing well below its capabilities--5,000 feet below its ca if you know what I mean.vl,3

“Al, Albuquerque--in fact, all of New Mexico--is a nice place to try out atom bombs but I wouldn’t want to pitch there. It’s like putt a farm team 5,000 feet under water.vl,3

“You make ru at Albuquerque, not ballplayers.vl,3

“Al, the whole state averages 5,700 feet above sea level. You know what happens to you at 5,700 feet above sea level? Well, first of all, you get a nosebleed. Then comes the bad news. Al, the ball carries at that altitude. Can I tell you something? I hit a 4-iron 240 yards once at that altitude. Tell you something, does it? Al, I can’t hit drivers 240 yards at sea level.vl,3

“You know something else that happens at altitude, Al? You can’t break off a curve ball. Not a good one. Ask any pitcher. you can’t even boil water!vl,3

“So, you see what I’m getting at. You got to start throwing out those batting averages and home run statistics. Hey, Babe Ruth would hit 120 home r a year that high up in the sky.vl,3

“So, what you have to do, Chief, when you see some guy with 44 homers--and Albuquerque gives new meaning to the term homers-- is you have to start dividing by two.vl,3

“Now, that’s not only 22 homers you take away from the guy, it’s 22 hits. You see what I’m getting at? Those 22 homers you deduct are 22 hits. Instead of a home run, he gets a flyout. Instead of batting .310, he’s batting .262. Take 22 hits, i. e. home runs, from a guy batting . and suddenly he’s batting .291.vl,3

“Albuquerque stats are like special-effect movies. Entertaining but unreal.vl,3

“So, what you got to do, Al, is one of two things: either move the Dodgers to Albuquerque--or move Albuquerque to some place you can boil water. And, oh, yes, sign any pitcher f there whose ERA is under 11.vl,3

“Now, then, about that lineup of yours, they don’t have enough power to run a radio. Eddie Murray can hit an egg farther t your guys can hit a baseball.vl,3

“I know you’re in the market for a tr Al, and I got a dandy for you.vl,3

“Al, the Cubs have this funny-looking little guy on third for them. He looks like something you’d see on an ice floe in the Antarctic. You don’t know whether to throw him a ball or a fish. He looks like that bird that look like a headwaiter with flippers.vl,3

“But, can he hit a baseball! He’s got 282 lifetime homers Al. More than your whole lineup.vl,3

“And, would kids love him! Al, he looks like a ride at Disneyland. I’d grab him Al. Whatever it takes. Should be cheap. I’m told the Cubs got him for some guys named Dan Cataline and Vance Lo Can you believe that, Al?vl,3

“Wait, there’s more. You want a first baseman. You’re not gonna believe this but down in San Diego they’ve got this guy, he’s built like an oak stump but he’s the most natural hitter you ever seen in your life. You couldn get a fastball by him in the dark.vl,3

“Wait, it gets better. You know all the trouble baseball’s been having lately? Second basemen disappear on their way to the ballpark and turn up in a CareUnit. Guys by the busload a in front of grand juries?vl,3

“Al, this guy wouldn’t even double-park. This guy’s as square as a piece of fudge. He’s not bucking for playboy of the month, he’s bucking for U.S. Senator. Or maybe it’s Pope. Chief, he shouldn’t be on bubble gum cards, he s be on stained glass windows.vl,3

“And he can scoop more things out of the dirt than a clam shovel. With your infield, that’s something to think about. They name schools after him--him and Abraham Lincoln. think he glows in the dark.vl,3

“Now, is this guy a natural for the Dodgers? How much? you ask. Chief! I’m disappointed in you! Money should be no object with a guy li this! Give him what he wants!vl,3

“Now, there’s one other thing. This tough little second baseman the Cubs have--Davey something or other. Got this little bushy and, boy, can he play!vl,3

“Al? Al?

“Operator! This line’s gone dead! Whadaya mean he hung up on me! I’m trying to build him a pennant-winner. They haven’t had one in a while, you know.”