Give Cosell Credit, Football Could Use a Little More Humor

Free advice . . .

Ridicule Howard Cosell if you will, but give the man credit for the most brilliant idea of the year. In his latest book, Cosell suggests the ideal color commentator for “Monday Night Football” would be Bill Cosby.

The sport of football is starved for humor in the broadcast booth. Don Meredith was considered a comedic genius because he would sing “The Party’s Over” every week.

Cosby would be wonderful. Only problem is, he’s like Refrigerator Perry--once he gets started there’s no stopping him.

Speaking of objects of ridicule, Ted Tollner’s decision to change quarterbacks in midseason was a strong, decisive move. It’s not fair to blame Sean Salisbury for the Trojans’ lousy season, but when the ship is sinking you don’t keep on playing shuffleboard. Whatever that means.

Tollner may have saved his job. Now all he has to do is beat UCLA.

Do TV announcers have no shame? On the Rams-Falcons telecast Sunday, the broadcasters were evidently instructed to lead into each commercial break with a teaser line to keep the fans from switching to another channel. They sounded like something out of championship wrestling.

With 9:34 to go, Atlanta was leading by nine and in possession of the ball, second and 10. Time out. Tom Brookshier cried out: “Uh oh! Atlanta’s in trouble!”

I will concede that horse racing truly is a sport when a track stages a nonbetting race and the fans still cheer the stretch run.

The most boring idea in the sports world is that the NFL hire full-time officials. If these guys studied films and worked on their techniques 20 hours a day, all week long, they still would have to make split-second judgement calls, and they still would blow some.

The refs don’t need more study time, they need more help, in the form of instant replays.

If it’s impractical to use instant replays to aid officials after questionable decisions and controversial plays, somebody better tell the horse racing establishment, and the track and field officials who use photos to determine fouls and photo finishes.

What boxing needs is for each division to have a true tournament format, with contenders placed on a challenge ladder by an impartial committee. If you’re the champ, you fight the No. 1 contender.

If boxing people ran football, for instance, the next Super Bowl would be the 49ers vs. Fresno State. Assuming, of course, Fresno State is willing to turn pro and gain 30 pounds.

Somebody better explain the rules to William (The Refrigerator) Perry. On a goal-line play Sunday, Perry picked up fallen ballcarrier Walter Payton and carried Walter like a Samsonite suitcase.

Luckily for the Bears, The Fridge didn’t carry Walter into the end zone and spike him.

I guess Perry is satisfied with his nickname, but if he’s looking for a zippier one, I’ll pass along reader Chuck Malley’s proposal: Bill the Big Chill.

Next to hiring Terry Donahue, the smartest move the UCLA athletic people ever made was the move to the Rose Bowl. The dumbest move they ever made was waiting so long to make the move, until forced out of the Coliseum by wounded pride over lease terms.

Imagine what kind of powerhouse the Bruins would now have if, 20 years ago, the school had built a stadium on campus. But I guess that would be putting too much emphasis on athletics.

Can Pat Ewing play in the NBA? Well, when was the last time Kareem Abdul-Jabbar, Robert Parish or Moses Malone had a 28-point, 20-rebound game?

Pete Rozelle was interviewed on NBC Sunday morning, and when asked about Al Davis, Pete threw out some compliments and a couple of soft criticisms. Enough of the tap-dancing. It’s time to get Davis and Rozelle together for a live television debate.

Reward for information leading to the location of any of the following: A defensive lineman who, when penalized for encroachment, doesn’t automatically point to an offensive lineman; an NFL cheerleader selected on the basis of her football knowledge; a major league baseball star who did not grow up in either Southern California or San Pedro de Macoris.

Worst suggestion of the week was from a Times reader who nominated Bruin kicker John Lee for the Heisman Trophy. Lee is a wonderful kid and an incredible kicker, but kicking is something that should be outlawed, not encouraged.

I hate to kick a kicker when he’s down, but let’s give the kickers their own award, an MVK. Shoot, give them their own sport. Call it soccer or something.

There is simply too much evidence that kicking is a limited, quirky skill, not necessarily involving great athletic ability. For instance, a bartender once became an overnight NFL field-goal hero. Next thing you know, some high school PE teacher will emerge as an NFL kicking superstar.