A Series of Big Things to Expect in the Series

Here is your official World Series checklist. The following events are guaranteed to happen some time during the next week and a half: Ozzie Smith’s agent will publicly demand that the Cardinals renegotiate the Wiz’s $2-million-a-year contract, explaining, “That two million bucks covers only Mr. Smith’s fielding.”

A spokesman for the artificial turf industry will explain how the plastic fields at Kansas City and St. Louis play almost exactly like real grass. During a lull in game action, the TV cameras will show Willie McGee putting on a Meadowlark Lemon dribbling exhibition with a baseball.

With first base open and the game on the line, Dick Howser will order his pitcher to pitch to Jack Clark. Clark will pop up, and Howser will be saluted as a daring and courageous genius who isn’t afraid to go against the book.

In a historical broadcasting first, the name Ozzie Smith and the term wheelhouse will be uttered in the same sentence.

Long after the last out of the last game, somebody will shoot a picture of the losers’ dugout. Only one player will remain, seated on the bench, his head bowed in despair. On the Royals’ ballclub, this assignment used to be handled by Freddie Patek.

David Letterman will continue to make fun of Buddy Biancalana’s name and his light hitting. Because of the national publicity, Biancalana will be signed to endorse several products, film a rock video and run for the Senate.

There will be a setback in the arbitration between the umpires and the team owners when arbiter Richard Nixon reports that the tape recording of a key negotiating session has a mysterious 18 1/2-minute gap.

The advantage of an all-synthetic playing field will be dramatically demonstrated when Joaquin Andujar complains about the pitcher’s mound, and the grounds crew brings him a new one.

A group of practical-joking Royal fans will toss a dummy dressed to resemble Vince Coleman into the tarp roller. Press photographers attempting to shoot pictures of the prank will be beaten about the head by bat-wielding Cardinals.

Howard Cosell will hit the stands with another book, this one criticizing all the announcers working the Series on radio and TV.

George Brett will reveal that it’s not chewing tobacco that makes that bulge in his cheek but a tuna sandwich he sucks on during the game.

Whitey Herzog will repeatedly deny that he ever said, “Except for George Brett and George Toma, the Royals have a horse(bleep) team.”

Baseball purists will cry out in protest against the Cardinals’ policy of playing the Budweiser beer song during the seventh-inning stretch, instead of “Take Me Out to the Ball Game.”

Commissioner Peter Ueberroth will side with the Cardinals in this controversy, explaining that the use of the advertising song allows team owner August A. Busch Jr. to declare the seventh inning a tax write-off.

Ueberroth, however, will step in when the Royals Stadium organist plays, not the national anthem but “A Hundred Bottles of Beer on the Wall.”

George Steinbrenner will get himself into the headlines by either hiring or firing Billy Martin, or both.

Billy Martin, unwinding after a hard day of filming a funny beer commercial, will get into a scuffle in a bar when he remarks innocently to a stranger, “Your wife reminds me a lot of Harmon Killebrew.”

Whitey Herzog, a witty guy, will take a phone call from the President of the United States after the final game and will humorously mispronounce the chief executive’s name.

With all the TV super-closeups, thousands of viewers will phone the network to complain about all the sickening tobacco juice spitting. The call-in campaign will pick up momentum when a camera zooms in on a coach who, in a nervous moment, accidentally spits out his dentures.

Before one game, the network will show nostalgic film clips of former Cardinal stars Stan Musial, Dizzy Dean, Pepper Martin, Bob Gibson and Lou Brock.

Responding to Kansas City fans’ demands for equal time for their team’s old heroes, the network will show key scenes from “The Freddie Patek Story.”

Ueberroth will announce that beginning next year, the World Series will be a best-of-15 format, but will insist that the change has nothing to do with added TV revenue.

Steve Balboni will be arrested in the St. Louis airport when his baseball glove sets off the metal detector.

The fans of the winning team, in appreciation for a season of thrills, entertainment and civic pride, will tear down the stadium and use police cars as kindling for festive bonfires.