Is the Season Half Over or Half-Baked?

At the halfway point of the baseball season, there are certain things you ought to know:

--There are 26 teams in major league baseball and 25 players on every team, and not one of them is named Boris.

--Ty Cobb is on the record as saying if he ever has another baby, he will name it Pete.

--The All-Star Game will be played next Tuesday at the Silly Putty-surfaced Hubert H. Humphrey Metrodome in Minneapolis, where a ground-rule double is any bunt that leaves the playing field and bounces into the seats.

--The simmering feud between Steve Garvey of the San Diego Padres and Dale Murphy of the Atlanta Braves is expected to come to a head in Minneapolis when Garvey says to Murphy, “Darn you,” and Murphy replies, “Well, darn you, too.”

--Vince Coleman of the St. Louis Cardinals, closing in on Lou Brock’s stolen-base record three months into his rookie season, is caught with suspicious white powder in his locker and is threatened with suspension. It turns out to be Desenex.

--George (Missing in Action) Bell of the Toronto Blue Jays is suspended for two games because when he charges the mound to confront Bruce (Lee) Kison of the Boston Red Sox, he does his world-famous impression of Chuck Norris and tries to kick Kison in the, uh, infield.

--Marty Barrett of the Red Sox pulls a hidden-ball trick on Bobby Grich of the Angels. Grich takes it well but decides if Barrett ever does this to him again, he will show him the hidden-fist trick.

--Darryl Strawberry of the Mets is voted into the All-Star Game, receiving approximately a million votes per hit.

--The Edison power company of Chicago shuts off the electricity in every home in the vicinity of Wrigley Field.

--After an investigation into the June home-run binge of Pedro Guerrero of the Dodgers, the commissioner’s office announces it has discovered no traces of cork whatever inside Guerrero’s arms.

--The Pittsburgh Pirate franchise is sold and will be moved to Tampa, Fla. Tampa officials request that Pittsburgh send the bats, balls and helmets and keep the players.

--The San Francisco Giants are placed on the 15-day unable list.

--The Baltimore Orioles, liking what they have seen of infielder Alan Wiggins, offer a two-year contract to former pitcher Denny McLain.

--Fighting for spectator interest in New York, George Steinbrenner marries Billy Martin.

--Also in New York, talk-show host David Letterman drops baseball pitcher Terry Forster from the top of a tall building, just to see how far he will bounce.

--Dwight Gooden of the Mets becomes the first man to strike out 54 men in two games. Because the 54 men are Pittsburgh Pirates and San Francisco Giants, the record is disallowed.

--Because of a two-week players’ association boycott and a regular-season that ends Oct. 6, Reggie Jackson’s three home runs in the final game of the World Series turn him for the first time into Mr. November.

--Phil Niekro, during contract negotiations, becomes the first major league baseball player ever to demand senior citizen discounts on commercial airlines.

--Steve Carlton, hospitalized for major surgery, refuses to tell the doctor what’s wrong.

--The middle letter on Dave Kingman’s A’s baseball cap continues to be missing.

--Sports Illustrated reveals that George Plimpton is fictitious.

--Peter Ueberroth expands the American League East to eight teams, saying he is tired of seeing Cleveland finish seventh.

--The Anaheim Stadium concessions department introduces new 32-ounce cups of Chablis.

--Chewing tobacco is discovered to cause brain damage.

--Chuck Cottier, manager of the Seattle Mariners, is ejected by umpires for throwing Seattle Mariners out of the dugout.

--Dick Howser, manager of the Kansas City Royals, says 79 wins should be enough to win the division.

--Three San Diego Padres are found to belong to the John Audubon Society.

--The Detroit Tigers open the center-field bleachers and close the rest of the stadium.

--Peter Ueberroth orders drug testing for all readers of newspaper sports pages.