COMING UP NEXT: A TV FIB OR TWO

TV’s few little white lies.

Well, not so few and not so little. There are many ways that TV self-servingly fibs to America, either by straight-out deception or by hedging and not telling the entire truth.

Some of the biggest offenders are those self-congratulatory, hard-sell pats on the back and other promotions that networks use to advertise their programs.

You could have gotten the impression from some of NBC’s advertising for Monday night’s sterling production of “Love Is Never Silent,” for example, that Sid Caesar and Cloris Leachman had major roles.

In truth, their roles (especially Leachman’s cameo appearance) were subordinate. They were heavily promoted only because they were the most recognizable names in the cast and could attract the most viewers.

On the day of the “ABC Monday Night Football” telecast of a recent Chicago Bears-Miami Dolphins game, meanwhile, ABC chose to promote its telecast with a newspaper ad topped by a headline that screamed:

“WILL THE MIAMI DOLPHINS DEFROST THE REFRIGERATOR?”

Beneath the headline was a full-body picture of William Perry, the 302-pound Bears defensive lineman who was nicknamed “The Refrigerator” and subjected to media overkill after scoring on offense for the Bears.

ABC knew that Perry, though a folk hero in Chicago, was a gimmick and only a minor cog in the Bears team. Yet the network promotion--which exploited Perry’s box-office appeal--gave the impression that Monday’s game pitted a one-man team against the Dolphins.

As it turned out, Perry was no factor on defense and was in the game (which the Bears lost) for only two offensive plays, without handling the ball even once.

Some one-man team.

Even more offensive (pardon the pun) is Madison Avenue’s continued deception in TV’s kiddie commercials to exploit the naivete of young minds.

Although required to be shown at least once in correct proportion to the human body, many toys still are depicted largely as being bigger than life. The advertising community is crafty, staying within regulations while still creating false images that convince small children that they are watching a sort of reality. And then the kids lobby their parents for the toys.

Just look at those commercials for a miniature racing car system included in the Transformers toy line. They’re shot in such a way that the little cars seem to be zooming toward your face, making you want to duck. And look at those commercials for G.I. Joe “action figures,” miniatures that sometimes fill the screen, just as they probably fill the imagination of children in front of the set.

Advertisers argue that they merely are mirroring the fantasies of children who, after all, have never viewed toys through adult eyes, even in pre-TV days. More accurately, though, these are Madison Avenue-created visual lies, slickly produced fantasies that many children innocently accept.

It’s adult viewer beware on the network morning shows. They lie to viewers all the time.

Two typical cases:

It was 7:22 a.m. by my clock Tuesday as Joan Lunden announced during the first hour of ABC’s “Good Morning America” that “next half hour, (actress) Kathleen Turner will be with us.”

On NBC’s “Today,” meanwhile, Bryant Gumbel told viewers at 7:23 that “coming up in our next half hour, Jane (Pauley) is going to share some thoughts with (New York Mayor) Ed Koch. Stay with us.” Actually, Gumbel earlier began promoting Koch at 6:40 on “NBC News at Sunrise.”

Station break.

“In a few minutes, Kathleen Turner talks about how well she is handling her fame,” Lunden announced on ABC at 7:29.

Koch “will be here in a few minutes,” Pauley said on NBC at 7:30 before breaking for a local cut-in. Four minutes later, Gumbel said on NBC: “Willard (Scott) has a check of the weather now and then Jane talks to the understated dean of New York politics (Koch) after this.”

Commercial.

It was 7:37 when David Hartman said on ABC: “Kathleen Turner, after this message.”

At 7:38, Koch had arrived beside Pauley, and at 7:40 Turner was sitting across from Hartman.

Finally.

Wednesday’s big fibber was “The CBS Morning News.” At 7:28 a.m., Forrest Sawyer promised that an interview with Bruce Springsteen sax man Clarence Clemons was “coming right up.”

First, though, there was the scheduled local news cut-in, after which Sawyer again plugged the Clemons interview. Then came Faith Daniels with the national news. Then came the business report. Then came Steve Baskerville with the weather. Then it was back to Sawyer for what would surely be the Clemons interview. After all, he promised .

But nohhhhhh! “Coming up next,” Sawyer announced, was a discussion of the AMA’s proposed banning of tobacco advertising.

Whatever Clemons was going to say or play wouldn’t be heard by me. It was 7:44--16 minutes after Sawyer’s original announcement--when I finally tired of waiting for Clemons and switched channels.

And so it goes, as these shows sucker viewers and keep them in front of the set by dangling carrots and then yanking them away.

They tease and titillate. They tell you something’s coming in the next hour or half-hour, but not when . They tell you something is coming “after this message,” but not when “after this message.” You could take a walk and still get back to the set in time. You could take a vacation.

Such fibbers.

Coming right up: Christmas. Twelve days after this message.